A Plan

Once upon a time, not so very long ago, a husband and wife arrive home. The wife decides to get her husband's attention by remaining in the vehicle – since they had previously disagreed on a particular subject matter. Despite her husband staring intently through the window at her, and her husband's audible sigh and obvious roll of the eyes, she stays in the vehicle determined to get her husband's attention. However, husband decides that the need to use the bathroom facilities indoors outweighs figuring out what is going on with his wife - and he heads indoors.

Wife thinks that she will stay put. She has a point to make with her husband and will not be deterred in doing so. However, she soon realizes how foolish this is when 5 minutes go by and she is still sitting in the vehicle with its windows rolled up and the sun blazing hot outside - making the temperature at least in the upper 90s.

Wife begins to rethink her strategy. She wants to do something that will impact her husband and make her happy at the same time. As the sun continues to heat up the inside of the vehicle, her sun-baked brain suddenly decides that she must scare her husband.

With that decided, she exits the vehicle and walks towards the garage door that leads into the house. She thinks to herself that it will be any time now that he will exit said door and come to find her. She will then scare him by being right by the door by screaming as loud as she could. She sits and waits, amazed at what a genius plan she has concocted.

Minutes tick by and her husband does not exit the door. In fact, she does not hear much at all coming from inside the house as she presses her ear to the door. Not to mention, she soon finds out that standing in the garage in the heat is not much better than sitting in an enclosed vehicle. Yet, she is still determined to bring her plan to fruition, so she carefully begins to creep around the side of the house and opens the fence door and proceeds to shut it as quietly as possible. It CLANKS shut and she freezes. She waits, and then creeps to the back sliding door/deck area in order to sneak inside the house undetected.

She slowly places her foot on the first deck steps and the two dogs inside start barking wildly. She races up to the sliding door and glares at the dogs, with her finger to her lips and a slight ‘shhh’ coming out her mouth. Whether the dogs realize she is pissed, whether they thought it was a game, or whether they were faintly amused, the wife could not tell. All she knew is that she was relieved that they immediately hushed…

She opens the door and is inside the kitchen with the dogs, who began pummeling her with excited greetings. She pats them on their heads and soon figures out her husband is in the upstairs bathroom. Therefore, she creeps slowly upstairs, stopping every so often when the stairs make a ‘popping’ noise. She stealthily tiptoes down the hall to the bathroom door and decides that waiting outside the bathroom has been done before, and so she will go hide in her office while she waits to scare her husband.

Almost as soon as she gets there, she hears the toilet flush and realizes she will be seen if she does not find somewhere to hide. In the instant that her husband steps out of the bathroom, she steps into her closet and stands on her sewing machine chair with the doors still slightly ajar to block any immediate sighting of her if her husband decided to peek into her office looking for her.

“Lisssaaaa…….”

“LISAAAA…”

The wife tries to contain a giggle as she still stands in her closet. She hears a door close, and footsteps and she decides the coast is clear to sneak back down the hallway to their bedroom and hide there instead to scare him. She starts down the hallway…..

The floor makes its ‘popping’ noise again and she stops. And waits….

She starts again, and she soon hears another popping sound. She realizes it’s her knees that are now popping and starts getting grumpy at herself for being so loud. However, not to be deterred, she moves again. Two more steps, and her stomach gurgles loudly.

Wife sighs and wonders to herself if she should just give up, but decides against it and presses on. Two more steps, and…

SOMEONE utters her name! The terrified wife lets out a scream that could be heard several blocks away in their peaceful suburban neighborhood.

She then sees her husband in the bedroom. On the bed.

Laughing.

The End.

A Friend

Sometimes you make friends in the most unlikely situations......

The other night I was laying in bed, surfing the web with my laptop when I heard a 'buzz-ing' sound. This sound was awfully like a June Bug sound, and sure enuf, it *was* a June Bug. It was flying around our master bathroom, and had most likely found its way all the way upstairs by our young pup who has found June Bugs to be a delicacy. The only problem is that not all June Bugs find their way into Miss Sadie's stomach =) So occasionally, they will be flying around downstairs....

This was the first time that we had one upstairs, and needless to say, I am really afraid of June Bugs. They are just..... well, they just freak me out, ok? lol

Anyway! I wasn't ready and/or capable of taking care of capturing this June Bug, and my husband had decided to call it a night already and was snoring away. Altho, I did wake him up when I toppled out of bed and quickly shut the bathroom door to trap the June Bug IN the bathroom. I was not ready to deal with waking up with a June Bug sitting on the pillow next to me the next AM, wishing me a 'good morning' thank you very much! BUT not even 10 minutes afterwords, the June Bug was flying around the bedroom.

