Stuff, Stuff and More Stuff

Home Improvement 101

2012-01-19T23:35:00.002-06:00

There are a bunch of websites, blogs, twitter & Facebook pages and more out there that have *something* to do with helping you with home improvement tasks. However, none of them *really* address the realities of home improvement. None of them really tell you that you will not be *that* overjoyed in the process. To me, it is kinda like a woman in labor - painful, way too long, but at the end of it all, it can be worth it. IF everything turns out as planned...

Anyway! I am not going to tell you how much I have enjoyed the many months of home improvements we have done. I am not going to tell you that I would recommend everyone do it at least once. And I am not going to say that one truly appreciates the result more if he/she does the work.

I am going to tell you the signs that it may be a good time to take a break. I am going to tell you when maybe - just maybe - you have taken on too much. And I am going to tell you that any of the good and bad things/events/etc below are a sign that *maybe* you should find something else to do with your spare time during your day. So, uh, here goes...

Good: You start enjoying long/hot showers more.
Sad: You wash your hair. You soon realize you are unable to find the bandaid that was on your finger. You soon find it IN your hair.

Good: You start applying more lotion to keep your skin from drying out.
Sad: You realize parts of your legs and hands are not *really* dry. They are just covered by grout.

Good: You go to the dentist and find out you do not have any cavities.
Sad: You go to aforesaid dentist with a bandaid on your finger & a large burn on your elbow from your curling iron.

Good: You start to feel comfortable around your masseuse.
Sad: You feel so comfortable with your masseuse that you invite her to your party to celebrate the end of the home improvement projects.

Good: You drink an alcoholic beverage to 'unwind' at the end of the night with your significant other.
Sad: You drink so many beverages you have to restock continuously before your party.

OK, I guess 5 'tips' are enuf for tonight lol

Be well. Hire a contractor =)

Life is What You Make It

2012-01-17T00:28:00.000-06:00

I have to agree with the title of this blog post for anyone except me...

What makes me so special? Well...

#1 I can paint a cabinet and have the paintbrush somersault out of my hand onto my shirt and then bounce off on to the slate floor. Yes, I *could* laugh about it. Yes, I *could* act like it didn't matter. BUT it was my F'N shirt and newly tiled floor and less than 2 weeks away from a huge party at our house. I don't wanna laugh - I wanna cry.

#2 My youngest pup thinks I stink anymore. She covers her nose while she lays on MY chair that I covered with MY blanket and squints at me like her eyes are watering. OK, *maybe* I can convince myself it was the candle I was burning. Maybe ..... IF I could convince myself that the last few months of home improvements have not improved ME.

#3 My last post about the moisturizing balm? Yeah - that didn't happen just once over the last couple of weeks. It used to be that I could learn from my mistakes.... anymore? it is too hard to remember how many mistakes I need to rectify.

#4 My highlight of the day? For me, it is to lay on my office floor and take a nap. What's wrong with this you say? Well, the pups are on MY chair in MY office and think I am too stinky to be around to curl up next to me. AND, I am friggin ASLEEP - how sad is that?

OK, ok.... yeah.... yeah.... that is the point of the above saying. Life is what YOU make it. So I guess in order for me to be more happy, I should do the following:

#1 Pay someone else to paint for me.
#2 Shower more.
#3 Take some herbs to enhance my memory.
#4 Steal my blanket from the pups to make my chair less appealing so the pups nap with me more.

Well, crud, if I type it out *that* way, it doesn't sound too hard lol

NYE

2012-01-03T23:25:00.001-06:00

How did y'all bring in 2012? A party? At home? Neither? =)

I really did not do anything much myself. Well, I *kinda* did - as I was busy doing a lot of painting & miscellaneous housework that needed to be done that day. But did I party? Nahh, not really. I did have a rum & diet coke to relax a bit from all the house stuff I had been doing. But by the time we headed off for a late dinner at Tanners (which consisted of nachos & more diet coke/rum), I thought I felt pretty sober. So I am not sure I can blame what happened in between the house and Tanners on alcohol *sigh*

Despite being splattered with paint, wearing jeans that had belt loops that ripped off when trying to yank them up over my hips, and a button up shirt that is about 15 years old..... I headed out to Tanners with my husband. In a desperate attempt to look *somewhat* classy, I started to put on makeup, add carmex to my lips and then try to massage some moisturizing balm into my hands. All of this went well up until I wondered out loud where the lid to my moisturizing balm went.

My husband replied that. "Maybe it's on your lap."

And me? Well, I automatically think he is being a smarta$$ as usual and go 'Ha, Ha - how funny! Seriously! I can't find it..."

And as I say a few choice words, I dive into my purse looking for it. In doing so, I hand my moisturizing balm container to my husband to hold.

I hear him snort with laughter, but I continue to dig thru my purse. I look beside me, underneath me and hear my husband start laughing and as I turn around to say that "it's not funny, I can't find it...", he lift the container up to show that its *sitting* on the lid of the friggin moisturizing balm.

Men are evil I say lol

Ohh Deer!

2011-12-06T21:31:00.001-06:00

Yes - there were a bunch of them at dinner tonight. Not alive, mind you.... but many greeted me as I walked into Bunga whomever's lodge this evening for dinner with my husband. If I had been fully awake and not intent on being so grumpy, *maybe* I would have had the common sense to tell my husband that the aforesaid place was perhaps not the best place to take me. As my husband so willingly explained to the guy who had the privilage of being our host/taking our name as soon as we stepped in the door...

"Stuffed heads on the wall kinda freak my wife out...."

AND let the reader please note that this was mentioned after the host thought my husband was friggin *admiring* all the taxidermy work. AND even after it was explained why we were talking about it, the host still was oblivious to the horror on my face and led us thru the maze of tables and taxidermy work where we would be seated, exclaiming...

"REALLY??? You have never have been here? "

Uhh..... like DUHHHH dude..... remember the stuffed heads comment?

Anyway! He seats us by the fireplace and I think to myself that this *might* not be so bad. In retroflect, sitting by a fireplace is almost somewhat romantic. And as I sit down and look up above the fireplace, I look a HUGE stuffed head of a moose right in the eyes....

And then I look back at my husband ....

He looks at me and loses it, laughing and shaking his head as he says, "I really know how to pick a good place to eat..."

As I look behind my husband, I have to agree, since there is a bear skin hanging on the wall and multiple antlers hanging from the ceiling. Yet, the intermittent advertisements by 'Bill' and the animals over the intercom over the 'electrifying' times to be had there as we had some of the slowest service EVER was not much better.

The rum/diet coke I had helped tho..... especially near the end of the dinner when I heard some loud sound and looked up to see a fish flapping around on the wall...

And that's when the tears of laughter started lol

Women Are Tough

2011-11-18T22:45:00.002-06:00

No, really. They are.... more so than you would think...

Some women are tough emotionally. Me? Well, emotional stability eludes me most times - BUT I am physically tough. I have moved a heavy wooden table across one room to another by pushing it with my feet. I have sat on a nail while trying to watch my husband work out in the garage and managed to deal with the pain by running inside and cussing like a sailor. I have grouted a kitchen floor, sealed a deck and mowed in the same day and only had rum as my pain reliever. And I have managed to move a wine rack with a heavy granite top down the basement stairs with only a few minor scuffs on the wall....

So yesterday was really no exception when it came to a new level of pain. The aforesaid kitchen floor had not been totally finished, so I was in the kitchen ready to grout some more when my husband picked up one of the slate tiles to mastic/adhere to the kitchen floor. One thing led to another and he playfully swung it to one side and then the other side...

That other side happened to be my nose...

Believe it or not, the tile broke in half and I stepped back in disbelief. I was in shock. And I believe my husband was too - as this was something that would typically happen to me (as I am usually the one accidently hurting him). My hand slowly goes to my nose and he steps forward to make sure I was ok.

I step back.

He tries again. I step back again. All this done without many words spoken...

I didn't cry. I didn't whine. I didn't yell.

I just didn't want it to happen again lol

Needless to say, my husband felt terrible and when he asked, "Ya know when your parents said it hurts them worse then it hurts you?", I suddenly stopped backing up.

Cuz, I understood. NOT because my parents ever said that to me. BUT because I always wished they had.

Step #2 - Tile Floor

2011-11-08T23:25:00.001-06:00

A few years back, I might have thought that doing the tile in my kitchen was no big deal. However, that would have meant I was younger and better equipped to deal with the consequences of doing our tile floor myself. Not only physically, but emotionally as well - anymore, I look at our kitchen floor covered with 3/4 of the tiles and think that maybe - just maybe - it doesn't really matter if I have the other 1/4 of the tiles and grouting is way overrrated.

And then reality sets in and I try to do the mature thing and finish what I started lol

I am not able to help the feeling of animosity, tho, when I realize the number of tiles I *thought* I grouted really isn't much when I get my butt off the tiles to take a look at my progress. The 'look at me go!' feeling is replaced by one of 'no f'n wayyyyy' when I realize that my hands are permanently 'claw-shaped' because I spent a good hour on 4 tiles.

Yeah. FOUR flippin' tilessssss....

It is also sad to see me run outside to wash off the sponge that I use to wipe down the tiles. Not only because I go to end of the deck, turn on hose and pathetically spray as much as possible onto the sponge to get rid of the grout embedded in the it, but because it has also been f'n raining the past 2 days.

I am sure if one was to secretly camcord me, they would wonder why I don't just put the sponge down on the deck and let Mother Nature help me out. Especially since I take off my socks as I go outside and eventually walk across the 'clean' tiles with wet feet leaving footprints.

Honestly, I swear my feet are beginning to look 'claw-like' too from this friggin' grouting *sigh*

I think my body is trying to tell me something lol

My Jenn-Air

2011-10-25T23:43:00.000-05:00

I feel like I am just learning to bake all over again with my new Jenn-Air appliances. I get all excited when my oven bleeps at me in its happy little language that its ready to bake something for me. And I get even more tickled when it bleeps at me again saying my food is done.

However, I get a little annoyed when my stove determines that my pots and pans I previously had for my old stovetop are not good enough to cook on it. It is frustrating to put one copper bottom pan on and have it bleep at me and refuse to work. It is even more frustrating when I put one of my stainless steel pans (uhh, in my case, my *good* pans) on it and it still bleeps and flashes some weird symbol at me. After I look through my user guide, I see that this weird symbol basically is supposed to tell me to f*cking put some other pot to cook on the stovetop, cuz like, I am too good to have lowly copper bottom/stainless steel crud.

So anyway, as y'all can guess, I have been taking learning my new appliances and all their quirks very seriously lately. So when my husband decided to go out with the guys one night and remarked that I will spend the time trying to be a 'Level 3' Jenn-Air master while he was gone, my first reaction was to question it with 'Really? they have that sorta competition/training?'

Yeah, I need a life....

Or some time away from my kitchen lol

It is NOT acceptable when...

2011-10-17T22:00:00.001-05:00

Yes, I know I just had a previous blog post where I made it apparent about how disgusted I was with Netflix. And yes, I know I *should* follow that blog post with one that shows how I find that the world IS my oyster. Perhaps a blog post on how I see why everything is done for a reason, how everyone has something great to give the world, and how my life couldn't get any better.

THAT was not how things felt to me this last week, so I am gonna rant away...

#1 It is NOT acceptable when you are sitting in a restaurant with your husband and his daughter and the one single f'n fly that has managed to still be around indoors and outdoors makes its way to our table and flies right up to my face as I am eating. It is NOT acceptable when I say this is NOT acceptable, that it is NOT fair that every fly always manages to find me and ME only and my husband answers with a question, "Fly? What fly? I see no fly. What about you Holly?"

Yeah. Not cool..

#2 It is NOT acceptable when you go to Whole Foods to get lunch with two of your friends and manage to get in trouble by a little old lady because you took a picture of their friggin OLIVE BAR. It is NOT acceptable this little old lady then involves someone else in their salad bar area who also tells you how bad taking a picture of olives is, while all the while your stomach is growling and all you friggin want is to eat something.

Yeah. Not eating there again... Or if I do, I am gonna take a picture of EVERYTHING!!!!! So F'N there *grr*

#3 It is NOT acceptable when you are going thru a McDonald's drive thru with your husband and find out you have *three* white hairs. It is NOT acceptable to have your husband answer your distress by saying that he has had a streak of white hair for YEARS.

Yeah. SO not cool...

So let's summarize this blog post shall we? It is not cool for me to get white hair, be bombarded by flies and get in trouble by the Whole Foods police. Ideally, I would never get white hair, flies would turn around and bug someone else, and Whole Foods would have 'Half Foods' across the street that puts them out of business.

The End.

Dear Netflix

2011-10-03T22:59:00.002-05:00

To Whom it May Concern:

While it may not be painfully obvious to you, when a gal tries to search your streaming selection for a romance to make her feel good, PLEASE do not suggest movie titles such as The Kreutzer Sonata. Yes - I do know that you warned me that the wife was *possibly* straying from the relationship and that the husband was definitely the jealous type. Yes, I do know that you mentioned that the wife is unhappy in having to give up her career. YET, when one thinks of a romance, they imagine a happy ending.

Again - YES, I realize the definition of romance encompasses excitement and "mystery". And YES - I do realize the two main characters in this movie truly did love each other - at least at some point. BUT, please at least warn a gal that your definition of romance and mine have two entirely different results.

I do not need to go to bed wondering if my husband might be jealous enough to stalk me. I do not need to go to bed knowing that my husband could make me feel like a 'caged' animal. And a great big thanks for letting me go to bed with visions of this gal's husband slashing her in the face and stabbing her in the stomach.

Please note that maybe - just MAYBE - you should define your movies more narrowly or either quit pushing your depressing love life, sick and twisted ideas of reality on me. I would rather stay in my 'bubble' of happiness and naivety, as it's a WAY more optimistic life than yours apparently.

Have a good night. NOT.

Sincerely,

Disgruntled & disturbed customer

Turtle Concrete

2011-09-10T01:04:00.000-05:00

Sounds yummy huh? =) It was - well, most of it was anyway. The name does not do it justice actually - as it is full of fudge, caramel, candied walnuts and more unhealthy goodness that I will spare y'all. Suffice it to say, it was something I looked forward to eating - every single bite of it.

And suffice it to say, every single bite did not reach my mouth. There is a reason you should not try to eat these sorts of decadent desserts while traveling down the road at 65 plus miles an hour. Granted, I am not that coordinated, BUT...

When it comes to having fudge, caramel, candied walnuts amidst ice cream - err, sorry! technically, it was frozen custard (but both taste pretty much the same to me when laden with sinful ingredients such as fudge, etc.), I take consuming every bite very seriously. So as I drove out of town and got on the highway, I found it frustrating that I had one of the bites intended for my mouth hit my pant leg.

