If You Can't Say Something Nice

....don't say anything at all, right?

Wrong! That is, that rule doesn't seem to apply to my husband.

Why? You ask? Well, let me tell you a little story of how my morning went.

I actually got up at 6A this morning to get ready for my work day and head in to an eye appointment at 7:45A. Anyone who knows me knows I am *not* a morning person, so this was a major accomplishment. Not to mention, it was also an accomplishment for me to find the eye DR's office, despite being there multiple times over the past 8 years.

Annnndddd......let's not dwell on how I get lost going somewhere I have been many times before....moving right along with aforesaid story....

I go through the myriad of standard tests they do there every time and finally have the optometrist come in to see me. He listens to me as I tell him about my headaches, does a few more tests and then announces that I am 'at that age' where I will be needing some reading glasses. After that announcement, my face did a slight contortion of sorts with the inability to digest that news, and then he hurriedly goes on to say:

"Well, it happens to everyone. Its just a part of the ....uh....process'.

I sigh. I still contort my face. He says a few more things to reassure me that I am not the only one in this predicament and then I pay for all this troublesome news and leave the DR's office.

I then decide to go to Starbucks and try to use the $2 off coupon I have for a salted caramel mocha. I order. I drive up to the window to pay. I then am asked for my Starbucks card. To which I reply:

"Really? I need my card? Oh well then......"

I was then told that it was ok 'this time', and they processed my order minus the 2 bucks.

As I drive away, I feel pretty good about getting my $2 off, but am still a bit bothered about my DR's appointment and text my husband that 'our eye DR sucks'.

Not too much longer he calls me to find out why and I tell him the whole sad story of how my morning there went. Suffice it to say, since he has had reading glasses for quite some time, I didn't get that much sympathy. So I moved the conversation along to my trip to Starbucks and was at the part where I had replied:

"Really? I need my card? Oh we.........."

And my husband interrupts and says, 'Oh, they probably just excused you because they realized you were at THAT age and getting forgetful huh'?

Uhh, yeah......the conversation was then abruptly cut short.

A Turtle

The other day I was driving home and had made it to the intersection close to our house, when I noticed a turtle in the road. I made sure to drive over it to make sure I did not kill it and decide to turn around to see about getting it out of the road. I drove back by it and as I was trying to find a place to park that wouldn't be in the way of traffic and/or people's driveways, I notice that it's shell *may* be cracked. However, ever the optimist, I made another attempt to find an appropriate place to park in an effort to get out and come to the turtle's aid.

I finally find a gas station to park at and start walking over to it. As I was nearing it, I started getting distressed that there were several vehicles about to drive by it. I watch a truck drive by it and breathe a sigh of relief when the truck avoids running over it. I then notice a small car coming up quick behind the truck and think that person will do the same thing.

Instead, as I was waiting for this car to pass so I can walk in the street and help the turtle, the young gal in the car runs over the turtle. There was no mistaking that the turtle had met it's demise, as I watched blood spurt upwards from the body.

There was ample room for that person to avoid the turtle, but yet she didn't.

Yes, I am animal lover. Yes, I wanted the turtle to live. But I was *not* impressed by the way she didn't even try to avoid it. I have to say, I was just as depressed about the cavalier attitude in her killing the turtle, as the turtle's death itself. Feels like a lot of people are being that way lately anymore - they are only thinking of themselves and/or totally oblivious how their actions hurt someone.

Or they just plain didn't care to begin with....

Ya Hear THAT??

Last night, as my husband and I sat in the hearth room being lazy with the pups and surfing the web, we suddenly heard a THUMP on the sliding glass door.

I look up from my iPad and ask my husband “What the heck was THAT?”

To which he noncommittally replies, “I am sure it was just a bug”

I sat there a minute mulling over his response, not sure if I should just ‘let it go’ and continue my surfing. Yet, I thought about the hummingbird that has been currently hanging out by our deck & trees lately, and suddenly started to worry that maybe it was the hummingbird.