*SIGH*

So what do I do? Not a d*mn thing lol Sometimes being tired is a wonderful thing, it makes things like dealing with June Bugs not quite that important =)

I wake up the next morning and start getting ready for work. I shower - cuz I am considerate like that and don't wanna gross out my work peeps lol - look up towards the showerhead and see a JUNE BUG.

WTF? This June Bug has an unnatural obsession with me I swear. It just sat there and watched me. And no, I am not paranoid. It did just sit there. AND WATCH ME. I feel violated.

But ok....whatever.... I don't have time to deal with you June Bug, I am gonna go to work. So off I go, work thru my lunch hour to head to a DR appt and get home. Later, I start working on a college class assignment in my office upstairs and all of the sudden something (ie June Bug) buzzes by my friggin' head *uggh* It lands on the side of my desk and sits there....

And watches me...

Ya know, its nice and all that this June Bug is so obsessed with me, that it finds me its 'friend', but I have no room in my life for friends like that lol Or maybe I am just 'full of myself' and it just knew I was its only way out of the house with the dachshund who finds it to be quite tastey. Regardless, I started to try to overcome my fear and scoop him up on a piece of paper. I then walk all the way downstairs, open the front door, shake the paper and shut the door quick.

So right now I might have a June Bug out there who is indebted to me forever, or I shook the paper too hard and it fell to the ground, got a concussion and died.

I prefer to think I made a friend who is indebted to me forever myself lol

An Angry Post

Ya know, its amazing that when I woke up this AM, I didn't roll over and fall out of bed, break my arm and be taken to the hospital. Not to say that I have bene uncoordinated today...

No, wait.... yes, I have been. But Ialso think its just a matter of being *my* unlucky day. Its one of those days when I can just sit in my chair at my desk at work - not move, not do anything - but breathe. And that would miraculously cause something to happen around me or TO me.

And you know when you tell someone about your day and they don't quite believe you? Or maybe you are partly telling them the truth, but exaggerating the rest?

Yeah, that's me. My day *can* (and often will be) something you won't believe, something that only happens in the movies. Or people with incredible crappy luck. Like F'N me.

I filed away a bunch of files this AM and managed to get halfway thru when I hit my my knuckle on one of my fingers HARD. I remind myself I am at work and not to cuss. I remind myself that this particular finger was all messed up anyway. I then look down and see I have a cut thats bleeding on it, but neveryoumind - thats what bandaids are for right? I managed to get one put on and finish filing, go back to my desk to grab one of the many files *still* left there and cut my SAME finger on one of the files.

I was unable to remind myself I was at work before I cussed by the way...

I put another bandaid on, which being on the tip of my finger this time, made it a bit awkward to type, but thought I should leave it on awhile. I manage to get thru an hour before I cut my pinky finger on another F'N file.

Yes, I know its just a paper/cardboard cut. But seriously? 3 cuts all on one hand in one friggin morning? Why the f*ck does this always happen to me?

BUT.... its almost lunch time..... I will go to lunch, get something in my stomach, visit with my husband and everything will fix itself. I expect sympathy from my husband when I relate my story and show him my hand, but he laughs. And he laughs even harder when I start eating my honey mustard chicken snack wrap from McDonalds and the honey mustard drops onto my shirt. Will I let that deter me from trying to get in a better frame of mind? Heck no....

You admire the determination I have? The persistence? The ability I have to still try to be optimistic don't you? Yeah, well.... things still managed to be f*cked up, as not even a minute later I drop honey mustard on my shirt AGAIN and have yet to be able to get it off. It looks like F'N puke. Cuz apparantly honey mustard has particles in it that love to cling to my shirt. And nevermind the fact that its F'N yellow... ishh....

Yeah, lunch hour needed to be over. This day needs to be over. But as I was picking up my purse and getting ready to get out of the passenger seat of my husband's car, my work badge grabs to the seat and as my husband says 'WAIT', I manage to yank and tear off the clip from the badge. Its in two pieces now. Its in 2 F'N PIECES....

*sigh*

Stoopid is as Stoopid Does

It's been awhile since I have blogged huh? I will try remedy that from now on - tho, I do wish I could say this time away from bloggin has made me older and wiser, but apparantly its only made me older. Which I guess is good for all you readers out there (well, some of you anyway lol), but it certainly perplexes me why things have to be so darn hard for me....

Physically and emotionally, I have been somewhat of a mess lately. My husband felt sorry for me the other night when I complained of having a headache for a week straight and donated a painkiller of his to alleve my pain. In addition, after also whining about cold sores in my mouth, he gave me pills that help numb/help 'em mend a bit better.