Another bite was more successful. Yet, the third bite was less so, as it hit the steering wheel of my jeep. I managed to hurriedly shove the spoonful of concrete into my mouth two more times before mishap happened again. This time, it splattered on my shirt, and as I said a few choice words I managed to sneak another successful bite of concrete in my mouth before the next hit the top of my shirt and sank in between my uh, err... woman parts on the upper portion of my body.

I dab quickly at the many spots made by the concrete and try to consume the rest in record time. Yet, even though I was fairly successful at doing so, the next spoonful of concrete hits my seatbelt. As I try to wipe it off, I smear it further down the upper portion of my seatbelt, leaving a sticky smear of 'stuff that should not be on your seatbelt' behind.

Anyway! There was not too much concrete left after this, but still a lot of sticky concrete residue to clean up. And a lot of explaining to my husband why my jeep is so dirty! lol

JK! =) Uhh, kinda...

The Benefits of Exercise?

2011-09-07T21:57:00.002-05:00

I am not sure I can exercise anymore. I am not sure it's beneficial for me and/or others around me. I must be doing something right, as I have managed to inspire my husband to exercise as well - AND get us both a gym membership.

Yet, it never does feel quite 'right'. I walk around the indoor track at the gym with my husband and manage to say 'owwww', 'uggh' or some other frustrated and pessimistic word about every lap. I get on the stair stepper and try to work out 20 - 25 minutes, which seem like an eternity cuz my legs are on fire, my arms ache, and my breathing sounds so horrid that little old ladies working out next to me sound 10 times better.

I have tried swimming laps at the gym, but have realized I really don't know how to swim. I have people in other lanes swimming from one end to the other in record time. And me? I stand in the water, start trying to do the breast stroke and somehow move downward into the 4 feet of water. I manage to end up doing the doggie paddle, which looks extremely pathetic in a pool of expert swimmers. I am even unable to doggie paddle even a quarter of the way, and end up getting embarrassed at my apparent lack of swimming ability that I drag my dripping self out of the water and scurry into the restroom/shower area before anyone can really get a good idea of who that untalented swimmer was.

And in an effort to make myself feel better tonight, I stuck with a workout DVD I am familiar with. Yet, I decided I was able to move on to Disc #2 since I had done Disc #1 for a number of weeks and have managed to somewhat master it.

Well..... Disc #2 was put into the DVD player and I stood there ready. BUT not ready for Mr Tony who decided to crank things up to twice the speed. Initially, I did not think it was going to be bad, and managed to exercise and look at Mr Tony in his short sky blue shorts and think he looked pretty silly wearing them. As each minute went on, the workout was more intense and I had no time to make fun of him in his pretty blue shorts. Altho, I was getting irritable with each passing minute....

So here I am - most of my body is already sore, and I am not sure if I will get out of bed tomorrow. In fact, sleeping, taking lots of painkiller and alcohol sounds pretty much like heaven right now.

Yeah, yeah.... don't judge me .... you would do the same lol

Wait a Minute, Mr Postman!

2011-08-30T16:31:00.003-05:00

I have developed a lack of faith in our postal system - largely due to the postman we have been assigned in the KC suburb in which we live. Not to say that I have been impressed with the post offices elsewhere either, tho. Let's just say the ability for them to do their job effectively has led me to believe they only employ angry, unhappy people.

Our latest problems started in Deadwood, South Dakota on the day we were going to leave to come back home from the Sturgis Harley Rally. Box was found to ship our dirty clothes so we didn't have to have as much on the bike on the way back. Box taped, box had address added to top of it, and box was paid for, and the estimated arrival date was 4 days later.

We arrive home and wait the estimated amount of days for the package to arrive. We wait another 4 days and still no package shows up on our doorstep. Needless to say, we start to worry that there was someone with a dirty laundry fetish - yet, the only recourse we have is to call the Deadwood, SD post office for clues as to where it went since we did not pay to track it. We had to head out of town, so we decided to wait another 4 days before calling.

And guess what? We were greeted by a post office pickup slip saying we had a package to pick up in our mailbox when we got back into town. It even said this was their 'final' notice. Not only were we greeted with that, but we also had a box stuck in the mailbox that the postman amazingly managed to fit inside. It was stuck in there so well that my husband could not get it out. He had to cut open the end of the box and pull out what was inside.

I was not surprised that this pissed off my husband - the postman has made me grumpy by doing this three other times. Yet, I was surprised to hear my husband declare he was writing the postman a note. He disappeared downstairs for a bit to get a pen/paper and when I saw him next he presented me the note for my review. And uhhh... well, uhh... I will spare y'all with the letter in its entirety, but it began like this:

"If you insist on being a jackass, I will insist on calling in complaints."

So, anywhooo lol Note was added to mailbox, postman came the next day and left more mail and left box/note inside. We are not sure he saw the note - as we dunno if he even bothers to look inside the mailbox before stuffing stuff in. This led to my husband calling the postman's supervisor and complaining - to which the supervisor reassured my husband that the postman would come back that afternoon and take out the box if we will leave our key in the slot.

Key was left - and we take the note out. Afternoon/evening went by and still key/box was there. We take the key out too, as we are not comfortable with other people having access to our box. Early this afternoon the dogs start barking - I managed to get to the door a few minutes later because I was busy getting dressed for an interview. Guess what I find on the doorstep?

The empty box the postman was supposed to remove! It appears that the postman now wants to be a smartass instead of a jackass lol

Sturgis 2011

2011-08-13T17:28:00.002-05:00

Anyone who knows me knows that I have a love/hate relationship with riding on the Harley with my husband every year to Sturgis, South Dakota. This year was not any different, as I had lots that I endured that I found not to be an 'ideal' situation. For instance, a yellow bug hitting your pants leg and splattering over your pants and your nearby thumb is NOT cool. One would say its actually kinda gross.

One would also say that riding on a Harley through a rain/hail storm is not an ideal situation either. Or smelling guys/gals who decided that taking showers are overrated. Or seeing gals who decided that its too hot to wear anything except pasties on their upper portion of their bodies. Or making the trip up there and back with a severe cold/sinus infection.... Or...

Well, you get my point =)

However, there are a lot of other things that made the trip worth it. Like the fact that at one of our stops we saw a hefty biker guy sitting on a bench outside a gas station with a chihuahua held lovingly in the crook of his arm. Like the fact that everytime we hit a bump, my husband would reach back and pat my leg reassuringly. Like the fact that I saw prairie dogs popping out of their holes to look around as we were riding down the road. Like the fact that the biker guys we saw up there would hold the doors open for their gals. Like the fact that my husband bought me a stuffed rabbit and before we headed off from a stop, he pulls the rabbit's plush paw out of the saddlebag to 'wave' at me. And like the fact that there were some of the most beautiful skies on this trip that I have seen...

And with that last bit being said, I will post one of my pictures of the sky I took =)

The Disagreement

2011-08-03T14:09:00.005-05:00

The other night my husband and I had a disagreement - which led me to decide I was going to go sleep elsewhere in the house. I took my iPad and headed to one of the spare bedrooms, turned on a NetFlix movie, put my headphones on and tried to forget about how peeved I was at my husband. To my husband's credit, he did come to see my not once - but twice - to get me to come back to bed. However, I wanted to make sure he knew I was mad, and refused to do so.

My husband goes back to bed, and as the Netflix movie ends, I fall asleep on the spare bedroom floor. Soon after, I realize that there are crabs biting and pinching me as I lay there. It started off with just a couple, and soon at least ten of them were biting me. And as I start to cry out and swat at them, I wake up, grab my blanket and start running down the hallway.

And halfway down the hallway I stop...

I realize it was a dream and I was still angry at my husband lol So I go to the other spare bedroom and fall asleep on the floor there. My husband soon after came and woke me up to tell me to come to bed for a third time, and I grudgingly obliged.

The next day I relate my story to him and he remarks that I was probably dreaming of crabs cuz I was 'crabby'.

AND that's when the next fight started lol

Cuisinart coffee maker

2011-06-25T00:25:00.003-05:00

It is one thing when you have a coffee pot that simply will not work. It is quite another when you have a coffee maker that will only work when *it* wants to.

My husband and I have one such coffee maker. Once upon a time, it did work only when we chose it to - yet, this coffee maker knew it was destined for better things. It knew it was programed to be capable of much more than taking orders from humans. It knew that it did not want to freak out the humans by showing its superior intellect, so it continued to take orders for the first few months of ownership. However, this coffee maker soon grew tired of that and decided to randomly start the coffee at opportune times for the humans - which impressed them and made them immensely happy.

However, this tactic also grew old after a few months and the coffee maker decided to take matters into its own hands. When the wife decided to turn it on, it would sporadically decide that it would 'wet' itself and leave a huge puddle for the humans to clean up. However, despite this, the humans decided that the convenience of having coffee ready at a certain hour of day was well worth the hassle of cleaning up the 'coffee piddle'.

Therefore, the coffee maker then changed it's course of action and started turning on *after* the humans had left in the morning and no longer needed the caffeine rush that the coffee provided. One day it might decide that it will turn on RIGHT after the husband and wife had left for the their work day. Another day, the coffee maker might decide to wait until lunch to turn on.

This eerily reminds the husband and wife of the movie about the car "Christine", which doesn't bode well for the coffee maker's future. The wife does decide to give the coffee maker a chance to 'fix itself. But despite this (and second and third chances by the way), the coffee maker decides not to budge and uh, 'hold strong' to it's decisions previosly made.

Eventually, this said coffee maker freaks out the husand and wife enough that they get another coffee maker. Therefore, this coffee maker has now not been used and feels the pressure to rectify it's past mistakes....

Well.... anywhooo! needless to say, the 'old' coffee maker is yet to be tested again. Who all thinks that it will suddenly performs like a 'normal' coffee maker?

*crickets*

Who all thinks that it won't?

Here's Your Sign

2011-06-11T21:55:00.007-05:00

There are times that you should not ignore warning signs that it just might not be your day. There are times that these signs should indicate you are going to have some bad luck. There are times that these signs will continue until you just give up and call it a day - a week - a month - heck! why not a year?

Well, if you were me anyway =)

Let me list a few of the 'signs' I have had in the last week or so....

#1) Getting a sunburn on my back a week before I went in to get a *hot* stone massage. Then getting a mosquito bite ON my sunburn. THEN getting a bruise on my a$$ that I am unable to account for. THEN having said bruise manifest itself into the nastiest bruise I have ever seen. ALL before I even make it into the spa to get my massage.

#2) Going to my lunch/massage 'date' with the gals and getting lost. Then ordering the most thin bagel ever with the most spicy salsa ever about 20 minutes before (and doncha all blame me for THAT, I had no idea what the friggin sandwich was like lol). THEN getting to the spa and having my stomach upset. THEN having the masseuse try to brand me like a cow with the rocks that were hotter than hot. They were, like... let me jump off this masseuse table and kick your a$$ you &^%$# hot.

#3) Laying my head on the table and being surprised my cup of coffee is *that* close my head, and bumping my head on the coffee cup. Then having my husband scare me as he walks out the sliding door as I am sanding the kitchen cabinets. THEN getting a funky looking sunburn, laying down on the aforesaid deck to 'even' myself out, and have my husband say 'you are a dork cuz only your feet and legs are in the sun and you are gonna have some major stripes.'

Anyone feel sorry for me yet? Shall I go on? Do I sound whiney?

Wait - don't answer that last question lol

Har Dee Har Har

2011-05-31T22:00:00.000-05:00

Apparently I should not try to communicate with my husband when I have been in pain and have taken painkillers to alleviate aforesaid pain. The other night my husband and I decided to call it a night and put down our iPads to cease our internet surfing and shut off the lights. I was not laying there long when I decided I needed to go to the restroom. I made it to the restroom down the hallway safely in the dark, and then made my way back to bed. I was almost there when my foot bumped into something, jamming one of my toes. I immediately begin to cuss, hop around on one foot and inform my husband that *now* would not be a good time to ask me if I am ok.

My husband wisely listens to me and decides not to comment until I had managed to get in bed and position myself so I was able to again consider going to sleep. Naturally, he was curious about what I had bumped into and asked me what it was. To which I replied:

"Uh, you know, it's that dirt picker upper thing."

The bed starts vibrating with his silent laughter, as he asks: "You mean the vacuum sweeper?"

"Yeah, yeah.... whatever." I answer.

My husband managed to control his laughter for a few minutes and as we are laying there in the dark, he asks me another question.

"Why aren't you using that thing to sleep with?"

"What thing?" I ask.

"You know, the neck propper upper thing."

Uggh.. good thing neck propper upper thing was not in the bed or he would've been thumped on the head with it.

2 Things That Don't Go Together

2011-05-27T16:52:00.003-05:00

There are times when there are things said or done that just make you wonder 'why me'? You wonder doesn't this happen to other people? Well, anyway, you do if you are me - and that constantly seems to be a theme with my blog posts. I seriously need to start an anonymous poll someday to see if these sorts of things happen to others on a consistent basis. Cuz like, it ain't cool lol

Nahhh =) Some of it is fine - I, uh, just don't know how to handle some of it that comes my way. Or maybe I overanalyze things to death. Maybe it really isn't that big of deal to other people? Maybe I am on the very fine edge of losing it and holding it together? Err, anywayy...

So let's start with Hulu shall we? I am a Grey's Anatomy fan. I am not quite sure why, as it never really leaves you with that warm, happy fuzzy feeling that I seek but, nevertheless, I like the show. Not too long ago, I got into the show and was playing 'catch up' on episodes. I then got to a season that wasn't playing the 'reruns' yet, which eventually killed my addiction.

Temporarily. Then along came Hulu and I was able to feed my addiction once again. Episode after episode I watched until one day Hulu stopped and displayed this message:

"You have been watching for over 3 hours, do you need a break?"

Uhh, wha da heck? Thanks? Wait, no thanks! I mean, geesh... you think I have a problem? Well, watch this! And I click out of there and, uh.... take a break.

In other news, I recently had an interview that I got all decked out for. I had the dress, the shoes, the hair, the makeup - the whole thing - I had it going on. Well, not quite...

I walked up to the front door of the building that day and slowly felt my thigh high hose slide down my leg. And of course there are two guys in front of the building talking and one walking in front of me as I tried to be as discreet as possible by rubbing my other leg up against it to somehow push it upwards. Yet, I couldn't slow down and bring *more* attention to myself, so I kept walking. I was sure despite my desperate attempt at being discreet, it was more obvious by me doing something. So I gave up - and as I clunked up to the door in shoes that only me could make look UN-sexy, my hose fell all the way down to my knee - past my skirt.

