Friday, December 26, 2014

When you gotta go.....

Some bathrooms should not be visited. Like, EVER.

However, I visited one tonight that was on that list just to prove to myself I could do it. And well, honestly, my bladder wasn’t giving me many other options at that point. So I trudged forth into the gas station in the middle of Nowhere, USA, to use it. I walk towards the sign that said ‘Ladies’, turned the dilapidated corner, ignored the broken tiles I walked over, reached for the rusty bathroom handle door and pushed it open.

And stood there in disgust as I looked every single thing in the bathroom covered in grime and layered with dust, including the space heater that I was a bit unsure why it was there. I look for the toilet paper & find one roll on the grimy covered toilet, looking like someone had put their claw marks into the ends of it. Luckily, they had another roll in a better location & less shredded that I started pulling on and lining the toilet sheet with. I may be brave enough to use that bathroom, but I am NOT brave enough to use that bathroom’ toilet seat without many layers between me and it.

Two pieces of toilet paper into my task, I suddenly hear a male voice & a lot of thumping on bathroom door. I pause with my third piece of toilet paper in hand and ask ‘Yes?’. Then there was silence for a second and then more pounding n the door ensues. At this point, I walk towards the door with my piece of toilet paper in hand and exclaim’ WTF?!’ I hear silence again and I turn back towards the toilet, lay the 3rd piece down and get the 4th piece ready and hear two guys talking really loud outside the bathroom door. I hear the other guy ask the original door pounder if he had knocked on the door and how he just had to wash something or the other (which I was desperately hoping was his hands). Then they finally meander away and I finish layering the toilet seat with toilet paper and proceed to do my business.

One more piece of toilet paper later to flush the toilet & a timid gripping of the bathroom door, I swung it open, walked to front of the door and looked at my husband with a shell shocked look on my face as he asks…

‘You ready to go?’

Uhh, gee dude, what was your first clue?

I don’t think there is enough Purell  in this world to make me feel less dirty & violated right now *sigh*

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

If You Can't Say Something Nice

....don't say anything at all, right?

Wrong! That is, that rule doesn't seem to apply to my husband.

Why? You ask? Well, let me tell you a little story of how my morning went.

I actually got up at 6A this morning to get ready for my work day and head in to an eye appointment at 7:45A. Anyone who knows me knows I am *not* a morning person, so this was a major accomplishment. Not to mention, it was also an accomplishment for me to find the eye DR's office, despite being there multiple times over the past 8 years.

Annnndddd......let's not dwell on how I get lost going somewhere I have been many times before....moving right along with aforesaid story....

I go through the myriad of standard tests they do there every time and finally have the optometrist come in to see me. He listens to me as I tell him about my headaches, does a few more tests and then announces that I am 'at that age' where I will be needing some reading glasses. After that announcement, my face did a slight contortion of sorts with the inability to digest that news, and then he hurriedly goes on to say:

"Well, it happens to everyone. Its just a part of the ....uh....process'.

I sigh. I still contort my face. He says a few more things to reassure me that I am not the only one in this predicament and then I pay for all this troublesome news and leave the DR's office.

I then decide to go to Starbucks and try to use the $2 off coupon I have for a salted caramel mocha. I order. I drive up to the window to pay. I then am asked for my Starbucks card. To which I reply:

"Really? I need my card? Oh well then......"

I was then told that it was ok 'this time', and they processed my order minus the 2 bucks.

As I drive away, I feel pretty good about getting my $2 off, but am still a bit bothered about my DR's appointment and text my husband that 'our eye DR sucks'.

Not too much longer he calls me to find out why and I tell him the whole sad story of how my morning there went. Suffice it to say, since he has had reading glasses for quite some time, I didn't get that much sympathy. So I moved the conversation along to my trip to Starbucks and was at the part where I had replied:

"Really? I need my card? Oh we.........."

And my husband interrupts and says, 'Oh, they probably just excused you because they realized you were at THAT age and getting forgetful huh'?

Uhh, yeah......the conversation was then abruptly cut short.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

A Turtle

The other day I was driving home and had made it to the intersection close to our house, when I noticed a turtle in the road. I made sure to drive over it to make sure I did not kill it and decide to turn around to see about getting it out of the road. I drove back by it and as I was trying to find a place to park that wouldn't be in the way of traffic and/or people's driveways, I notice that it's shell *may* be cracked. However, ever the optimist, I made another attempt to find an appropriate place to park in an effort to get out and come to the turtle's aid.

I finally find a gas station to park at and start walking over to it. As I was nearing it, I started getting distressed that there were several vehicles about to drive by it. I watch a truck drive by it and breathe a sigh of relief when the truck avoids running over it. I then notice a small car coming up quick behind the truck and think that person will do the same thing.

Instead, as I was waiting for this car to pass so I can walk in the street and help the turtle, the young gal in the car runs over the turtle. There was no mistaking that the turtle had met it's demise, as I watched blood spurt upwards from the body.

There was ample room for that person to avoid the turtle, but yet she didn't.

Yes, I am animal lover. Yes, I wanted the turtle to live. But I was *not* impressed by the way she didn't even try to avoid it. I have to say, I was just as depressed about the cavalier attitude in her killing the turtle, as the turtle's death itself. Feels like a lot of people are being that way lately anymore - they are only thinking of themselves and/or totally oblivious how their actions hurt someone.

Or they just plain didn't care to begin with....

