A Short Story

Dang - what is wrong with me? I haven't made the effort to blog lately - and it isn't like there hasn't been things to blog about. But, alas, I am getting lazy I suppose =)

To break myself back into the bloggin world, I will start with a short story of a husband and wife:

Husband and wife go to bed. Wife stares at her husband in an attempt to get her husband to notice her. Husband looks up from iPad, gets a tad grumpy and reverts his attention back to his iPad. Wife lets 5 minutes go by and she then decides to childishly poke his arm in an effort to get his attention again. Husband glares, sighs, and then puts his iPad away and lays over to go to bed.

Hmmph! Wife thinks... fine! I will do so too....

She gets up, turns off lights, gets in bed and stares at the ceiling. After just a couple minutes of this, she decides she is unable to stand the silence and starts singing:

"If you want myyyy boddddyyy, and you thinkkk I am sexxyyy, come on babbbyyy letttt me knoooowwww.."

And stops at that one line.

And listens.

And swears it is so quiet that she can hear the crickets 3 blocks down chirping.

And gets pissed - pokes husband again as he laughs, and rolls over to call it a night.

The end =)

Doggone Pathetic

Today has been tough for me physically. I woke up with a severe earache, I had trouble swallowing and I felt nauseous and out of sorts. Whether its a cold or flu, I dunno - but in either case - it truly sux =/

I did manage to get a nap in earlier in the day while waiting on my husband at his acupuncture appointment. Granted, it was in a car - and the car is small - but I was so tired, I did not care. And amazingly, it did help for a bit....

Until I got home anyway and thought I was 'cured' and I would go out and shovel snow before I started my accounting assignment. The driveway had been done from the recent blizzard, but the sidewalk had not been. And needless to say by the time I was done, I had pulled a muscle, I ached, my throat and ear hurt again and I was so peeved at having snow that I yanked out our snowman sign that proclaimed 'let it snow'.

Screw snow..... am sick of it...

Well, I am sick - period. And its hard to eat a lot of things... so what do I do to make myself feel better? I bake brownies =)

Many trips were made to the oven to see if they were done. And when the oven finally beeped that it was done, I was already there with an oven mitt, ready to take the pan out. The box said to let it cool *completely* before eating, but do I care? HECK no! I dive in with the butter knife I had gotten out to cut them with previously - not bothering to grab a spoon or fork that would make eating the brownies easier.

I eat a section. And another section. And yet another.... and then look up to see my youngest pup looking at me with her head kinda tilted sideways like 'WOW, Mom - *you* are pathetic'.

I waved at her, finished my butter knife full of brownie and decided to call it a night lol

Teaching me a lesson?

I hate when a product you buy has a sneaky lil lesson it tries to teach you. The makers of the product are not simply happy to be able to sell it. I swear they get bored with making money and just decide to mess with people. Heck! Why sell a product when you can also sit back in your office and chuckle until tears come to your eyes when you think of all the people who bought the product and fell for your lil ruse?


Product guilty of this today? IceBreakers Spearmint Sugar Free Mints.


We stop at a gas station for a bathroom break, which ended in a panic buy of several different bags of nuts, 5 hr energy drinks, 2 coffees and the IceBreaker mints. The latter was chosen to help my stomach and not make my breath as obnoxious after drinking coffee. Patting myself on the back for being insightful, forward-thinking, blah, blah, blahhhhhhhh....we got back on the road.


I manage to make it at least an hour down the road before I have to charge my iPad. No problem! I turn around, unbuckled my seat belt and dug out my charger/cord. I settle in after getting the iPad plugged in and notice my pen to use for the iPad's touch screen had disappeared. I look tho one side of my seat, then the other, then behind, and even picked my butt up off the seat and looked underneath myself as well. No pen and an unhappy Lisa....


To my husband's credit, he decides it's best to solve this predicament as soon as possible and pulls over within a mile at a rest stop.


I open the car door, get out, and found the pen on the very first side I had originally checked while on the road. But ya know what? I do not care, I do not gripe about it - I just happily sit back in the seat and get situated again as husband used the bathroom and threw away the trash. And I decide to consume some IceBreaker mints....


The package is circular, with a little tab to pull to open. I open, get a mint, close the package, and then study the package intently as I continued to wait for my husband. I notice the tab I opened said 'to share', but there was another tab on the direct opposite side that said 'not to share'. I find this kinda amusing and decide to open the 'not to share' side. I tug on tab. Nothing. I tug on tab a bit harder, and then all of the sudden I have many mints flying at me and around me. I look inside and expect a divider, something, anything that made this side any different. It was all one f'n package. There was never any f'n intention on IceBreaker's part for you to keep any for yourself.