And then the guy in front of me opened the door to let me in first - yeah, wasn't that super friggin fantastic of him? lol Normally, that would be ok, but... yeah, not so much that day. I made it to the elevator (which thankfully is not where the guy was going), got in it and pushed the button and hiked up my hose fairly successfully. I then look down to see the other leg had a run in it from the toe all the way up and sighed. I looked up to see the elevator hadn't moved. I pushed the button again, only to find out that I needed a badge to use the friggin elevator. The only positive thing was that it was a good hiding place to deal with my hose at the time.

We will assume there were no cameras in the elevator for the sake of my sanity lol

Spinal Tap - Tiny Stonehenge

2011-05-17T17:19:00.002-05:00

The other day I ordered 2 rugs and some blinds from Home Depot. I ordered these online, as there seemed to be more of a selection and I have a deep-rooted disgust about shopping at any store. I have too many problems shopping at a store, so really, it is best for everyone concerened if I just do my shopping online. Well, uh.... usually....

I receive the first rug and the blinds and was pretty pleased - they were what I expected, so it was pretty uneventful when they made their appearance at our humble abode. Two more days pass by and the other rug had not shown up yet. This has me a bit grumpy, as I am ready to put down a rug by the garage door that will cover most of the hallway-ish area and protect our floors. I look up its status on the UPS site and find out it arrived around 7A at the Kansas UPS site. It was now almost 5P and still no rug had been dropped off at our door.

But finally! The truck shows up, and as I peep out my office window to make sure it was the UPS guy, I see him get out with the package, hear the doorbell ring 10 seconds later, and then see him leaving 5 seconds after that.

Uhh, ok - thanks for making sure the person is home dude! But neveryoumind - I didn't really wanna talk to you anyway lol

So.... excited me runs down the stairs, opens the door, grabs the package and shuts the door about the 5 minutes before my husband arrives home. So needless to say, he got to hear how disgusted I was with UPS, how I have been waiting for this rug, and more. My husband remains optimistic and basically tries to end the conversation about said rug with "Well, at least you have it now".

I glance at him and decide to start opening the package. The rug is rolled up and wrapped in thick plastic - tied at the ends with plastic ties. I am impatient, and instead of doing the sane thing (like get scissors or something), I start ripping into the plastic with my fingernails grumpily. This apparantly worries my husband, as he takes the package away from me and opens it up for me.

And pulls it out....

And looks at it...

And snorts as he asks, "Is it supposed to be this small?"

He holds it up for me to see and I am immediately disgusted all over again. Instead of a 2 foot by 9 foot rug, it is more like a 2 foot by 9 inches rug.

And as I sit there and stutter and grumble and say that maybe it will work after all, husband takes it to the garage door area and sets it down.

The next thing I knowis he is leaning over, his hand bracing himself on the wall by the garage door, staring at the rug. And friggin laughing. And laughing. And laughing. And laughing...

You need pix you say? Well, I dont have any of him laughing, but I can provide you with the before and afters of the rug. Needless to say, I think I might now understand why it was 2 more days before I got this rug. I think the UPS peeps were like WTF?? lol

A Little Happiness in a Fortune Cookie

2011-05-09T15:37:00.000-05:00

Well, let me first start this blog post off by saying I have had a tough day emotionally. I have been in a super funky mood ever since I woke up and it hasn't gotten any better. My dogs even haven't been much help, as the youngest one peed on the new carpet and now refuses to go outside. She just sits there and looks at me like its no fair that *I* get to pee inside and she doesn't.

I did manage to get away from the house for a bit to take my husband some lunch and go to the bank. But even that didnt go so well - as the grocery store I decided to stop at for lunch (since I needed a birthday card for a sister who doesn't send me birthday cards - but anyway - thats a whole new blog post) did not go well either.

I get there and try to park and an older man is purposely walking slow - blocking the parking spot I want. I finally get parked and out of the jeep and when I get to the store's door, he is standing there in the middle of it. So since he was being rude, I thought why the heck am *I* being nice? and pushed by into the store.

I mean, seriously? What kind of person just STANDS there?? What kind of person *lives* to piss people off? Or maybe people just wanted to peeve ME off, since on the way to the salad bar I had an even older guy stop pushing his cart and stare at me. When I did get to the salad bar, there was a gal who decided to cut in front of me and then decide that *everything* that the store decided to put in their salad bar that day looked scrumptious and began to slowly pile stuff in her container. And then continue to cut me off when I decide I did not need to have everything on the menu and tried to get around her.

At this point, I seriously felt like taking what little bit of salad toppings I manage to get so far and just slam it in her smug face. But amazingly, I found I had *some* restraint lol

I leave the salad bar and go to the chinese section for my husband. That was fairly uneventful, altho the guy seemed concerned that I was not ordering enuf or something. I am pretty sure I was asked 'is that all'? about 6 times before I was able to pay and leave.

But I did manage to leave the store and was getting close to where my husband worked when I decided maybe I would be in a better mood if I ate one of his fortune cookies. I open one up and find the below statement:

"Use your abilities at this time to stay focused on your goal. You will succeed."

And poof! A little ray of happiness began to creep over me =) It was like I needed that little bump in my ego, that little reminder that things *will* be all right.

And then I got to my husband's work place and saw a young guy in a white 'wife-beater' sitting alongside a gal with bleached blonde hair on my husband's work's front steps whom my husband thinks 'works' next door in what he thinks is a cover for a drug operation....

*SIGH*

Stay focused, Lisa. STAY FOCUSED.

In Honor of William and Kate

2011-04-30T18:50:00.002-05:00

Since William and Kate just got married yesterday, I am sure they got lots of cards (probably with more money in them than I can possibly fathom). And since I have been obsessing about my, uhh... wrong choice of birthday card the other day, I figured I should blog about it =)

I made the typical run to the grocery store the other day and was not shocked to find out that I was just as aggravated about the amount of people there, the ability of those people to all get in my way, the sad way that they all dress because I apparently shop during the hours when ‘what not to wear' is filming, and more.

So I glared. I sighed. I glared and sighed some more. I tried to hurriedly push my cart through aisles before I was pinned in and was not able to tell someone to get the F out of my way, or the person was too old to even hear I said anything.

But I digress.... I should not be a hater lol

Anyway! Last stop was in the card aisle because my husband's daughter just had a birthday and we were going to get together with her for supper soon. Despite it being a few days away, I was going to be proactive and get a couple of birthday cards - that way, my husband can decide which one he likes better to give her. I get a Hoops & Yoyo musical card (cuz really, you usually can't go wrong there) and another card and head home.

My husband gets home a bit later and I show him the cards to pick from. I open the (non)musical card, pretty impressed with my choice until.....

Well, I will post the front and the inside of the card and let y'all figure it out =)

My Garmin

2011-04-17T17:39:00.009-05:00

Yep, y'all - I am one lucky gal. I have a Garmin Forerunner 350 that my husband bought me because I pestered him about wanting a pedometer for quite some time. Only thing is, I have only used it when I go walking, as I have not been able to understand what setting I need to use for any other workout (like an exercise DVD). It came with a belt-like thing that I immediately guffawed at, thinking 'what the heck do I need to put it around my waist for?'

So days turn into a month, and then several months - and I am still using it this way. I mentioned it a couple of times on the fitness website that I signed up for and got no response. I then start to think that most people do not have this particular pedometer, and that there is a reason they do not have it. Yet, I continue to use it....

Until one day I update my fitness site and have it tweeted to my Twitter account about my frustrations with my Garmin not tracking my calories and such when I do other activities. One of the gals I 'tweet' to immediately responds that I should ask so and so about it. YAY! I think - or, uh - exclaim inwardly lol Heck, why not? Can't hurt right? All my Garmin problems are now gonna be solved.

So I privately message the person about my Garmin woes, to which the person naturally asks which device I have and informs me about the need for a heart rate monitor.

"Ohh??" I reply, "Is that something seperate I have to buy?"

"Nope" person responds, "Most Garmins should have a wireless one."

"Ohhhhh"" I reply, "Is it part of the watch then?"

"Nope" person responds, "There should have been a black plastic strap that came with it. Send me your model number, tho."

"Ohhhhhhhh" I reply. "Yeah, I think there was!! My model number is #305."

"That is what I have." person responds. "There should be an elastic band with a hard rectangle in the middle that says Garmin that's the heart rate monitor."

This is where I do not reply. This is where I start thinking of that belt I dismissed quite early on in my relationship with Mr. Garmin. I open the drawer I stuck it in - I open the manual - I look in manual and find out how to connect that 'belt' with my Garmin watch in order to track your heart beat.

*&^%%$$^&&%$

Seriously? Yeah, ok - I will try it. I bet it isnt that easy. I put 'belt' on. I turn on watch. I then observe watch sync immediately to belt and start tracking my heartbeats.

**^%$&^^%

I admit my stupidity to the person, and have the person respond "Feel free to read our exciting suspense filled adventure book about 'Manual' that we sent along :-)."

To which I assured the person that would be my reading assignment later.

So now I need to figure out the right setting to track calories with the monitor. I do not think it was set right, cuz it said I burned only 20 calories in my workout after that. IF thats truly the case, I will have to stomp on my Garmin and say "F" you exercise! Altho, I am sure there is probably some other gadget I probably shoved in the drawer I thought I did not need that does the trick.

Wow - getting physically fit is emotionally exhausting lol

A Short Story

2011-04-07T10:52:00.002-05:00

Dang - what is wrong with me? I haven't made the effort to blog lately - and it isn't like there hasn't been things to blog about. But, alas, I am getting lazy I suppose =)

To break myself back into the bloggin world, I will start with a short story of a husband and wife:

Husband and wife go to bed. Wife stares at her husband in an attempt to get her husband to notice her. Husband looks up from iPad, gets a tad grumpy and reverts his attention back to his iPad. Wife lets 5 minutes go by and she then decides to childishly poke his arm in an effort to get his attention again. Husband glares, sighs, and then puts his iPad away and lays over to go to bed.

Hmmph! Wife thinks... fine! I will do so too....

She gets up, turns off lights, gets in bed and stares at the ceiling. After just a couple minutes of this, she decides she is unable to stand the silence and starts singing:

"If you want myyyy boddddyyy, and you thinkkk I am sexxyyy, come on babbbyyy letttt me knoooowwww.."

And stops at that one line.

And listens.

And swears it is so quiet that she can hear the crickets 3 blocks down chirping.

And gets pissed - pokes husband again as he laughs, and rolls over to call it a night.

The end =)

Doggone Pathetic

2011-02-05T21:48:00.000-06:00

Today has been tough for me physically. I woke up with a severe earache, I had trouble swallowing and I felt nauseous and out of sorts. Whether its a cold or flu, I dunno - but in either case - it truly sux =/

I did manage to get a nap in earlier in the day while waiting on my husband at his acupuncture appointment. Granted, it was in a car - and the car is small - but I was so tired, I did not care. And amazingly, it did help for a bit....

Until I got home anyway and thought I was 'cured' and I would go out and shovel snow before I started my accounting assignment. The driveway had been done from the recent blizzard, but the sidewalk had not been. And needless to say by the time I was done, I had pulled a muscle, I ached, my throat and ear hurt again and I was so peeved at having snow that I yanked out our snowman sign that proclaimed 'let it snow'.

Screw snow..... am sick of it...

Well, I am sick - period. And its hard to eat a lot of things... so what do I do to make myself feel better? I bake brownies =)

Many trips were made to the oven to see if they were done. And when the oven finally beeped that it was done, I was already there with an oven mitt, ready to take the pan out. The box said to let it cool *completely* before eating, but do I care? HECK no! I dive in with the butter knife I had gotten out to cut them with previously - not bothering to grab a spoon or fork that would make eating the brownies easier.

I eat a section. And another section. And yet another.... and then look up to see my youngest pup looking at me with her head kinda tilted sideways like 'WOW, Mom - *you* are pathetic'.

I waved at her, finished my butter knife full of brownie and decided to call it a night lol

Teaching me a lesson?

2011-01-22T15:48:00.002-06:00

I hate when a product you buy has a sneaky lil lesson it tries to teach you. The makers of the product are not simply happy to be able to sell it. I swear they get bored with making money and just decide to mess with people. Heck! Why sell a product when you can also sit back in your office and chuckle until tears come to your eyes when you think of all the people who bought the product and fell for your lil ruse?

Product guilty of this today? IceBreakers Spearmint Sugar Free Mints.

We stop at a gas station for a bathroom break, which ended in a panic buy of several different bags of nuts, 5 hr energy drinks, 2 coffees and the IceBreaker mints. The latter was chosen to help my stomach and not make my breath as obnoxious after drinking coffee. Patting myself on the back for being insightful, forward-thinking, blah, blah, blahhhhhhhh....we got back on the road.

I manage to make it at least an hour down the road before I have to charge my iPad. No problem! I turn around, unbuckled my seat belt and dug out my charger/cord. I settle in after getting the iPad plugged in and notice my pen to use for the iPad's touch screen had disappeared. I look tho one side of my seat, then the other, then behind, and even picked my butt up off the seat and looked underneath myself as well. No pen and an unhappy Lisa....

To my husband's credit, he decides it's best to solve this predicament as soon as possible and pulls over within a mile at a rest stop.

I open the car door, get out, and found the pen on the very first side I had originally checked while on the road. But ya know what? I do not care, I do not gripe about it - I just happily sit back in the seat and get situated again as husband used the bathroom and threw away the trash. And I decide to consume some IceBreaker mints....

The package is circular, with a little tab to pull to open. I open, get a mint, close the package, and then study the package intently as I continued to wait for my husband. I notice the tab I opened said 'to share', but there was another tab on the direct opposite side that said 'not to share'. I find this kinda amusing and decide to open the 'not to share' side. I tug on tab. Nothing. I tug on tab a bit harder, and then all of the sudden I have many mints flying at me and around me. I look inside and expect a divider, something, anything that made this side any different. It was all one f'n package. There was never any f'n intention on IceBreaker's part for you to keep any for yourself.

You know what I have to say IceBreakers? Yeah, keep guessing for f'n EVER, cuz I ain't gonna share that with YOU! :P

A Jeep, A Gal, And not enuf Sleep

2011-01-08T21:46:00.006-06:00

You know when you are really tired? Well, lemme tell ya! It could be when you are driving back from the airport at 9P on a Sunday night after being in CA to ring in 2011. At least it was for me...