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Ya Hear THAT??

Last night, as my husband and I sat in the hearth room being lazy with the pups and surfing the web, we suddenly heard a THUMP on the sliding glass door.

I look up from my iPad and ask my husband “What the heck was THAT?”

To which he noncommittally replies, “I am sure it was just a bug”
I sat there a minute mulling over his response, not sure if I should just ‘let it go’ and continue my surfing. Yet, I thought about the hummingbird that has been currently hanging out by our deck & trees lately, and suddenly started to worry that maybe it was the hummingbird.
So, after a slight pause, I answer, “But maybe it was the hummingbird?”

A slight sigh escapes my husband as he replies, “I doubt it. I am sure it was a bug.”
I sat there another minute and decided I did not like that answer either. Therefore, I got up, put my iPad down and went to the sliding glass door to look out to the deck. Yet, the deck light wasn't on, so I couldn’t see. Despite me clicking the light switch off and on and OFF and ON and…. well, the light never turned on, largely due to it being a motion based light of course.
Although I was hoping to be able to keep the sliding glass door as a barrier between me and whatever was out on the deck, I resigned myself to the fact I *had* to open the door to find out. I reached for the door handle and slid it open as the pups charged out to the deck, waved my hand in front of the light and…
I hear something BZZZZZZZZ loudly and barrel into my foot with a loud KERRTHUMPPPP!
And what do I do? I yell…..and scream….and slid the door shut all within a matter of 10 seconds.
And as I am whimpering and feeling sorry for myself, my husband calmly says, “I told you it was a bug”
I glare at him and reach for the door again to let the pups back inside. The oldest pup comes in, but there is no sign of the younger one. I bravely poke my head out calling her name and all of the sudden she DOES run inside but with a HUGE winged creature in her mouth and starts chewing on it on the hearth room floor and I go through another round of screams, cries, whimpers and more.
And listen to my husband snort with laughter and say “See? It’s just a bug”.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013


Apparently, I have a hummingbird. My husband has seen it. I am sure my neighbors have seen it. Heck, I think maybe even my dogs have seen it. But have I?

Maybe? I think I saw something flutter by the other day and was convinced that I had a hummingbird also. But….the more I sat there the other day waiting for that *something* to flutter by, all I saw was multiple dragonflies. Not one to be deterred, I waited – with the encouragement of my husband when he did reassure me that he *did* see one – only to holler at my youngest pup cuz she was eating an aforesaid dragonfly.
Yeah, so….
I am thinking I am going to have to start stalking my hummingbird feeder every day. I have been told they can be pretty social birds. But honestly, I think I freak them out, cuz I never see them. And honestly, I am a ‘lil miffed at them by now. They wouldn’t have food to stop by and eat if it wasn’t for me darnit!
OK, ok….breathe Lisa….breathe… sure hummingbirds don’t like angsty humans either…

Friday, July 26, 2013

Prince Charming

I have got into the habit lately of watching a show about gals going to a bridal store in NYC to pick out their wedding dresses. Most episodes are fairly predictable, but yet, I still hit the ‘play next episode’ button. I think it is because it is something I can watch to keep myself occupied with, but can more easily tear myself away from the episode in case my husband & I suddenly need to go somewhere.

But yet, I AM a woman, and even though I am a fairly practical one at that, I still like to ooooo and awwwww over the dresses, see how some of the dresses look on people and get somewhat caught up in the romantic idea of getting married.

So when I was watching an episode in bed (without my headphones on I might add), and the gal starts sniffling and talking about how her guy is her ‘prince’, I start sniffling as well.

I then look over at my husband and ask, “So are YOU my PRINCE?”

My husband looks at me quietly, then responds in a deadpan manner, “”No. I am your pig. And you are the pig farmer.”

I bet you all can imagine how warm & fuzzy that made me feel lol

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Stoopid Gnat

Actually, the title is somewhat misleading. Yes, the gnat is stupid for bothering me, but I swear the gnats this summer have managed to take some steroids and vitamins to boost their ability to get away from humans before they get killed.

As I sit in my office this evening, I have swatted at a gnat about 10 times. And missed each time. I am typing and the gnat slowly flutters by my computer screen. I am not joking about slowly either, I swear if it was a human in the water, this gnat's speediness could be likened to a human lazily doing the breaststroke backwards. And yet, despite a brief hiccup in the lazy backward stroke it was taking, it still disappeared in the blink of an eye as I slapped my hands together in front of the computer screen. Since I did not see the gnat again for another couple of minutes, I thought I had already won the battle.

And then I saw it go lazily across the screen in the opposite way. And my hands slap together again with more gusto.......and I wait...

As I go through the process about 7 more times, each time trying to be quicker in my hands clapping together & therefore, by the end of the 9th time, my hands are pink and stinging from being clapped together so hard in an effort to kill the gnat.

After that, as I sat and stared at my stinging hands, I made the decision I was not going to care anymore. So what if I have a gnat fluttering across my screen? So what if I have an open drink it could possibly take a dip in and fly away leaving me disgusted at the what the gnat could have been doing in it? It is only a gnat. Heck, a gnat is an insect right? If it decides to take a dip and drown in my drink and I slurp it up unknowingly, then I will have won cuz I will have consumed extra protein for the day.

And as I thought that last bit, the gnat flew by right in front of my face and I slapped my hands together instinctively.

Stoopid gnat. I guess its bored. Leave me the f*ck alone lol