You know what I have to say IceBreakers? Yeah, keep guessing for f'n EVER, cuz I ain't gonna share that with YOU! :P

A Jeep, A Gal, And not enuf Sleep

You know when you are really tired? Well, lemme tell ya! It could be when you are driving back from the airport at 9P on a Sunday night after being in CA to ring in 2011. At least it was for me...

I made it home ok - I even pulled into the driveway, open the garage door and park inside the garage ok. However, when I turned off my jeep, my key would not leave the ignition switch area. Even tho I am tired, I do not let this fluster me - initially anyway lol I turn the key to turn my jeep back on and it only goes halfway. The radio turns on, the vents turn on, EVERYTHING turns on except the jeep itself.

I am so tired, all I can do is go HUH? instead of my usual WTF? And I decide that my jeep is just being finicky - it IS getting older after all. Maybe this is just what I have to deal with when I have an older vehicle...

I turn the key again - radio, vents, etc come on - jeep remains unresponsive.

I turn the jeep to the 'off' position and try yanking the key out. OK, maybe yank is not quite correct considering how tired I was - and I *was* worried about leaving part of my key in the ignition. So.... I, err... tug...at the key....and nothing.

I tug harder at the key ...... and it stubbornly refuses to leave the ignition.

I then decide that maybe I just need to leave and come back and things will 'fix' itself. I go inside the house and use the restroom. I then reenter the garage and try turning the key again. Vents blow. Radio plays. Jeep sits there unresponsive. And as I let a huge sigh and turn the key to the 'off' position, say a little prayer, and tug again on the key, it still is stuck in the ignition.

OK, I decide - another break is needed. And I need to decide how I am going to get to work tomorrow, how I will pick up the dogs, how I will do this, that and the other...

I head to the mailbox to check the mail and then back to the garage to go thru the same turn on jeep, turn off jeep motions......

Yeah, you guessed it.... the jeep still did not turn on, the key was still stuck in the ignition switch, and I was starting to go into panic mode lol I finally break down and call my husband and hurriedly tell him whats wrong. Of course, thats sounded like a bunch of babble to him, so he asked me to slow down and tell him again. To which he replied:

"OK, first things first, did you put your jeep in PARK?"

To which I replied:

"F*ck, sorry - will call you back in a minute...."

Yeah, guess what I did? Ignored that I even had a PARK option on my jeep. And THAT, my folks, is when its a good thing you are home and have called it a day lol

Getting Older

I have been depressed lately. Why? I have had several reminders about how old I am. How so? Well, let's see...


There was this one time when my husband is downstairs watching TV and I decided I needed to distract him with a 'sexy' dance. I swing my hips around in a seductive fashion and POP! crrraaackk! my hips went in response. Despite my husband having the TV blaring, the sound of my hips falling apart on me was louder. My husband, needless to say, was not turned on - in fact, he pretty much lost it and started laughing. So forget the sexy hip swaying for me and my friggin old hips anymore *le sigh*


And then there was this one time when I got in the car to go somewhere with my husband and needed to put on my coat. I try to put it on, keep tugging at it, keep yanking, try to find the other armhole - finally, I manage to get it on, but it still feels funky. I try to look behind me and my husband busts out laughing and says, "uhh, you have it upside down Lisa - do you need me to stop the car so you can put on your coat?"


So it appears that my memory is going as well. Or is it my coordination? Nahh, that shouldnt be it, cuz it does take a pretty limber, coordinated person to be able to put their winter coat on, upside down, hood side trailing down to your behind right? Yeah, lets go with that and end on a more positive note shall we? lol

A Bunch of Griping

My husband goes to get his skin checked out at the dermatologist the other day. I try to be the ever helpful wife and circle any and all areas on his back that may be of concern. Not only does my husband return with the name of every friggin spot labeled on his backside, I get to hear how she retorted 'is she joking?' on one of them I had circled.


OK, first of all, I am not a dermatologist. I do not watch dermatologist shows. I do not google about dark moles, pinkish spots, oblong spots, or any other kind of skin condition. I have a life. I have things I have to concentrate on. And geez.... I circled the f'n things first thing in the AM - give me an F'N break.


And you know what? I think next year, I am gonna circle *hundreds* of spots. I am gonna draw in some spots. I gonna write on his back what I think of her and *then* see what she says.