I made it home ok - I even pulled into the driveway, open the garage door and park inside the garage ok. However, when I turned off my jeep, my key would not leave the ignition switch area. Even tho I am tired, I do not let this fluster me - initially anyway lol I turn the key to turn my jeep back on and it only goes halfway. The radio turns on, the vents turn on, EVERYTHING turns on except the jeep itself.

I am so tired, all I can do is go HUH? instead of my usual WTF? And I decide that my jeep is just being finicky - it IS getting older after all. Maybe this is just what I have to deal with when I have an older vehicle...

I turn the key again - radio, vents, etc come on - jeep remains unresponsive.

I turn the jeep to the 'off' position and try yanking the key out. OK, maybe yank is not quite correct considering how tired I was - and I *was* worried about leaving part of my key in the ignition. So.... I, err... tug...at the key....and nothing.

I tug harder at the key ...... and it stubbornly refuses to leave the ignition.

I then decide that maybe I just need to leave and come back and things will 'fix' itself. I go inside the house and use the restroom. I then reenter the garage and try turning the key again. Vents blow. Radio plays. Jeep sits there unresponsive. And as I let a huge sigh and turn the key to the 'off' position, say a little prayer, and tug again on the key, it still is stuck in the ignition.

OK, I decide - another break is needed. And I need to decide how I am going to get to work tomorrow, how I will pick up the dogs, how I will do this, that and the other...

I head to the mailbox to check the mail and then back to the garage to go thru the same turn on jeep, turn off jeep motions......

Yeah, you guessed it.... the jeep still did not turn on, the key was still stuck in the ignition switch, and I was starting to go into panic mode lol I finally break down and call my husband and hurriedly tell him whats wrong. Of course, thats sounded like a bunch of babble to him, so he asked me to slow down and tell him again. To which he replied:

"OK, first things first, did you put your jeep in PARK?"

To which I replied:

"F*ck, sorry - will call you back in a minute...."

Yeah, guess what I did? Ignored that I even had a PARK option on my jeep. And THAT, my folks, is when its a good thing you are home and have called it a day lol

Getting Older

2010-12-03T13:42:00.001-06:00

I have been depressed lately. Why? I have had several reminders about how old I am. How so? Well, let's see...

There was this one time when my husband is downstairs watching TV and I decided I needed to distract him with a 'sexy' dance. I swing my hips around in a seductive fashion and POP! crrraaackk! my hips went in response. Despite my husband having the TV blaring, the sound of my hips falling apart on me was louder. My husband, needless to say, was not turned on - in fact, he pretty much lost it and started laughing. So forget the sexy hip swaying for me and my friggin old hips anymore *le sigh*

And then there was this one time when I got in the car to go somewhere with my husband and needed to put on my coat. I try to put it on, keep tugging at it, keep yanking, try to find the other armhole - finally, I manage to get it on, but it still feels funky. I try to look behind me and my husband busts out laughing and says, "uhh, you have it upside down Lisa - do you need me to stop the car so you can put on your coat?"

So it appears that my memory is going as well. Or is it my coordination? Nahh, that shouldnt be it, cuz it does take a pretty limber, coordinated person to be able to put their winter coat on, upside down, hood side trailing down to your behind right? Yeah, lets go with that and end on a more positive note shall we? lol

A Bunch of Griping

2010-11-15T17:36:00.001-06:00

My husband goes to get his skin checked out at the dermatologist the other day. I try to be the ever helpful wife and circle any and all areas on his back that may be of concern. Not only does my husband return with the name of every friggin spot labeled on his backside, I get to hear how she retorted 'is she joking?' on one of them I had circled.

OK, first of all, I am not a dermatologist. I do not watch dermatologist shows. I do not google about dark moles, pinkish spots, oblong spots, or any other kind of skin condition. I have a life. I have things I have to concentrate on. And geez.... I circled the f'n things first thing in the AM - give me an F'N break.

And you know what? I think next year, I am gonna circle *hundreds* of spots. I am gonna draw in some spots. I gonna write on his back what I think of her and *then* see what she says.

Yes, I am so brave when I am not the one who is going in there lol

And thats not all thats been a pain in the a$$ lately. I want to go to Germany next year after I graduate from college. I find the application online for a passport. I notice both my husband and I need to get pictures taken. We went to our local post office and they were not taking pictures that day. We went again, and they were not taking pictures until an hour later. And of course, we are too busy to go later, soo....

We go another day to do so. We wait for the gal to take our pix for quite awhile, but it does get done. I manage not to take the ugliest picture of myself, so I was pleased. A couple of weeks pass and then we go back with the applications, birth certificates, etc we need to file for a passport. We are told again to come back later. We actually are able to come back later and then are told they are not doing passports that day, why dont we try another post office?

REALLY? I truly know what they mean now by going 'postal'. Thanks for wasting my time ya know?

Another 2 weeks go by and we head off to a different post office. They are doing passports, and there is just one family before us getting their paperwork done. The lady behind the counter seemed to really think she found her long lost friend in the wife, tho, and was chatting about everything under the sun. She managed to contain herself after a bit and finally finishes up with them and then it was our turn.

Our turn to find out that my passport picture is 'too big' for the application. Even tho we went to a post office that should have f'n known how big to make them. The applications were double sided that I filled out, and that is a 'no-no' too. So we refill the paperwork, and I get my picture retaken - so now I look like I have a double chin in my picture cuz she had me tilt my head down. Or maybe I *do* have a double chin, it certainly made me feel fat the rest of the f'n day =/ I think my husband had to try to assure me I wasnt about 20 times after that. And to assure me that lipo is not the answer lol

So I *think* I have a passport being processed now. Am sure they will get it and decide the application should have been written in blue ink instead of black or something, tho *sigh*

K, thats all the griping I got for y'all right now lol

Me versus Spider

2010-10-07T19:38:00.002-05:00

What is wrong with waking up in the morning, simply getting into the shower and turning on the water and gradually waking up for the day? What is so wrong with expecting that no living creature would *want* to be in your shower considering you *just* cleaned it with enough chemicals a few days before that would kill even you? What is so friggin’ wrong with a spider realizing he/she should NOT be in YOUR shower and either scampering far, far away or making its death quick so you can go ahead with your shower in an uneventful manner?

I guess that really too much of me to ask – or at least, this morning it was – so needless to say, my day was not off to a good start =/ My morning consisted of this:

• Open shower and lean inside to turn on the shower and find out that a spider is slowly swinging its way down on its web towards myself. I refuse to believe spider is trying to be my friend, and hurriedly turn on shower head.

• Spider starts getting wet. However, this is a James Bond sorta spider who defeats the extreme force of water being sprayed at it with one quick movement up. Spider is on the back shower wall in a matter of seconds, inching his last few remaining steps up out of harms way.

• I exclaim WTF?! and do my best to direct the water from the shower head towards the spider on the wall. Spider put on his James Bond wet suit with built in turbo pack and, despite a brief second of inching down the wall from the water, again friggin defeats the force of water and inches his way up the wall.

• I exclaim WTF again and take one of my shampoo bottles to swipe at it. Spider puts on invisible force shield and simply slides down the wall behind the other bottles of stuff found in my shower, which infuriates me further. And yes, I do say a few more choice cuss words…

• I am determined to make this spider go away, even though the thought of it even remotely touching me makes me want to run screaming/crying out of the bathroom. One by one, I start grabbing the bottles of products lining my shelf on the wall the spider is on. As the fourth bottle is removed, I finally see the spider and take the 4th bottle and wildly swing it at the spider, sending it to a corner of the shower’s floor.

• Spider realizes its invisible force shield is not working and puts on its wet suit again, but the water diffuses the turbo feature and he start to slowly inch towards the shower drain from the force of the water. However, not willing to give up that easily, spider manages to push himself slowly away from the drain (cuz, yeah, like all F’N spiders have a F’N gym somewhere they work out to build up their 8 leg muscles to escape perilous water deaths).

• Proving he is not just ANY spider, he manages to get right back to the corner he was in. Super furious at this point, I take the bottle and swing at the spider again. And miss… I swing again and knock said spider unconscious. Unable to contain myself with my newfound ability to seriously maim the spider, I hit him again with the bottle and he appears to give up.

• Not trusting this spider, I manage to spray enuf water to get him moving towards the drain. As I watched him get closer, I *swear* I saw a leg move. Despite him finally moving down the drain, I spent the rest of my time in the shower convinced he would slowly swing one of his powerful legs over the drain and inch himself out of there to attack me.

So yeah, my morning did not go well – how about you all? lol

Preparation H

2010-09-20T21:08:00.006-05:00

Sometimes you pay the price of being too vain. Sometimes you really should just accept the fact that you may have a few freckles, some wrinkles where they didn't used to be and dark, poofy circles under your eyes. You should just simply celebrate the fact that your face marks where you have been, the things you have been through and indicates that you are confident enough to go around everyday life with them like they were the most ordinary, normal things to have.

However, that is not me. That will never be me - and I will always try to find way to 'improve' myself. BUT, sometimes in doing so, I end up doing REALLY stupid stuff.

I am a fan of Sandra Bullock, but I am not sure I will blindly follow in her footsteps next time when she mentions a beauty tip of hers. Perhaps I might do a little more research. Perhaps I might just sit and think about it for a bit, and realize that maybe, just MAYBE it isn't something I should go out and do.

Case in point: Putting Preparation H under my eyes to alleviate any 'poofy', dark under eye circles. I have been slathering that stuff on like it was baby lotion , ignoring the fact that it makes my eyes water, that it burns if it gets near my eyes or that I seem to break out with pimples like a teenage girl exactly in the area I slathered it on the night before.

And then the day came that my husband and I were enjoying a pleasant morning at Barnes & Noble reading magazines and eating breakfast, where I realized the stupidity of my actions by reading one little snippet of information.

" Preparation H Ointment depuffs eyes: True or False:
True.... but not the one sold in this country. 'Only the Canadian version has BioDyne, the ingredient that reduces puffiness. It was removed from the U.S. formula years ago.' says Dr. Woolery-Lloyd. So don't put it anywhere except your you-know-what!"

Need I say more? *sigh*

#14

2010-08-07T22:59:00.004-05:00

Well y'all, we made it to our first stop of our Sturgis Harley Rally trip. Wasn't sure I was gonna - wouldve been easy to just poke me and have me fall off the bike lol But anywhooo - there seemed to be a theme of the #14, such as:

14 - Items on my body: 2 socks, 2 shoes, a tattoo (old one, not one gotten for this occasion lol), jeans, undies, tank top, bra, sunglasses, 2 rings, helmet and ponytail holder =)

14 - Times I looked at my hands during the ride thinking they didn't look 'quite right'

14 - Times I pouted when I found out that our stop was not in Sioux City, but Sioux Falls.

14 - Trucks/Vans pulling trailers with their bikes loaded inside *SIGH*

14 - Life sized dolls at a gas station/truck stop's glass case staring at me as I was sitting on the bench across from them while husband went to use the restroom.

14 - Times I reminded myself why I married my husband (nahh, not really - sounded good tho right? lol)

All in all, its been a decent trip so far - couldve done without the sunburn I have, and the sign advertising for a Mexican place called Senor Weiner, and the construction, and well.....

Someone needs to invent time travel damnit lol

A Plan

2010-07-23T13:21:00.005-05:00

Once upon a time, not so very long ago, a husband and wife arrive home. The wife decides to get her husband's attention by remaining in the vehicle – since they had previously disagreed on a particular subject matter. Despite her husband staring intently through the window at her, and her husband's audible sigh and obvious roll of the eyes, she stays in the vehicle determined to get her husband's attention. However, husband decides that the need to use the bathroom facilities indoors outweighs figuring out what is going on with his wife - and he heads indoors.

Wife thinks that she will stay put. She has a point to make with her husband and will not be deterred in doing so. However, she soon realizes how foolish this is when 5 minutes go by and she is still sitting in the vehicle with its windows rolled up and the sun blazing hot outside - making the temperature at least in the upper 90s.

Wife begins to rethink her strategy. She wants to do something that will impact her husband and make her happy at the same time. As the sun continues to heat up the inside of the vehicle, her sun-baked brain suddenly decides that she must scare her husband.

With that decided, she exits the vehicle and walks towards the garage door that leads into the house. She thinks to herself that it will be any time now that he will exit said door and come to find her. She will then scare him by being right by the door by screaming as loud as she could. She sits and waits, amazed at what a genius plan she has concocted.

Minutes tick by and her husband does not exit the door. In fact, she does not hear much at all coming from inside the house as she presses her ear to the door. Not to mention, she soon finds out that standing in the garage in the heat is not much better than sitting in an enclosed vehicle. Yet, she is still determined to bring her plan to fruition, so she carefully begins to creep around the side of the house and opens the fence door and proceeds to shut it as quietly as possible. It CLANKS shut and she freezes. She waits, and then creeps to the back sliding door/deck area in order to sneak inside the house undetected.

She slowly places her foot on the first deck steps and the two dogs inside start barking wildly. She races up to the sliding door and glares at the dogs, with her finger to her lips and a slight ‘shhh’ coming out her mouth. Whether the dogs realize she is pissed, whether they thought it was a game, or whether they were faintly amused, the wife could not tell. All she knew is that she was relieved that they immediately hushed…

She opens the door and is inside the kitchen with the dogs, who began pummeling her with excited greetings. She pats them on their heads and soon figures out her husband is in the upstairs bathroom. Therefore, she creeps slowly upstairs, stopping every so often when the stairs make a ‘popping’ noise. She stealthily tiptoes down the hall to the bathroom door and decides that waiting outside the bathroom has been done before, and so she will go hide in her office while she waits to scare her husband.

Almost as soon as she gets there, she hears the toilet flush and realizes she will be seen if she does not find somewhere to hide. In the instant that her husband steps out of the bathroom, she steps into her closet and stands on her sewing machine chair with the doors still slightly ajar to block any immediate sighting of her if her husband decided to peek into her office looking for her.

“Lisssaaaa…….”

“LISAAAA…”

The wife tries to contain a giggle as she still stands in her closet. She hears a door close, and footsteps and she decides the coast is clear to sneak back down the hallway to their bedroom and hide there instead to scare him. She starts down the hallway…..

The floor makes its ‘popping’ noise again and she stops. And waits….

She starts again, and she soon hears another popping sound. She realizes it’s her knees that are now popping and starts getting grumpy at herself for being so loud. However, not to be deterred, she moves again. Two more steps, and her stomach gurgles loudly.

Wife sighs and wonders to herself if she should just give up, but decides against it and presses on. Two more steps, and…

SOMEONE utters her name! The terrified wife lets out a scream that could be heard several blocks away in their peaceful suburban neighborhood.

She then sees her husband in the bedroom. On the bed.

Laughing.