Yep. My husband is where I go to for all my prescription needs. Needless to say, the poor guy is even more messed up than I am. But anyyway.... we will feel sorry for him another day, this blog post is dedicated to feeling for myself. SO there lol

So after a night of doping myself out with my husband's drugs, the next morning was a bit of a hassle. I woke up somewhat late, and put on the first reasonable outfit I could come up with and headed out the door. I was a bit frustrated with my pointey toed boots being scuffed up, but thought they were the only thing that looked decent with the pants I was wearing. And the pants? Well, after a trip to the restroom, I find out that one of the back pockets is tearing and you could basically see my err.... butt.

Yeah, I know. I can be super classey =)

ANYWAY! Needless to say, between having my pants ripping and my feet sore from the boots (not to mention I found out that we could wear jeans), I decided to go on an early lunch to Wal-Mart. I asked one of my coworkers where the closest Wal-Mart is at, and she told me about the one in Roeland Park that was only 5 minutes away. And other than questioning the GPS's knowledge of the roads, I arrived there in about 7 minutes ready to do one of the fastest shopping trips of my life.

Except most signs were in Spanish. Most of the store was arranged different. And there really was not much clothing to pick from. They did seem to really like Miley Cyrus at this Wal-Mart, and I have to say, I did find a cute shirt of hers that I *almost* bought. BUT, its a friggin Miley Cyrus shirt and I am almost 36 years old and I thought that me wearing it would just be plain odd.

AND it was a friggin Miley Cyrus shirt....

So needless to say, I found another shirt that was plaid and somewhat similar to Miley's, some new jeans, shoes and socks. I then clomped thru the store to pick out a microwave dinner for lunch, headed to checkout, paid and left.

Return trip and rest of the work day went by fairly uneventfully, and then I was headed out to a dentist appointment where I was sprayed at least 6 times with the water tube that 'swooshes out all that nasty gritty stuff' (dental assistant's words, not mine) of my mouth. I dried off and headed for home with my pearley whites...

And how do you know when your husband thinks your shirt is flattering on you? Well, its certainly not when he greets you with the theme song to the 'Beverly Hillbillies' - thats for sure! In addition, once I was standing in front of him, he unbuttons my last 3 buttons and tied it up just like whats her name on the show. Then, to make matters worse, he asks:

"Why didn't you just go to Target? There is one just 2 minutes away from where you work"

I spend a little while argueing with him on it, until he looks it up and it suddenly dawns on me that there IS a Target that is closer than the Wal-Mart was to work...

Needless to say, I had to tell my coworker I had a bone to pick with her the next day lol I swear she doesn't like me =)

A List

Over the past couple of weeks, just when things seem to be going smoothly, there has always been *something* that makes it more difficult. So, here is my list you 'know when its things are not gonna go your way when":

1) You do your homwork while in Vegas on a SATURDAY morning in your hotel room (when most people should be hungover from the night before), and hear endless sounds - maids being overly energetic in their cleaning in the rooms next to you (specially the bathrooms btw), kids - yes F'N kids in Vegas! screaming down the hallway, an ambulance for a whole 5 minutes, a car siren for 5 minutes, a fire truck siren for another 5 minutes.....and repeat.....

Husband returns, noises continue for another 20 minutes, and then....SILENCE...

And then you hear a train's horn HONK!!! as it makes its way thru Vegas..

You look up. You sigh. And say - REALLY?? A train??? IN VEGGASS???

2) You are in a movie theatre with your husband to see the move 'The Losers'. You successfully hide the fact that you have the hots for the lead actor, get snacks and settle in a bit early to watch the movie. You are bored, however.....and soon you tink it would be funny if you threw a piece of your popcorn at your husband. You successfully do so - but then husband retaliates by throwing an peanut M&M at you and hitting you in the head. HARD.

You pout. BUT you do not let this phase you in the least... you soon decide to throw 2 pieces of popcorn at your husband. Husband reaches in the bag of popcorn and you flinch. You then open your eyes when you feel something IN your blouse. IN your bra. With eyes opened, you realize its a BUNCH of popcorn crumbled up in your bra. And then you have to proceed to 'dig' it out...

3) You and husband go to Best Buy to get yourself something that will track your calories/miles since you have now become a lil more ...err...FIT. First Best Buy does not have them - they are too small of a store. But this is not found out until you and husband have walked around the whole friggin store. And, since you are not in a good mood before you enter the store, this does not help your mood as you leave the store...

You get in the car with the husband and head out of town to another Best Buy in a bigger city and continue your bad mood. You are almost out of the city when you see an Orscheln's sign advertising 'CHICK DAYS' and you suddenly ask husband to turn around and go back to Orschelns. He remains confused/amused, and becomes even more amused when you tell him you want to hold a baby chick so it will help 'improve your mood'. However, he *does* turn around...