So, after a slight pause, I answer, “But maybe it was the hummingbird?”

A slight sigh escapes my husband as he replies, “I doubt it. I am sure it was a bug.”

I sat there another minute and decided I did not like that answer either. Therefore, I got up, put my iPad down and went to the sliding glass door to look out to the deck. Yet, the deck light wasn't on, so I couldn’t see. Despite me clicking the light switch off and on and OFF and ON and…. well, the light never turned on, largely due to it being a motion based light of course.

Although I was hoping to be able to keep the sliding glass door as a barrier between me and whatever was out on the deck, I resigned myself to the fact I *had* to open the door to find out. I reached for the door handle and slid it open as the pups charged out to the deck, waved my hand in front of the light and…

I hear something BZZZZZZZZ loudly and barrel into my foot with a loud KERRTHUMPPPP!

And what do I do? I yell…..and scream….and slid the door shut all within a matter of 10 seconds.

And as I am whimpering and feeling sorry for myself, my husband calmly says, “I told you it was a bug”

I glare at him and reach for the door again to let the pups back inside. The oldest pup comes in, but there is no sign of the younger one. I bravely poke my head out calling her name and all of the sudden she DOES run inside but with a HUGE winged creature in her mouth and starts chewing on it on the hearth room floor and I go through another round of screams, cries, whimpers and more.

And listen to my husband snort with laughter and say “See? It’s just a bug”.

Hummingbirds

Apparently, I have a hummingbird. My husband has seen it. I am sure my neighbors have seen it. Heck, I think maybe even my dogs have seen it. But have I?

Maybe? I think I saw something flutter by the other day and was convinced that I had a hummingbird also. But….the more I sat there the other day waiting for that *something* to flutter by, all I saw was multiple dragonflies. Not one to be deterred, I waited – with the encouragement of my husband when he did reassure me that he *did* see one – only to holler at my youngest pup cuz she was eating an aforesaid dragonfly.

Yeah, so….

I am thinking I am going to have to start stalking my hummingbird feeder every day. I have been told they can be pretty social birds. But honestly, I think I freak them out, cuz I never see them. And honestly, I am a ‘lil miffed at them by now. They wouldn’t have food to stop by and eat if it wasn’t for me darnit!

OK, ok….breathe Lisa….breathe…..am sure hummingbirds don’t like angsty humans either…

Prince Charming

I have got into the habit lately of watching a show about gals going to a bridal store in NYC to pick out their wedding dresses. Most episodes are fairly predictable, but yet, I still hit the ‘play next episode’ button. I think it is because it is something I can watch to keep myself occupied with, but can more easily tear myself away from the episode in case my husband & I suddenly need to go somewhere.

But yet, I AM a woman, and even though I am a fairly practical one at that, I still like to ooooo and awwwww over the dresses, see how some of the dresses look on people and get somewhat caught up in the romantic idea of getting married.

So when I was watching an episode in bed (without my headphones on I might add), and the gal starts sniffling and talking about how her guy is her ‘prince’, I start sniffling as well.

I then look over at my husband and ask, “So are YOU my PRINCE?”

My husband looks at me quietly, then responds in a deadpan manner, “”No. I am your pig. And you are the pig farmer.”

I bet you all can imagine how warm & fuzzy that made me feel lol

Stoopid Gnat

Actually, the title is somewhat misleading. Yes, the gnat is stupid for bothering me, but I swear the gnats this summer have managed to take some steroids and vitamins to boost their ability to get away from humans before they get killed.

As I sit in my office this evening, I have swatted at a gnat about 10 times. And missed each time. I am typing and the gnat slowly flutters by my computer screen. I am not joking about slowly either, I swear if it was a human in the water, this gnat's speediness could be likened to a human lazily doing the breaststroke backwards. And yet, despite a brief hiccup in the lazy backward stroke it was taking, it still disappeared in the blink of an eye as I slapped my hands together in front of the computer screen. Since I did not see the gnat again for another couple of minutes, I thought I had already won the battle.