The End.

A Friend

2010-07-10T09:41:00.003-05:00

Sometimes you make friends in the most unlikely situations......

The other night I was laying in bed, surfing the web with my laptop when I heard a 'buzz-ing' sound. This sound was awfully like a June Bug sound, and sure enuf, it *was* a June Bug. It was flying around our master bathroom, and had most likely found its way all the way upstairs by our young pup who has found June Bugs to be a delicacy. The only problem is that not all June Bugs find their way into Miss Sadie's stomach =) So occasionally, they will be flying around downstairs....

This was the first time that we had one upstairs, and needless to say, I am really afraid of June Bugs. They are just..... well, they just freak me out, ok? lol

Anyway! I wasn't ready and/or capable of taking care of capturing this June Bug, and my husband had decided to call it a night already and was snoring away. Altho, I did wake him up when I toppled out of bed and quickly shut the bathroom door to trap the June Bug IN the bathroom. I was not ready to deal with waking up with a June Bug sitting on the pillow next to me the next AM, wishing me a 'good morning' thank you very much! BUT not even 10 minutes afterwords, the June Bug was flying around the bedroom.

*SIGH*

So what do I do? Not a d*mn thing lol Sometimes being tired is a wonderful thing, it makes things like dealing with June Bugs not quite that important =)

I wake up the next morning and start getting ready for work. I shower - cuz I am considerate like that and don't wanna gross out my work peeps lol - look up towards the showerhead and see a JUNE BUG.

WTF? This June Bug has an unnatural obsession with me I swear. It just sat there and watched me. And no, I am not paranoid. It did just sit there. AND WATCH ME. I feel violated.

But ok....whatever.... I don't have time to deal with you June Bug, I am gonna go to work. So off I go, work thru my lunch hour to head to a DR appt and get home. Later, I start working on a college class assignment in my office upstairs and all of the sudden something (ie June Bug) buzzes by my friggin' head *uggh* It lands on the side of my desk and sits there....

And watches me...

Ya know, its nice and all that this June Bug is so obsessed with me, that it finds me its 'friend', but I have no room in my life for friends like that lol Or maybe I am just 'full of myself' and it just knew I was its only way out of the house with the dachshund who finds it to be quite tastey. Regardless, I started to try to overcome my fear and scoop him up on a piece of paper. I then walk all the way downstairs, open the front door, shake the paper and shut the door quick.

So right now I might have a June Bug out there who is indebted to me forever, or I shook the paper too hard and it fell to the ground, got a concussion and died.

I prefer to think I made a friend who is indebted to me forever myself lol

An Angry Post

2010-06-29T13:10:00.004-05:00

Ya know, its amazing that when I woke up this AM, I didn't roll over and fall out of bed, break my arm and be taken to the hospital. Not to say that I have bene uncoordinated today...

No, wait.... yes, I have been. But Ialso think its just a matter of being *my* unlucky day. Its one of those days when I can just sit in my chair at my desk at work - not move, not do anything - but breathe. And that would miraculously cause something to happen around me or TO me.

And you know when you tell someone about your day and they don't quite believe you? Or maybe you are partly telling them the truth, but exaggerating the rest?

Yeah, that's me. My day *can* (and often will be) something you won't believe, something that only happens in the movies. Or people with incredible crappy luck. Like F'N me.

I filed away a bunch of files this AM and managed to get halfway thru when I hit my my knuckle on one of my fingers HARD. I remind myself I am at work and not to cuss. I remind myself that this particular finger was all messed up anyway. I then look down and see I have a cut thats bleeding on it, but neveryoumind - thats what bandaids are for right? I managed to get one put on and finish filing, go back to my desk to grab one of the many files *still* left there and cut my SAME finger on one of the files.

I was unable to remind myself I was at work before I cussed by the way...

I put another bandaid on, which being on the tip of my finger this time, made it a bit awkward to type, but thought I should leave it on awhile. I manage to get thru an hour before I cut my pinky finger on another F'N file.

Yes, I know its just a paper/cardboard cut. But seriously? 3 cuts all on one hand in one friggin morning? Why the f*ck does this always happen to me?

BUT.... its almost lunch time..... I will go to lunch, get something in my stomach, visit with my husband and everything will fix itself. I expect sympathy from my husband when I relate my story and show him my hand, but he laughs. And he laughs even harder when I start eating my honey mustard chicken snack wrap from McDonalds and the honey mustard drops onto my shirt. Will I let that deter me from trying to get in a better frame of mind? Heck no....

You admire the determination I have? The persistence? The ability I have to still try to be optimistic don't you? Yeah, well.... things still managed to be f*cked up, as not even a minute later I drop honey mustard on my shirt AGAIN and have yet to be able to get it off. It looks like F'N puke. Cuz apparantly honey mustard has particles in it that love to cling to my shirt. And nevermind the fact that its F'N yellow... ishh....

Yeah, lunch hour needed to be over. This day needs to be over. But as I was picking up my purse and getting ready to get out of the passenger seat of my husband's car, my work badge grabs to the seat and as my husband says 'WAIT', I manage to yank and tear off the clip from the badge. Its in two pieces now. Its in 2 F'N PIECES....

*sigh*

Stoopid is as Stoopid Does

2010-06-25T00:24:00.004-05:00

It's been awhile since I have blogged huh? I will try remedy that from now on - tho, I do wish I could say this time away from bloggin has made me older and wiser, but apparantly its only made me older. Which I guess is good for all you readers out there (well, some of you anyway lol), but it certainly perplexes me why things have to be so darn hard for me....

Physically and emotionally, I have been somewhat of a mess lately. My husband felt sorry for me the other night when I complained of having a headache for a week straight and donated a painkiller of his to alleve my pain. In addition, after also whining about cold sores in my mouth, he gave me pills that help numb/help 'em mend a bit better.

Yep. My husband is where I go to for all my prescription needs. Needless to say, the poor guy is even more messed up than I am. But anyyway.... we will feel sorry for him another day, this blog post is dedicated to feeling for myself. SO there lol

So after a night of doping myself out with my husband's drugs, the next morning was a bit of a hassle. I woke up somewhat late, and put on the first reasonable outfit I could come up with and headed out the door. I was a bit frustrated with my pointey toed boots being scuffed up, but thought they were the only thing that looked decent with the pants I was wearing. And the pants? Well, after a trip to the restroom, I find out that one of the back pockets is tearing and you could basically see my err.... butt.

Yeah, I know. I can be super classey =)

ANYWAY! Needless to say, between having my pants ripping and my feet sore from the boots (not to mention I found out that we could wear jeans), I decided to go on an early lunch to Wal-Mart. I asked one of my coworkers where the closest Wal-Mart is at, and she told me about the one in Roeland Park that was only 5 minutes away. And other than questioning the GPS's knowledge of the roads, I arrived there in about 7 minutes ready to do one of the fastest shopping trips of my life.

Except most signs were in Spanish. Most of the store was arranged different. And there really was not much clothing to pick from. They did seem to really like Miley Cyrus at this Wal-Mart, and I have to say, I did find a cute shirt of hers that I *almost* bought. BUT, its a friggin Miley Cyrus shirt and I am almost 36 years old and I thought that me wearing it would just be plain odd.

AND it was a friggin Miley Cyrus shirt....

So needless to say, I found another shirt that was plaid and somewhat similar to Miley's, some new jeans, shoes and socks. I then clomped thru the store to pick out a microwave dinner for lunch, headed to checkout, paid and left.

Return trip and rest of the work day went by fairly uneventfully, and then I was headed out to a dentist appointment where I was sprayed at least 6 times with the water tube that 'swooshes out all that nasty gritty stuff' (dental assistant's words, not mine) of my mouth. I dried off and headed for home with my pearley whites...

And how do you know when your husband thinks your shirt is flattering on you? Well, its certainly not when he greets you with the theme song to the 'Beverly Hillbillies' - thats for sure! In addition, once I was standing in front of him, he unbuttons my last 3 buttons and tied it up just like whats her name on the show. Then, to make matters worse, he asks:

"Why didn't you just go to Target? There is one just 2 minutes away from where you work"

I spend a little while argueing with him on it, until he looks it up and it suddenly dawns on me that there IS a Target that is closer than the Wal-Mart was to work...

Needless to say, I had to tell my coworker I had a bone to pick with her the next day lol I swear she doesn't like me =)

A List

2010-04-25T23:36:00.008-05:00

Over the past couple of weeks, just when things seem to be going smoothly, there has always been *something* that makes it more difficult. So, here is my list you 'know when its things are not gonna go your way when":

1) You do your homwork while in Vegas on a SATURDAY morning in your hotel room (when most people should be hungover from the night before), and hear endless sounds - maids being overly energetic in their cleaning in the rooms next to you (specially the bathrooms btw), kids - yes F'N kids in Vegas! screaming down the hallway, an ambulance for a whole 5 minutes, a car siren for 5 minutes, a fire truck siren for another 5 minutes.....and repeat.....

Husband returns, noises continue for another 20 minutes, and then....SILENCE...

And then you hear a train's horn HONK!!! as it makes its way thru Vegas..

You look up. You sigh. And say - REALLY?? A train??? IN VEGGASS???

2) You are in a movie theatre with your husband to see the move 'The Losers'. You successfully hide the fact that you have the hots for the lead actor, get snacks and settle in a bit early to watch the movie. You are bored, however.....and soon you tink it would be funny if you threw a piece of your popcorn at your husband. You successfully do so - but then husband retaliates by throwing an peanut M&M at you and hitting you in the head. HARD.

You pout. BUT you do not let this phase you in the least... you soon decide to throw 2 pieces of popcorn at your husband. Husband reaches in the bag of popcorn and you flinch. You then open your eyes when you feel something IN your blouse. IN your bra. With eyes opened, you realize its a BUNCH of popcorn crumbled up in your bra. And then you have to proceed to 'dig' it out...

3) You and husband go to Best Buy to get yourself something that will track your calories/miles since you have now become a lil more ...err...FIT. First Best Buy does not have them - they are too small of a store. But this is not found out until you and husband have walked around the whole friggin store. And, since you are not in a good mood before you enter the store, this does not help your mood as you leave the store...

You get in the car with the husband and head out of town to another Best Buy in a bigger city and continue your bad mood. You are almost out of the city when you see an Orscheln's sign advertising 'CHICK DAYS' and you suddenly ask husband to turn around and go back to Orschelns. He remains confused/amused, and becomes even more amused when you tell him you want to hold a baby chick so it will help 'improve your mood'. However, he *does* turn around...

AND, you do hold a baby chick......well, more like an adolescent chick cuz the baby chick pecked at your hand when you went...AWWW....and tried to reach in... but anywayy...

You leave Orschelns and your husband think it would be appropriate to now begin to quiz you if you like Rhode Island Reds, New Hampshire Reds, Hollands, or.....

Yes, folks.... that is my week in review....

Jesco White

2010-03-06T22:28:00.007-06:00

The other night - after watching the movie 'Time Traveler's Wife' - my husband was gonna try and pick us a 'feel good' movie. 'Cuz, despite the 'Time Traveler's Wife' being fairly decent, it was also fairly depressing - and not a great way to end your Thursday night. Soo... what movie does my husband pick?

"White Lightening"

In his defense, I do not *think* (he can look incredibly innocent of all charges at times), he knew the movie was:

#1 About Jesco White - whom has not reportedly held a fairytale life
#2 That the movie would be the most disturbing movie we have probably have watched thus far

Well, anyway! Suffice it to say the dude was *incredibly* redneck thoughout the movie - and I was SO affected by this movie (and not in a 'omg, this is like, ya know - the MOST incredible movie everrrrr sorta way) that I woke up the next morning tossing and turning due to nightmares cuz of it and only really remembering one line out of the whole movie:

"She's messin' with my headdddd..... my headdd....."

Yeah, I know - incredibly sad isnt it? lol

Well, needless to say, my husband went to work the next day recommending that the work peeps should watch this movie as well. I wish I could say that he truly likes the movie and wanted someone to be able to pass their 1.5 hours in a 'wow - this is the bestest movie everrr' fashion. But (and this was *before* we watched this disturbed movie), my husband is quite sick in da head himself lol

However, I have also had to pay the price of watching this movie by being dubbed 'Joda Mae' and having my husband wake up two - yes, I repeat, TWOOOOOO - friggin mornings in a row calling me that in his most redneck voice he can muster lol

So what's my answer? If you are unable to beat them - join them.

So thats what I have been doing lol He 'lipped off' and called me Joda Mae this morning and I retorted:

"Shut your mouth, and shave your sister!"

To which he replied:

"Well, thats just nasty."

To which I said:

"Its *just* hair"

Uh huh..... I know. Thats sick. And sad. And twisted. And all sorts of really sad and twisted sorta sh*t lol

So anyway! I need help y'all! My husband has given me a redneck-ish sorta name (Joda Mae). Now I need help giving him one! So watcha y'all think? Clayton? Cletus? Plain ole Jim Bob? Spill da beanz! I wanna hear your opinions/thoughts =)

So like.....

2010-02-24T21:18:00.003-06:00

.... my husband and I, were like, at CVS tonite ya know? And, like, we thought (after a couple of margaritas) that we needed to look for some baseball caps. Which is like, another story... but, like anyway...

We find some baseball caps and walk on up to the register ya know? To, like, get a price check on them? Cuz we sure as heck didnt wanna spend a bunch of money on baseball caps that.... well....for time's sake....had a purpose, but we didnt need FANCY hats for gawdsake...

So anywhoo....

We wait at the register patiently, and when up there, my husband states he needs to know how much the caps are. The register dude, ya know, like rings 'em up and all? And lo and behold, they are like, 15 friggin bucks a PIECE duuddeee!!

Husband exclaims "15 F'N bucks? No F'N way I am paying THAT much for baseball caps!!"

Husband then turns around to return them, and while he is there, I decide I need some gloves. I tell my husband that they are 3 bucks, but am still, like....second guessing myself ya know?

So as we are standing in the line AGAIN, I turn around and guess what I found?

A PRICE SCANNER.

Duuudde...

Off I go to check the price. I scan the bar code. Nothing. I scan it again. NOTHING. I turn around and look at my husband and laugh. Customer in front of us ironically wants to have the construction board his 10 year old girl is holding scanned for a price check.

Like F'N really dude? Do you like, NOT see me here trying to scan a bar code on a pair of gloves at a price scanner you sick bastard? lol

Well, anywhoo...

The price scanner finally tells me the price of my gloves. I giggle with my silly accomplishment and take my place back in line with my husband. Dude ahead of us gets his construction board scanned for price at the same time, and he is like:

'WHHAAA?? How much??"