AND, you do hold a baby chick......well, more like an adolescent chick cuz the baby chick pecked at your hand when you went...AWWW....and tried to reach in... but anywayy...

You leave Orschelns and your husband think it would be appropriate to now begin to quiz you if you like Rhode Island Reds, New Hampshire Reds, Hollands, or.....


Yes, folks.... that is my week in review....

Jesco White

The other night - after watching the movie 'Time Traveler's Wife' - my husband was gonna try and pick us a 'feel good' movie. 'Cuz, despite the 'Time Traveler's Wife' being fairly decent, it was also fairly depressing - and not a great way to end your Thursday night. Soo... what movie does my husband pick?

"White Lightening"

In his defense, I do not *think* (he can look incredibly innocent of all charges at times), he knew the movie was:

#1 About Jesco White - whom has not reportedly held a fairytale life
#2 That the movie would be the most disturbing movie we have probably have watched thus far

Well, anyway! Suffice it to say the dude was *incredibly* redneck thoughout the movie - and I was SO affected by this movie (and not in a 'omg, this is like, ya know - the MOST incredible movie everrrrr sorta way) that I woke up the next morning tossing and turning due to nightmares cuz of it and only really remembering one line out of the whole movie:

"She's messin' with my headdddd..... my headdd....."

Yeah, I know - incredibly sad isnt it? lol

Well, needless to say, my husband went to work the next day recommending that the work peeps should watch this movie as well. I wish I could say that he truly likes the movie and wanted someone to be able to pass their 1.5 hours in a 'wow - this is the bestest movie everrr' fashion. But (and this was *before* we watched this disturbed movie), my husband is quite sick in da head himself lol

However, I have also had to pay the price of watching this movie by being dubbed 'Joda Mae' and having my husband wake up two - yes, I repeat, TWOOOOOO - friggin mornings in a row calling me that in his most redneck voice he can muster lol

So what's my answer? If you are unable to beat them - join them.

So thats what I have been doing lol He 'lipped off' and called me Joda Mae this morning and I retorted:

"Shut your mouth, and shave your sister!"

To which he replied:

"Well, thats just nasty."

To which I said:

"Its *just* hair"

Uh huh..... I know. Thats sick. And sad. And twisted. And all sorts of really sad and twisted sorta sh*t lol

So anyway! I need help y'all! My husband has given me a redneck-ish sorta name (Joda Mae). Now I need help giving him one! So watcha y'all think? Clayton? Cletus? Plain ole Jim Bob? Spill da beanz! I wanna hear your opinions/thoughts =)

So like.....

.... my husband and I, were like, at CVS tonite ya know? And, like, we thought (after a couple of margaritas) that we needed to look for some baseball caps. Which is like, another story... but, like anyway...

We find some baseball caps and walk on up to the register ya know? To, like, get a price check on them? Cuz we sure as heck didnt wanna spend a bunch of money on baseball caps that.... well....for time's sake....had a purpose, but we didnt need FANCY hats for gawdsake...

So anywhoo....

We wait at the register patiently, and when up there, my husband states he needs to know how much the caps are. The register dude, ya know, like rings 'em up and all? And lo and behold, they are like, 15 friggin bucks a PIECE duuddeee!!

Husband exclaims "15 F'N bucks? No F'N way I am paying THAT much for baseball caps!!"

Husband then turns around to return them, and while he is there, I decide I need some gloves. I tell my husband that they are 3 bucks, but am still, like....second guessing myself ya know?

So as we are standing in the line AGAIN, I turn around and guess what I found?

A PRICE SCANNER.

Duuudde...

Off I go to check the price. I scan the bar code. Nothing. I scan it again. NOTHING. I turn around and look at my husband and laugh. Customer in front of us ironically wants to have the construction board his 10 year old girl is holding scanned for a price check.

Like F'N really dude? Do you like, NOT see me here trying to scan a bar code on a pair of gloves at a price scanner you sick bastard? lol

Well, anywhoo...

The price scanner finally tells me the price of my gloves. I giggle with my silly accomplishment and take my place back in line with my husband. Dude ahead of us gets his construction board scanned for price at the same time, and he is like:

'WHHAAA?? How much??"

So off he goes with his 10 year old to return it as we pay for our 3 dollar gloves @ the checkout counter who looks disturbingly like Bobby on 'King of the Hill'.

So, ummm... like, does anyone else find it funny that there is so many cheap a$$ peeps at CVS? lol I dare y'all to go in small groups to CVS next time and have multiple items price checked, exclaim WTF and return them hehe