And then I saw it go lazily across the screen in the opposite way. And my hands slap together again with more gusto.......and I wait...

As I go through the process about 7 more times, each time trying to be quicker in my hands clapping together & therefore, by the end of the 9th time, my hands are pink and stinging from being clapped together so hard in an effort to kill the gnat.

After that, as I sat and stared at my stinging hands, I made the decision I was not going to care anymore. So what if I have a gnat fluttering across my screen? So what if I have an open drink it could possibly take a dip in and fly away leaving me disgusted at the what the gnat could have been doing in it? It is only a gnat. Heck, a gnat is an insect right? If it decides to take a dip and drown in my drink and I slurp it up unknowingly, then I will have won cuz I will have consumed extra protein for the day.

And as I thought that last bit, the gnat flew by right in front of my face and I slapped my hands together instinctively.

Stoopid gnat. I guess its bored. Leave me the f*ck alone lol

Some People Never Learn

For some of the people that have been following this blog a while (namely my husband & a few friends probably), there once was a time I blogged about my gladiolas. And my husband... and my husband killing them...

Well, let me just say this. Some stories NEVER end.

The day started out like any other day, yet ended tragically sad. I was in the kitchen and noticed a water bottle or two that needed disposed of. Therefore, I made the trek to the back yard to put it in our 'plastics' (ie recycle bin). But ya know, being the efficient sort of person that I am, I decided to empty the trash also and as the saying goes 'kill two birds with one stone.'

Easily impressed with myself, I walk out to the back yard with a trash sack in one hand and two plastic bottles in another. I sit the bottles down long enough to open the 1st bin's lid and then dispose of them and shut the lid. Since I now have a free hand, I open the 2nd bin to put the trash sack in, shut that lid also, and then turn around and go....

Uhhhh?? WAIT. Did I see something correctly? I reopen the bin's lid and see a gladiola, or rather what WAS one, laying on top of the garbage.

I shut the lid slowly. And stand there. And think...

SURELY my husband didn't just yank out the last two gladiolas I PURPOSELY left on the side of the house?? Maybe - just MAYBE - I saw wrong??

I reopen the lid yet again and see the stem of the gladiola laying there and the just the lid with a loud BANG and WTF??

So when husband comes home for lunch, I tell him I am concerned about something. Of course, he wants to know, but I insist that I have to show him. We walk to the side of the house and 3/4 of the way there, I can hear him say 'uhhh, I think I know what this might be about..."

And then we make it to the side of the house where I go, "do you know what is missing?'

Only to have him say, 'Damn that rabbit...."

Uh huhh...

Yeah, DAMN that oversized furry faced RABBIT my ....

Anywayy...

Moving on =)

Mr. Hedgehog

My pups have each found a new toy that they are in love with - Mr Hedgehog. Actually, there are *two* Mr. Hedgehogs in our house, both barely the size of a tennis ball and each a different shade of brown. However, one of the hedgehogs has apparently lost it's 'voice' (aka squeaker inside). In dog world, having a hedgehog without the ability to squeak it's distress at being slobbered and munched on is..... well... it is just not as fun.

Therefore, the quieter lighter colored one has been kinda forgotten about and the pups have been sharing the other. Although, since they are sharing one Mr. Hedgehog, it means that when one tires of it, the other picks it up. And the cycle repeats.....and repeats....and...

Well, y'all get the point =)

So when Mr. Hedgehog made his appearance the other night when I was trying to watch a show, it was expected. I was even ready for the irritation I felt about not hearing my show over the squeaks of Mr. Hedgehog. However, I was not ready for the response I got out of my oldest pup when I glared at her.

My pup looked at me. Blinked. And ever so slightly applied pressure to Mr. Hedgehog for a slllooooowww squeak.