So off he goes with his 10 year old to return it as we pay for our 3 dollar gloves @ the checkout counter who looks disturbingly like Bobby on 'King of the Hill'.

So, ummm... like, does anyone else find it funny that there is so many cheap a$$ peeps at CVS? lol I dare y'all to go in small groups to CVS next time and have multiple items price checked, exclaim WTF and return them hehe

The Float

2010-02-17T12:03:00.005-06:00

Sometimes you think something is a good idea - and you truly have the best of intentions - but it just never *quite* works out the way you had envisioned. Case in point - my husband and I's recent 'Float' experience.

There is a place here in KC area that has an enclosed area that has 10-12 inches of 'mineral-rich' water in it that keeps you afloat. That's all - you simply lay there for an hour and float in the water. The Spa proudly claims this as the first of its kind in North America, and judging from my husband and I's experience, it will soon be 'dead as a dodo'. Except, with the DoDo, at least they had some sort of purpose......altho, to be fair, am sure the 'Float' amuses all at the Spa - the sick b-terds lol

Anyway! My husband and I get there a bit early and get shown the locker/shower areas and the whirlpool area, and used the latter while waiting for our 'Float' experience. Once we were in the 'Float' area and left alone, we both got in to begin our relaxing experience. To my husband's credit, he did *try* to relax more than me - as for me, the whole time I find it amazingly funny.

Uhh, yup - funny lol I began to ask how we were supposed to float in the water, as I laid down in the salty-ish water and found that I did indeed float. Impressive? Kinda. Funny? Outrageously funny! For me anyway =) I immediately snorted with suppressed laughter, then just LOST it. I laughed and it somewhat echoed in the enclosed area, which made me laugh more. I then heard my husband sigh, and decided I better try to behave myself so that someone can benefit from this experience.

However, it went downhill from there.......granted, I did manage to go at least 10-15 minutes without laughing again. But during this time, I found the one main light in the area disconcerting and closed my eyes, but got bored and opened one eye - closed it - opened the other eye - closed it. I then floated myself over to my husband and touched him, which with another sigh, he pushed me away. I laid there, took a deep breath and tried *not* to be antsy. I thought what was the most 'serene' pose I could put myself in - and decided that I would lay there with my hands crossed on my chest. BUT, then I found that kinda silly, so I put one arm down to the side, then the other - and then thought that move was incredibly like the macarena dance. And, yes... I lost it....

I snorted, and laughed again lol

Needless to say, neither of us quite made it to the full hour. And, needless to say, I dont think either of us will be going back =)

A Trip to Florida

2010-01-28T22:51:00.003-06:00

One slightly rainy morning a 30 something gal showered, got out her clothes to wear for the day and any and all toiletries that would be necessary for her to complete her morning ritual. Since this gal had flown from Kansas to Florida the previous day, she had decided that since the airlines were being rather strict on their rules of how much liquids and such a person can carry on the plane, she had a moment of genius and tore out many samples of perfume from her 'People' magazines she found laying around her office.

Still rather pleased with herself about her foresight, she took out one of these perfume page samples. Wrapped in a towel, hair wet from the shower she just took, she started rubbing the paper up and down her arms, on her neck and even on her hair for good measure. However, she noticed she was not smelling it very well, which was slightly disappointing considering the effort she put into making sure it was on her.

The gal takes the magazine sample and sniffs it, but yet..... she can barely smell anything. She sniffs again .....but still nothing. She decides that maybe she used it already and looks at the name of the perfume on the page of the magazine. The page read:

"The Fragrance Collection: by Glade" - indulge a little with Jasmine & Wild Orchid reed diffuser, three-rich soy-based candle and mini candle. Available wherever Glade products are sold.

Shopping Sux

2009-12-19T15:41:00.004-06:00

I am not the typical girl I guess - I generally *hate* shopping. Unless I can do it online anyway, where I can be away from the crowds and the salespeople. However, there are times when you just are not able to get around it - you have to go to the store. Generally, I wait for when my husband is with me, as at least I can count on him to push our way thru the throngs of people we encounter and/or annoy us.

But that was not the case the other day when we had to go to Hobby Lobby for a few things - one of which was candles. Believe me, when you have dogs, its typically a good idea to get candles to burn - tho, it is kinda dangerous when you have someone like me who burns a candle for hours on end or just forgets she lit a candle to begin with.

But anywhooo..... thats a different story....

We were in the one of the candle aisles and about to turn and go down another when an old lady slowly appeared out of nowhere and stopped at the end of the aisle. She stands there a few minutes just staring at the vast array of candles. She then slowly bends and picks up a candle. She looks at it. She looks at it some more. She decides to sniff the candle. She looks at the candle some more. She decides candle is not worthy of her attention finally and slowly returns it to its original spot. She stares at the other candles again....

All this time, my husband and I are standing behind her, watching and waiting - as she apparantly was oblivious she was in our way. I look over at my husband and roll my eyes and sigh. My husband makes a face and I am close to laughing when the lady decides to move a few more inches - which is *just* enuf for us to get by and get to the other candle aisle.

Relieved, I started going thru the older lady's motions - grab, sniff, place candle back, grab, sniff - only at a much faster pace. I only get thru 2 candles, however, when I look down the aisle and there was the old lady again.

Seriously? How the heck did *that* happen? Did she just leave the house that day thinking how she was gonna mess with people, cuz she was bored and all? Or maybe one of the candles was invigorating, and gave her a sudden burst of energy to move that quickly - as she sure as heck didnt have that energy before.

Guess I will just buy my candles online next time, sniff them at home and return them if I dont like them in order to avoid dealing with older gals like her lol

Biometric Screenings

2009-11-17T13:19:00.000-06:00

I am thinking that I need to quit participating in the Biometric screenings the company I work for has every year. Every year, it never goes well in some way or the other. Last year, I ended up running back to get my Blue Cross/Blue Shield insurance card, only to have them tell me it wasn’t needed and have my pulse rate skyrocket to 90 +. And this year?

I got congratulated on being pregnant with my first baby.

No – this is not a real baby. This is a way that the lady who is taking your measurements and weighing you tells you that you are fat.

And yes – I am grumpy about it lol

Everything was going according to plan when I got there. I had my insurance card, my work ID and was on time. I go to the first lady to get weighed, and then she takes my measurements. She then says:

“I see why you are a bit bigger than last year. Congratulations.”

I stood there, not knowing if I should embarrass her and tell her that no – I am just fat. Or to just let it go. Or to just go postal on her. So I did nothing, and went on to the next person in line to have them do the blood work.

But seriously? Doncha think she would know better than to assume something like that? I should have just asked her what her excuse was for being fat lol

OK – deep breaths Lisa. Let it go. Just let. IT. GO.

A Crappy Night

2009-11-04T23:07:00.003-06:00

'Something smells like dog poop', my husband says as soon as I get downstairs with my new Accounting tax book on our leather couch.

'Gee, thanks' I said. 'What a way to greet your wife.'

This, of course, does not phase my husband, who asks if I smell it. I do not - and I tell him so - so he goes back to surfing on his laptop. I start reading my Accounting book, stopping a couple of times to sarcastically remark how 'fascinating' Chapter One was - only to be ignored by my husband. Altho, suddenly I start smelling something a bit 'off', so I admitted to my husband that I was smelling it too now. However, after a quick look around, my husband does not see anything and we go back to what we were doing before. I notice my book smells a bit funny when we do so, and mention that it could be my book. My husband leans over and sniffs the book - and mentions that it *could* be, too. And then we went back to book reading and internet surfing yet again.

I turn on my side, sigh a couple of times and make one more 'fascinating' remark - when my husband grabs his laptop and says he has to move - the smell was too much for him. I declare that, 'well, fine! then I am too!' and sit up,get ready to get up and momentarily look down at the floor.

A floor with dog poop on it.

I get up and look at the couch.

There is dog poop on it.

I turn around to look at the back of my pants.

There is F'N dog poop smeared all over it.

I start yelling 'EWWWW' and hurrying upstairs to the shower, as my husband tells me that I need 'to go to my kennel'.

And, that, my folks, is what you call a crappy night lol

How to Trim Pesky Nose Hairs

2009-10-21T01:11:00.004-05:00

Apparently Dr. Jessica Wu from Hollywood has had someone tell her that I have a pesky nose hair problem, as I received an email from her today lol Oh yes, lovely spam email - never a day goes by that I am not annoyed or amused by you.

So anyway! I thought I would share this one with ya'all =) And insert a few comments here and there lol

Q: I met my fiancée's parents for the first time recently, and all was going well until I noticed my future mother-in-law staring at my nose. When I looked in the mirror, I saw that there was a huge hair protruding from my nostril — I was mortified! What's the best way to get rid of nose hairs, or at least make sure they're not visible to anyone else?

A: Stray nose hairs might embarrass you sometimes, but nasal hair does serve a purpose. It acts as a filter, keeping dust, pollution, and bacteria from passing through your nose and into your lungs.

If your nose hairs are crossing the line, here's what you can do to rein them in:
First, put your tweezers down! (Uhuh, yep - cuz like, EVERYONE thinks pulling their nose hairs with tweezers is not really painful at all, and thats the first thing they WANNA do) I know it seems like the quickest and most obvious solution, but bacteria like staph can grow inside your nostrils, and plucking can create an opening in your skin, allowing the bacteria to penetrate and spread. Several of my patients have gotten staph infections from tweezing their nose hairs, and I don't want that to happen to you. If you notice signs of infection, such as oozing (gross!), crusting (nasty!), pus (really gross!), redness (could be worse lol), or pain (err, ya mean your nose aint gonna like you ripping sumpin out of it? just sayin'...), make an appointment to see your doctor.

Instead of tweezing, trim rogue nose hairs with a clean pair of cuticle scissors. I recommend getting a second, separate pair for your nose because you could spread infection by using the same ones that you use on your cuticles.
When you start trimming, stick to the hairs that protrude outside your nose. Don't try to trim hairs that are too far back in your nostril or too close to the surface — you might pinch or stab your skin. To be on the safe side, consider getting a pair of Tweezerman's round-tip Facial Hair Scissors (www.tweezerman.com) <-- wow, friggin ORIGINAL website name =) and why is is tweezerMAN and now tweezerGAL? I mean, we ARE talking about a gal with probs with nose hairs after all!

Avoid battery-operated nasal hair trimmers with rotating blades. These tools can be difficult to hold still and they can tickle your nose (lol - but at least you arent in pain right?), making it harder for you to get the job done. They also tend to pull the hairs out, which can enable bacteria to enter your skin.

Finally, get in the habit of checking your nose hairs before going out (you betcha!! should I have my husband check my nose hairs too? just in case ya know....) — and make sure you grin when looking in the mirror because sometimes nasal hair only protrudes when you're smiling.

Electricity Out

2009-10-11T18:11:00.005-05:00

Here I sit at Ixtapa's Mexican Restaurant with my laptop, a margarita, some chips and some loud mouth people courtesy of our neighborhood having a transformer blow and leaving us with no electricity. Normally, a margarita would put me in a happy mood - but the loud mouth people are ruining things for me.

When we first arrived, we were only the second customer at the restuarant. And everything went really well at first - they put us near a power outlet for our laptops, set us up with the biggest margs they had, had wireless internet to connect to and changed the TV channel to the Nascar race for my husband. Maybe we didnt have electricity at our house, but darnit - things were looking up at Ixtapas.

Or rather, until the kid sitting behind us started to cry everytime she ate a chip. It wasnt a small cry - altho to her credit - it wasnt *quite* a wail either. But she sounded like someone just smacked her across the face - and the only reason she was crying because of the chip, was because it had 'rough' edges and it hurt going down. Was there a medical reason for her thinking it hurt? No......Was there a reason for the parents to act like she was the center of attention? No....But they all did anyway, and since I was sitting right behind them, I could hear every word, every cry, every sniffle...

EVERY single F'N sound....

Well, they did finally leave - which made me happy. However, they were replaced soon after by a a guy and gal (father/daughter). The daughter was old enuf to have a kid and was talking in a loud voice about how her kid told her last weekend that she had way too much to drink.

Let us reflect on this comment shall we? How F'N white trash do you have to be to make that comment? How bad is it that your KID has to tell you that you have had too much to drink? How bad is it that YOU have to talk loudly about it a Mexican restaurant when the person behind you is furiously typing on her laptop?

Needless to say, this sort of conversation continued the whole time they were behind us. The daughter mentions getting together with her friend later, the Dad makes a comment about how her friend is hot. Seriously? Its a good thing that I was done eating, because the conversation was getting a bit nauseating.

To make sure we remembered them, the Dad burped not once - but twice - as LOUD as possible and blames it on his daughter. They then finally get up and leave, as my husband and I look at each other. He was mildly amused - me? More extremely agitated.

Honestly, next time I guess I need to drink my margarita quicker. Either that, or burp louder lol

Dog Pee & Weirdness

2009-09-02T00:35:00.004-05:00

These last few days have been quite interesting - or maybe I have just had more time to notice it, since I have been fighting off the flu. Granted, this weekend was something that typically happens, but it seemed to be more than just the usual....

My youngest pup typically gets so excited when she sees me that she piddles a bit. This weekend was no exception - I greeted her and she got so excited she peed. I was expecting this, got the paper towel, cleaned it up and went to pick her up again. And for the 2nd time - she peed. Despite my flu-ish fuzzy brain, I was like *uggh* - really? But I got more paper towels and cleaned it up and looked at her and said:

'OK, gonna pick you up again - but if you pee again - I am gonna be grumpy'

To prove what a brave lil pup she is, she peed a 3rd time, and right ON my tennis shoes *sigh* OK, I think, she is *just* a pup, dont say anything - clean it up, pick her up again asap like its no big deal....

I do so - and she pees right on me!!!! I only have grabbed her around her front legs at this point, so I thought I better grab her back side to protect her back, as dachshunds are prone to back probs. My other hand reaches underneath her butt-side and is immediately wet.

Yes. You are right. She did what you think she did. I aint gonna say it. I am just gonna move on to the weirdness lol

I tried going in to work Monday - and I actually made it thru the work day - but my body was HURTING bad by the end of it =/ So I called in Tuesday - as I didnt wake up feeling incredibly better - and was pretty lazy for most of the day. I did get to the grocery store to get some stuff to grill and saw:

#1 A 4 person bike --> UH, why? I am not sure what the purpose is really of this. Are we too cheap to afford 4 seperate bikes? Do they realize everyone has to work together to operate a 4 person bike? And if that if they do realize that, what kinda family does that sorta thing? Like I told my husband, it just reminds me of a 'Leave it to Beaver' episode. Tho when I tried to imitate the lil boy on the show, he said I sounded like 'Butters' on South Park, but anywhooooo...