Yes, I am so brave when I am not the one who is going in there lol


And thats not all thats been a pain in the a$$ lately. I want to go to Germany next year after I graduate from college. I find the application online for a passport. I notice both my husband and I need to get pictures taken. We went to our local post office and they were not taking pictures that day. We went again, and they were not taking pictures until an hour later. And of course, we are too busy to go later, soo....


We go another day to do so. We wait for the gal to take our pix for quite awhile, but it does get done. I manage not to take the ugliest picture of myself, so I was pleased. A couple of weeks pass and then we go back with the applications, birth certificates, etc we need to file for a passport. We are told again to come back later. We actually are able to come back later and then are told they are not doing passports that day, why dont we try another post office?


REALLY? I truly know what they mean now by going 'postal'. Thanks for wasting my time ya know?


Another 2 weeks go by and we head off to a different post office. They are doing passports, and there is just one family before us getting their paperwork done. The lady behind the counter seemed to really think she found her long lost friend in the wife, tho, and was chatting about everything under the sun. She managed to contain herself after a bit and finally finishes up with them and then it was our turn.


Our turn to find out that my passport picture is 'too big' for the application. Even tho we went to a post office that should have f'n known how big to make them. The applications were double sided that I filled out, and that is a 'no-no' too. So we refill the paperwork, and I get my picture retaken - so now I look like I have a double chin in my picture cuz she had me tilt my head down. Or maybe I *do* have a double chin, it certainly made me feel fat the rest of the f'n day =/ I think my husband had to try to assure me I wasnt about 20 times after that. And to assure me that lipo is not the answer lol


So I *think* I have a passport being processed now. Am sure they will get it and decide the application should have been written in blue ink instead of black or something, tho *sigh*


K, thats all the griping I got for y'all right now lol

Me versus Spider

What is wrong with waking up in the morning, simply getting into the shower and turning on the water and gradually waking up for the day? What is so wrong with expecting that no living creature would *want* to be in your shower considering you *just* cleaned it with enough chemicals a few days before that would kill even you? What is so friggin’ wrong with a spider realizing he/she should NOT be in YOUR shower and either scampering far, far away or making its death quick so you can go ahead with your shower in an uneventful manner?

I guess that really too much of me to ask – or at least, this morning it was – so needless to say, my day was not off to a good start =/ My morning consisted of this:

• Open shower and lean inside to turn on the shower and find out that a spider is slowly swinging its way down on its web towards myself. I refuse to believe spider is trying to be my friend, and hurriedly turn on shower head.

• Spider starts getting wet. However, this is a James Bond sorta spider who defeats the extreme force of water being sprayed at it with one quick movement up. Spider is on the back shower wall in a matter of seconds, inching his last few remaining steps up out of harms way.

• I exclaim WTF?! and do my best to direct the water from the shower head towards the spider on the wall. Spider put on his James Bond wet suit with built in turbo pack and, despite a brief second of inching down the wall from the water, again friggin defeats the force of water and inches his way up the wall.

• I exclaim WTF again and take one of my shampoo bottles to swipe at it. Spider puts on invisible force shield and simply slides down the wall behind the other bottles of stuff found in my shower, which infuriates me further. And yes, I do say a few more choice cuss words…

• I am determined to make this spider go away, even though the thought of it even remotely touching me makes me want to run screaming/crying out of the bathroom. One by one, I start grabbing the bottles of products lining my shelf on the wall the spider is on. As the fourth bottle is removed, I finally see the spider and take the 4th bottle and wildly swing it at the spider, sending it to a corner of the shower’s floor.

• Spider realizes its invisible force shield is not working and puts on its wet suit again, but the water diffuses the turbo feature and he start to slowly inch towards the shower drain from the force of the water. However, not willing to give up that easily, spider manages to push himself slowly away from the drain (cuz, yeah, like all F’N spiders have a F’N gym somewhere they work out to build up their 8 leg muscles to escape perilous water deaths).

• Proving he is not just ANY spider, he manages to get right back to the corner he was in. Super furious at this point, I take the bottle and swing at the spider again. And miss… I swing again and knock said spider unconscious. Unable to contain myself with my newfound ability to seriously maim the spider, I hit him again with the bottle and he appears to give up.

• Not trusting this spider, I manage to spray enuf water to get him moving towards the drain. As I watched him get closer, I *swear* I saw a leg move. Despite him finally moving down the drain, I spent the rest of my time in the shower convinced he would slowly swing one of his powerful legs over the drain and inch himself out of there to attack me.

So yeah, my morning did not go well – how about you all? lol