And stopped. And looked at me as I snorted with laughter =)

210 Nature Sounds

Yesterday was a stressful day. Heck, it's been a stressful month. I have been on the road for work for a good part of it, and then when I am finally home, we have two epic snowstorms. And while in recovery/survival mode from the aforesaid snowstorms, I have tried getting caught up on other work while my body slowly falls apart on me.

Yeah, well...... moving on...

The point being that I needed to relax. I can be stressed out, ready for an early bedtime one minute and then once in bed, I am wide awake. So my initial remedy for it was to start listening to some flute music I had downloaded on my iPad once upon a time. However, after several days of it, I was getting to the point where I woke up and was like 'really? STILL playing that happy nonstressful flute music? gimme a break?? just quit.... QUIT....Seriously? play *something* else!".

Therefore, when I realized I was talking to my iPad like it has a choice of what it's told to play, I figured maybe I should start looking at some other CDs. So yesterday night, I downloaded another CD onto my iPad titled "210 Nature Sounds". I thought I had made an excellent choice - not only because the bits and pieces I previewed sounded good - but the ability to buy 210 songs for $9.99? Well, that's just a screaming deal if you ask me...

We will gloss over how long those songs took to download because the internet decided it had a stressful day as well and had turned in for the night. We will just go to the point where I realized I had downloaded enough of the songs to call it a night myself.

I turn on the CD and started with the sound of the ocean, the peaceful crash of the waves, a few birds randomly cheep quietly here and there, and then a minute into the song a seagull enters the picture. Yet, this is not like any seagull I have ever heard. I personally think this seagull saw a lady seagull on the other side of the beach and was trying to sound seductive. Which, and I hope no one likes seductive sounding seagulls, but that was just friggin disturbing.

Altho, in a sick & sad twisted way, it did help me sleep as this is what happened:

*snorts*

*mouth hangs open*

*exclaim WTF?! out loud*

*laughs hyserically until tears comes to the eyes*

*falls asleep because of the unexpected outburst of hysteria right before bed*

Crazy People

This afternoon I watched a movie called 'Crazy People'. It was a fairly old movie starring Darryl Hannah and Dudley Moore - the latter (the person he plays, not Dudley himself  - that I know of anyway =)) checks into a mental institution. At first he hates being there, but then gets close with several of the people there. One of which is a guy who constantly says 'HELLO". Admittedly, this was kinda annoying at first, then cute, then kinda catchy. So by the time the show ended with its 'HELLO' song, I was practically singing along (as my husband looked at me like *I* was crazy).

Promptly after, the what do you want to eat? I dunno, what do *YOU* want to eat? I dunno, where do you wanna go? started. After 10 minutes of discussion, 10 more minutes in a car to the nearby restaurant and another 30 minutes at the restaurant, we were headed to Walgreens for some much needed supplies for myself.

Husband takes off to see if they have a door stopper for my bathroom door that always closes on its own cuz our house has settled funky, and I was off to get some meds and kleenex. I am still wandering aimlessly about 5 minutes later when he shows me the felted pads he picked up in lieu of a door stopper. I look at them rather dubiously, but decide maybe I wasn't in the best shape to judge. I finally find my meds and then announce to my husband:

"I stuuul need to, uhh, ffuuuiiind kleenex'.

Kleenex was found, stuff was bought, and my stomach was already gurgling over dinner. And yeah, not the happy kinda gurgle, more like:

"REALLY? you *had* to eat this crap??" kinda gurgle.

Needless to say, we made it home in a little less than 10 minutes since my husband sensed (well, I kinda tipped him off by warning him I needed a bathroom) that I needed to get home ASAP.

I hurriedly enter the house and go up the stairs to our bedroom, which has a bathroom off of it, knowing I needed some privacy. No sooner was I in there and, uh, ready to take care of business then I hear the bedroom door open and then close, and then:

"Hello"

"HELLO"

"Hello???"

To which I pitifully reply from the bathroom: "GOOOO AWAYYYYYYY"