#2 There was a chalk outline of a person in front of the Hyvee entrance ---> OK, maybe I thought the 4 person bike was wrong - but this is seriously NOT something a grocery store would want in front of their store right? Just sayin...

#3 There was a very uncoordinated dude walking w/a brown paper sack by Hyvee --> Yup. Pretty darn sure the dude was drunk. On the bright side of things - it was not his chalk outline in front of the store.

#4 My husband & witness a conversation tween checkout lady and sack dude about an earthquake in KS --> Yeah, a friggin earthquake. Granted, there are probably some that happen on a LOT smaller scale in KS, but typically this is something that happens in say.....CA maybe?? And the really weird thng was that they were blaming this KS quake for being the demise of the Indian Springs Mall. Cuz I guess they havent read the latest paper that mentions that the economy aint doing so hot and that perhaps, just MAYBE, that could be the reason for it not being around anymore. Again, just sayin'....

One thing I can tell you for sure, I will not be going to Hyvee anymore to do my grocery shopping lol

What is Mine is Yours

2009-08-28T23:26:00.003-05:00

When I wash the dishes, I like to use Dawn - its always been my preference, and I always assumed it was safe from the hands of my husband. Altho, to be fair, my husband does his fair share of washing dishes. What isnt fair is that my Dawn dishsoap ends up in the garage to be used to clean the wheels of my Jeep. Granted, at least my husband is cleaning my Jeep's wheels, as I generally am not that 'detailed' with my Jeep. But to me, Dawn dishsoap has one purpose, and one purpose only:

TO CLEAN OUR DISHES

Needless to say, after my husband decided to use the Dawn, I felt the need to go replenish it ASAP. In my mind, after I got the Dawn, I would take the full bottle of Dawn and then give my husband the used bottle. Good compromise, eh? =) I sure as heck thought so lol However, after getting home from the store and we have put everything away, I went into the other room to relax. I walked back into the kitchen not long after and find my husband pouring my full bottle of Dawn into his bottle.

'Uhh, what da heck are you doing?' I ask.

'Filling up my bottle of soap', he replies - despite it being pretty darn obvious to both of us what exactly he was doing.

So I spaz out, exclaiming very loudly: 'What the f*ck? Are you kiddin'? Seriously? That was MINE - my very own bottle of soap. I couldn't have a non-molested bottle for my very own?'

So ummm....... he looked at me like I was crazy, which I actually felt fairly goofy having to lay 'claim' to my bottle of Dawn, but a girl has gotta do what she has gotta do ya know?

The next day brings a similar episode, which was brought up by mentioning a company truck of his that needing some serious cleaning. I had asked if he had cleaned it out yet, to which he replied:

'Yep - did it yesterday. Actually did it with your clorox wipes even!' as he smiled proudly.

Uhuh, yep - my clorox wipes lol I dunno, if I dont watch him, he is gonna start drinking out of my M&M cup I have. And that would be totally unacceptable =)

Vacation in Deadwood

2009-08-08T22:43:00.006-05:00

Ya know, vacation in Sturgis, SD almost every year in August is generally always something I look forward to - despite it being Harley Rally week. Altho, there are always places there that we make sure we go to that makes the trip worthwhile for me - which are Bear Country USA and Mostly Chocolates. The rest of the time, I *try* to be the ultimate biker chick, but usually fail miserably because I am somewhat of a priss. My husband loves to stay in a historic hotel in Deadwood, SD while we are there - and 'historic' generally means 'we have done as little renovation as possible in order to make a profit'. At least in Deadwood, SD this is true....

Last year we were in a fairly big room - altho the shower barely sprayed you clean, there was only one mirror which was forever fogged up even when someone wasnt showering (and you didnt really wanna know what that foggy film was, and hated to ask), and there was green plush carpet that looked like it had seen better days.

This year? Our new room's shower sprayed better, but the tub drained slowly instead. The mirror was newer, but the room was overall smaller. And the carpet was the same green plush found in the other room we had.

I could've reconciled myself with these things, but there is always that one thing more sent my way - just to test me. About 6 months ago, my husband and I went down to GA - I got to visit the zoo (which has pandas - my favorite animal), and my husband picked up a new Harley. On the way back, we stopped in Nashville to spend the night and went out to get something to eat, check out the sites when we got checked into the hotel. We ate, then headed to a nearby bar - and thats where we had a couple of 'celeb' encounters. We were sitting at the bar, and a guy decked out in the ultimate country outfit came in with his entourage of gals hanging all over him. Obviously used to the attention , and obviously loving the attention - and obviously bothered by the fact that despite him sitting right next to me at the bar, I turned my back on him and ignored him the whole time. He leaves, and the bartender gal informs us that he was John Rich from the country band, 'Big & Rich'.

And what does this have to do with the room you say? Most of the rooms at this hotel have a 'name' assigned to them. Last year's room was named 'Jan Winner' (publisher of Rolling Stone magazine), and this year's?

Yup. Big & Rich.

However, what is disturbing is that this room has a Queen size bed. So if both stay there....

Anyway, maybe I said too much lol

Ain't I Purty? =)

2009-07-30T23:31:00.012-05:00

It is nice to be in my own little world at times, I just don't think that some people really think its nice that I am lol

Not that long ago, my husband and I were returning a car he rented from Hertz. Therefore, that meant I needed to follow him to Hertz so that he will have a ride home. Not to mention, it was almost lunch time, so we figgered we would 'kill two birds with one stone' - as the saying goes.

We had to stop by the gas station that was close to Hertz, however, in order to fill up the gas tank before we returned the car. I decide that I need to put gas in my jeep as well, which my husband decides to just take care of - so I got to sit in my jeep and wait till the transactions were completed.

I soon heard a 'sh*t, gawda*nit*' come out of my husband's mouth, and realize that the gas machine was telling him he needs to go inside and get his receipt(s). So I soon occupy myself with messing with my phone a bit, and then fussin' with my hair - deciding I needed to braid it a bit to keep me from not being bored while waiting. Cuz really..... if you don't braid your hair for even a day or so, you may not be as capable at it when you do it the next time ya know? lol

However, the way I braid my hair is a bit 'out of the norm' - I tend to grab the hair that is more directly in front of me and therefore, when the braid is completed and I look up, well... my husband says it best. I look a bit like a unicorn - as it sticks straight up and doesnt look pretty at all.

So anyway! Thats what I was doing when my husband taps on the jeep's window - which doesnt phase him much, as he is used to seeing me do that sorta thing. Altho, when I open the jeep door to get the candy bar/pop he picked up while he was in there, he remarks:

'The gas station dude thinks you are odd'.

And to which I retort:

'Nuh uh!'

But then I look up as my husband makes his way to the car he was returning and see an old man at the pump, trying to get the machine to print a receipt. However, his hand was stopped in mid air and his mouth slightly open, and he was staring at me - staring at me like braiding my hair that way was the most ODD thing he ever saw. And he was STILL staring at me as we left.

Now all I have to say is this - surely he has seen worse things then a gal who braided her hair at an odd angle right? And despite the odd angle it was in, isnt he able to truly appreciate a good braid when he sees one? lol

Small Pond, Stupid People

2009-07-19T16:38:00.002-05:00

I have to gripe about this - it seriously has me peeved off right now, so if ya want a happy post, well..... this may not be it lol

Our subdivision has decided to have random spots in the subdivision area that have small ponds. And really, they are not even legit ponds - they are man-made - and therefore never were a part of the landscape. More like water reservoirs...... where they dig a fairly large size hole in the ground and fill it up with water and fish.

THATS not what I have a problem with - its the people that decide they are going to friggin FISH there. WTF is wrong with people? How classy does that look? Do they friggin think that the subdivision people put that pond - and those fish - there *just* for them to walk one block down from their house and catch the fish? Why dont they just get a pistol and shoot in the pond? Why even put the work into fishing if you are going to be that F'N lazy?

AND there are signs that say 'No fishing' - is there a special added fee these people pay to their homeowners association in order to fish there? I am thinking not -I dont remember it being offered to us anyway - but maybe we look/act classier than I thought lol

Was it Sumpin' I Said?

2009-07-15T01:03:00.004-05:00

Never a day goes by that I do not wish I did not say or do something. And its not because I am horribly outspoken, its mostly cuz I have horrid luck.

My husband and I were at our typical Mexican restaurant establishment the other day, having our more or less typical Mexican meal we tend to order. My husband was not in a talkative mood this night tho, so I felt the need to carry on a full-blown conversation with mostly myself. However, its funny when you know someone is finally paying attention to you - as I soon found out.

Not many people were in the restaurant, but some of the few that were there were right behind us in another booth. They seemed to be a rather 'proper/polite' family - somewhat reminding me of a 'Leave it to Beaver' episode. Kids ask questions only when they need to, and only in the most appropriate manner. Parents there setting the most 'wholesome' example they could by not saying any cuss words, not being rude, or raising their voices much.

I decide to start talking more to my husband, mentioning that I was talking about his daughter at work. I had been asked how old she was when we married, and I had mentioned that she still had the dress she wore at our wedding. I remarked that she is not able to wear the dress anymore, because she has 'teenage parts' now.

I go on to say how a gal at work laughed about me saying that, and retorted:

'They are called boobies Lisa'

Well, in telling this story to my husband, the last 'boobie' comment happened to be made quite loud and at the exact moment the family behind us had a lull in conversation.

Needless to say, that lull in conversation seemed like it lasted for an eternity. However, it just seemed like it, since my husband was pointing behind me and I was aware of my ....err.....error.

But seriously, didnt even the 'Leave it to Beaver' cast say 'boobies' at some point in the show? No? Well, what da heck were they called then? Or did they just pretend they were not there? lol

Letter to Me

2009-07-06T11:33:00.005-05:00

The other night my husband and I were watching the movie 'The Patriot', which has Heath Ledger and Mel Gibson in it. It was a typical night - one of those nights that we accomplished the eating dinner part and were sitting in front of the TV with our respective laptops surfin' the net and watching the TV. Trying to do my best in finding a show we would both like and not get the sighs and rolled eyes/glares that shows like 'Whose Wedding is it Anyway?' and 'Clean House' do - I ended up finding 'The Patriot' on TBS and settled in to watch it.

There is a part in the movie where Ledger goes off to war, but wants to write to Anne - the gal he is smitten with. Soon, you see Ledger sitting in a tent in his uniform writing one of the first letters to Anne. It talks about the war, but how he misses her and wants to see her also.

Not to let an opportunity pass me by, I sigh as loud as I can - which effectively gets my husband's attention. I then comment that I never get letters like that - and give yet another loud sigh.

My husband shakes his head and goes back to surfin the net - or so I thought. I soon get my Outlook notification saying I had an email. I open it and read:

Dear Lisa,

Thus far, the fight rages mercilessly. As long as we fight, our numbers will grow. It is my hope that my duties will bring me to your area. It is my hope that I will have the chance to write, and pray tell, see you soon.

Your obedient servant,

Scott A. XXXXXXXX, RCDD
Chief Operating Officer

XXXXX, Inc.

XXXXX Sante Fe Trail Drive
Suite XXX
XXXXXX, XX 77777

000-000-0000 direct
000-000-0000 office
000-000-0000 fax

Need I write more =)? Notice the work signature on the bottom? He was doing SO well up until the end lol

Friggin' Costco

2009-06-16T23:14:00.005-05:00

OK, I *thought* I would be able to not let this bother me - I am going for the 'new' me - the one that doesnt obsess over little things such as this. BUT....

Every F'N time I pull out my brand spankin new Costco card, the picture of me on the card makes me wanna make a special trip BACK to Costco - NOT to buy anything with the F'N card, just to get a better F'N picture of me on the card.

I have told myself that I will rarely use the card, so therefore I will not use the card much and not see the stoooopid picture of me plastered on it. I have told myself that even if I see the Costco card, it will just make me laugh and put it back in my purse without a care - without it bothering me that my picture is friggin odd.

Yes, its not that I particularly *look* bad - so to speak. Its just that I look like I F'N have fangs in the picture - I seriously should just go to Hollywood and hand them my F'N Costco card so that I can land a part on 'True Blood' and/or the 'Twilight' movies/shows.

I went there with my husband with my hair back in a ponytail, not ready to have a picture taken of me - cuz, seriously? Arent we grownup enuf now to not have to have our friggin picture on a Costco card? How about a thumbprint? How about nothing at all? How about making a gal feel like she looks 'normal' even when she comes to Costco in sloppy clothes and her hair pulled back in a ponytail?

Honestly, is it so much to ask?

OK, so I am bitter about the whole experience lol

Aggressive or Mean?

2009-06-01T21:39:00.002-05:00

Back on 5/27, I decided to check weather.com for the latest ....umm......estimated....weather forecast =) When I did so, I scanned ahead to see what the weather was supposed to be like in the next 10 days. On 6/2, it gave a link that said 'handling mean drivers'.

I had to stop and laugh at this, as it just sounds childish. Mean? Egads..... not all drivers who do not drive just like you are 'mean'. Some are just plain stoopid. Others are really trying their hardest, but never seem to grasp the simple concept of driving (ie. staying between the lines, staying in the slow lane if you are going the speed limit or slower, etc). And others? Others just feel like all the pavement out there is a 'racetrack' made especially for them (like....*cough*...my husband).

Anyway, regardless of how lame sounding a link it might have been, it *did* grab my attention and make me click on the link to find out more. The below is what I found - but I thought I would add some extra comments to it as well lol

How to deal with aggressive drivers:

Common aggressive driving behaviors
Running stop signs and red lights <<--- umm, could just be in a hurry doncha think? I have done it actually, does that make ME aggressive? lol
Speeding, tailgating, and weaving between lanes
Passing on the right of a vehicle
Making inappropriate hand and facial gestures <<-- LOL, serious? define inappropriate? what if the person knew sign language and you didnt? would that be defined as inappropriate? should you not be able to sign as well as text when you drive?
Screaming, honking the horn, and flashing headlights <<-- heck, I have screamed - I admit it. But the windows are rolled up and no one hears me, so who da heck does it bother? lol

If you are confronted by an aggressive driver, or witness aggressive driving behavior, follow these guidelines:
Make every attempt to safely move out of the aggressive driver's way.
Do not challenge an aggressive driver by speeding up or attempting to "hold your own" in the travel lane. <<-- Uh huh. Yeah. Sure.
Always wear your seat belt -- not only will it hold you in your seat and behind the wheel in case you need to make an abrupt driving maneuver, but it will also protect you in a crash. <<-- I actually agree with this, seatbelts are friggin AWESOME. They may seem like a pain to remember to use, but REALLY worth it.
Avoid eye contact with the aggressive driver.
Ignore gestures, and refuse to return them. <<-- Hmm......OK.......BUT......what if it makes ME feel better? lol
Report aggressive drivers to the appropriate authorities by providing a vehicle description, license number, location, and if possible, direction of travel.
If you have a cellular phone, and can use it while driving safely, call the police. Many have special numbers such as 9-1-1.
If an aggressive driver is involved in a crash farther down the road, stop at a safe distance from the crash scene, wait for the police to arrive, and report the driving behavior that you witnessed. <<-- ok, talking of 'mean; this IS friggin mean lol Why doncha be the 'better' person and call the ambulance/cops? Am sure they are gonna ask ya anyway, and really - sometimes people do jus f*ck up ya know?

Source: National Highway Traffic Safety Administration

This One Time @ An Offspring Concert

2009-05-26T22:56:00.003-05:00

Someday I am gonna look back on this event and be happy that I have something to remember it by - instead of having it be just like any other concert my husband and I have attended.

SOMEDAY

My husband & I took his daughter, a friend of hers - and then met up with a friend of mine at City Market in KC this last Friday. I was pretty darn excited, as I love 'The Offspring', and its nice to start Memorial Day weekend with sumpin as kewl as that ya know?

Altho, I ended up being anything BUT kewl at the concert. Surrounded by guys/gals with ear plugs, numerous body piercings, a bunch of tattoos and a wide array of hair color - I was one of the very few who looked 'normal'. We had actually managed to get pretty close to the stage for the main act (Offspring) and I was standing there getting more and more impatient by the minute.

Perhaps thats why I did not think when my husband - who suddenly had a beach ball in his hand - told me to hit the ball. This ball had been everywhere already, and it looked like it finally had gotten to me. So I smacked the ball......

Right up front. Right by the security guard. Right by the barricade.

Instantly, I heard at least 1/4 of the crowd 'BOO' me. My husband's daughter and her friend turn around to look at me, laughing. I turn around and look at my husband, who is doubled over in laughter.

*SIGH*

So what does a person do in that situation? I was at a loss - not sure whether to be embarrassed, pissed off or apologize. Seriously, am I the only one who has EVER done something like that?

Wait - dont answer that lol

Some Things You Don't Wanna Know

2009-05-17T23:19:00.003-05:00

The other day I decided to sing a random 80's song while in the truck going somewhere with my husband. Problem with me singing most songs is that I usually only know a couple of lyric lines, so in order to make the most of the 2 lines I do know, I tend to sing them over ..... and over... and over =)

This particular song, I decided to be a little more 'dramatic' with my singing, so my vocal range was quite extraordinary. Needless to say, this got my husband looking at me like I was a bit odd. Just when I thought he was doing extremely good not saying anything about my choice of song & my ability to only memorize 2 lines of most songs, he starts laughing.

I was not ready for this reaction at all, which made me pause and ask why he was laughing. He explains that my singing reminded him of a Nascar commercial he had seen. And me, not *quite* sure that I wanted to know why it did, but too curious *not* to ask why - asked why.

He tells me that the commercial is for Carl Edwards, and that they are suggesting 'signature moves' he can do (as Carl is known for his backflips). My singing apparently reminded him of the 'Wounded Unicorn' move.

Is it just me, or is that not really a compliment? lol

Ants

2009-05-11T13:13:00.005-05:00

I am *really* getting tired of the ants we have coming into our house. I do believe they are morphing into 'super ant' mode - as it takes a lot to kill them. Not to mention, they must've all developed brains, as their survival skills involve tactics that most insects would not have considered. For the most part, they are all in the kitchen sink and/or counter when I do find them - so I am happy that the kitchen cabinets have managed to do their job in keeping them away. But everytime I go to smash an ant, it takes me several tries because they have started working out or sumpin' and sprint away from the paper towel I usually find acceptable to smash them with. And on multiple occasions, I will raise the paper towel to find the ant motionless on the counter, only to have it take off again unharmed. What da friggin heck happened that a 5 '6'' person is unable to smash a teeny tiny ant? The F'N ant *should* have died darnit! So needless to say alot of times, I try the drowning technique - which usually works, altho I think they all have now decided all members of the ant colony need to take swimming lessons because that doesnt seem to kill them either *uggh*

To add insult to injury, these ants have gotten to be picky eaters. There was a plate that used to have nachos on it earlier in the day not long ago that they ALL bypassed in order to go get the tiny crumb of something better a little further down on the counter. Altho, I could use that to my advantage *evil laugh* I will bake a cake - leave a piece of it out on the counter to have all ants fight over. Either they will get grumpy with another and hostile and kill each other over the delicious cake they scored, or they will eat so much they will feel ill - which will slow them down and enable me to kill them quicker =)

I AM disappointed in my youngest dog tho. She eats June Bugs. She eats rotted leaves. She gnaws on plastic blinds. BUT somehow she doesnt seem to think that maybe she could be useful and eat the ants for me.

Or maybe she is smarter than me and knows that killing ants is a friggin waste of time lol

How to Strike Fear in the Eyes of Your Husband

2009-05-03T20:36:00.003-05:00

Comment that you want to plant some flowers. Endure the remarks that you will kill anything you plant.
Make a trip to Home Depot not long after comment and see gladiola bulbs. Endure another comment by husband about how you will kill them. Decide to get them anyway - despite the sighing and rolled eyes husband gives you.
Plant gladiola bulbs. While waiting for bulbs to grow, endure comments that you probably planted the bulbs upside down and that you have killed them already.
Notice that 2-3 weeks later that gladiola bulbs ARE indeed growing. Get really excited, make numerous comments of your own that they are growing. Show husband the area you planted them in order to give him proof that you do not kill ALL green things.
Mow lawn several weeks later. Have husband weed eat/trim while doing so. Finish mowing front yard and stop to pull any weeds that are amongst your gladiolas - notice that one of the gladiolas looks like a rabbit had munched on it.
Look at husband weed eating/trimming. Look at gladiola. Think to yourself that you have never heard of anyone say rabbits got ahold of their gladiolas. Look back at husband weed eating/trimming. Decide it was husband's fault that the gladiola ain't looking so great.
Stop what you are doing. Go get husband and bring him back to the gladiola area. Point to shredded gladiola. Firmly tell your husband that WAS a gladiola.
Have husband's eyes get big - have husband curse and defend himself by saying he thought it was a weed. Have husband hurriedly go back to weed-eating/trimming.

Sometimes it Takes Balls to be a Woman

2009-04-30T00:21:00.007-05:00

It is now almost 12:30 AM and I *really* should be in bed. Instead, my husband is busy downloading music from iTunes and I have managed to stay awake while he is doing so while perusing the internet world. Altho, hearing songs such as 'Sometimes it Takes Balls to be a Woman' blaring from the speakers is enuf to help a gal stay awake. At first you think you misunderstood the words, but when you look at your husband and he is grinning, it is obvious you heard exactly right. Courtesy of 'Outlaw Country' on Sirius Radio, my husband was introduced to a singer named Elizabeth Cook - who lends her vocal abilities to this song. Honestly, the song itself is pretty good - but if you ever get bored and wanna google the video for it, you may be a bit disturbed.

But anyway, thats all I gotta say about that =)

In other news, I have found a way to bother people at work without being blatantly obvious about it. It seems that the people at work have become fond of the geese that have considered our office area their home. I find this a bit ironic, as two of these geese ended up pairing off and parking their featherey behinds RIGHT by the door to get into the office. This would have been fine if the geese had been the sort of geese to honk a happy greeting our way as we went by, but they ended up being the kind that decided hissing and running after the people was the better course of action. And at the beginning, I was rootin' for these geese, as it prevented the smokers from standing right in front of the door. However, after feeding them some bread an being rewarded by having them try to attack me still, I decided they were on their own.

So fast forward a bit, the geese eventually have a good reason to be defensive, because there is now an egg/nest by the door. People are wanting something done about the geese, but the fact that these are Canadian Geese present a problem - they are protected by law and you need a permit to have them removed. So..... geese and my coworkers adjust to their living conditions, and everyone seems to adapting fairly well. One day tho, the male was not there - and the next day, the female and egg was gone as well.

So this had everyone a bit worried, despite their initial grumpiness towards the geese, they seemed to genuinely care what had happened to them. So I casually mention the first day they talked about it that I had seen a fox in the area. They talked about the geese disappearing the next day, and I remarked that I had seen a fox in the area the other day. The third day comes and they again are wondering where the geese are. And yet again, I inform them I had seen a fox in the area the other day. One of my coworkers had enuf and said:

"We get it Lisa, you saw a fox. STOP talking about it."

In my defense tho, I DID see a fox in the area lol

Dog Spam

2009-04-23T18:16:00.002-05:00

I got a spam email this morning that had the subject heading ‘Is your dog lucky?’ First reaction was, duhhhh! Of course they BOTH are and went to hit the delete button. Then I started thinking about how my youngest one has been pretty darn lucky lately. In fact, she is fairly lucky overall, but for the sake of this blog post, I will name just two instances of her luck =)

The first one that comes to mind was a couple of days ago when I was reaching into the freezer to get some ice for a drink I was having. Generally, my husband and I use the ice machine on our fridge and the dogs *love* to come running when they hear it, as we let a few small pieces of ice hit the floor for them to have. The other day, tho, I was in the mood for the ice cubes – not the crushed parts of them – in my drink, but the youngest one decided she wanted to be in on the action anyway. I thought the pieces were too big (if you have seen her, she is a SMALL dog, only 6 lbs) for her to munch on, so I was trying not to drop any on the floor – but of course, I still do. She is there in an instant, grabbing up the ice cube and taking off with it to the living room. I follow her, as I thought she did not need such a big piece of ice, and she rolls over and clamps her mouth shut in an effort to keep me from taking it from her. However, I am an expert at prying her mouth open by now =) So I got it open and realized since the ice cube was so cold and she had it against her tongue for a bit, the ice cube had started to freeze to her tongue. I had to gently pull on it to get it off her tongue and out of her mouth, at which point I checked out her tongue to make sure it was ok. Once satisfied she was ok, she takes off in search of other things, totally oblivious that her life could’ve been a bit uncomfortable for awhile had she not been so lucky.

The second was a day or so before that, as I was checking in our hall closet for something. Both the dogs have a habit of following me about the house, but the youngest is worse. I had looked in the closet and couldn’t find what I was looking for, and was about to close the door when I saw something brown flash before me IN the closet. I scream and Sadie, the youngest pup, peeks out from behind one of the shoes like she was wondering what the fuss was all about =) She was quite lucky I did not spaz more and lock her in there as I ran off and close the door!

Well, anyway! That’s a few stories of Sadie, who in her own little way, has managed to be a bright spot in my life since Karma passed away a year ago. There is a lot of Karma I see in her – but she is still her ‘own’ dog ya know? Life goes on and she has helped immensely to make me realize it can still be a good life =)

Car Wash Gripe

2009-04-18T13:08:00.004-05:00

I went to wash my jeep yesterday & was reminded why some lunch hours are best spent either snoozing inside my jeep and/or reading a good book inside my jeep - instead of trying to be super uber productive and get stuff done.

I thought I would splurge and spend the 75 cents to sweep out the inside the jeep - even tho I *could* have waited until I got home and used our sweeper. The 75 cents only got me 3/4 of the way thru my jeep before it stopped - which, I guess in their defense - maybe a whole dollar's worth woulda got me there (since 75 cents is 3/4 of a dollar ya know? lol). I decide to wash the jeep next, as I did not want to break my $5 bill in quarters in order to have enuf quarters to run the sweeper again.

Soo......I was washing my jeep..... and manage to do so without anything going wrong. It was after I washed the jeep that everything went downhill....

I pull out and decide that I am REALLY gonna splurge and break my $5 bill and sweep out my jeep again. Not only will I sweep it out, but I will buy one of their cleaning sponges to clean inside as well. Impressed?

Don't be lol

I park by a sweeper, grab the $5 bill and run to the change machine on the opposite side of the car wash. I put my $5 bill in - I hear it *clink* 5 times for each dollar's worth of quarters - and then - NOTHING. No friggin quarters were spit out and needless to say, I was frustrated and hit the 'Gimme my change back damnit' button. STILL nothing *sigh*

It just so happened that one of the car wash personnel guys were not too far away. Normally, I wouldve let it go, deciding it was not worth it and leave. But it was not just one dollar - it was 5 friggin dollars. So I walk over to the guy and say:

"The machine took my $5 bill - it acted like it was gonna give me my money but it didn't".

Wordlessly, the guy goes to the other machine by it, sticks a $5 bill in from his pocket, steps back and says:

"There you go. It was *that* machine?" and he points to the one I used as I nod yes.

I say thank you, take the quarters and then go to the machine to get a sponge to clean the inside of my jeep. It takes me some time to realize where the sponge gets dropped at after the machine determines you gave it the appropriate amount of money, but I found the darn sponge and ran back to my jeep to start cleaning.

I managed to get thru sweeping it the second time and am about halfway thru cleaning the inside with a sponge when the guy walks back to me and asks:

"You said it was the machine on the left?", and as I say yes, he answers:

"Well, that machine does not show its short $5. The other machine does not either."

He then looks at me like I friggin stole the $5 dollars. I retell my story from before, and he repeats that he is not short $5 dollars. I sit there, not knowing what the heck he wants ME to do about it. I finally say:

"Well, I dunno what happened - I can give you back the money I have left if you want"

He said no, he was just trying to figger out what happened. Umm......yeah.....me F'N too dude! But it is YOUR car wash place, not mine. And I do NOT rip off older dude's at car washes in an effort to clean my darn jeep. Seriously? Did he expect me to say that yes..... I AM the famous car wash burgler. You are a friggin genius dude for catching me. Put me in handcuffs. Take me away!?

Grrrr!! And if he wasnt accusing me, why was he acting like it? And if he was just trying to figger things out, why was he asking ME? Do I look like I know what makes their F'N machines not F'N work?

The recession must be worse than I thought is all I got to say....

Stimulants

2009-04-14T23:17:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was not that great - yesterday was a day full of frustration, curse words and a bunch of things just plain not going as planned. Today is better - altho tonite has been exceptional, mostly due to my ability to consume a Starbuck's double shot on ice, a 16 ounce energy drink and 2 pieces of Ghiradellis with caramel.

Thank goodness for stimulants such as these, as I am not sure how I would get thru some things without them. My masseuse does not find my remarkable ability to consume said products remarkable at all tho - she actually made the comment that perhaps I should *not* consume energy drinks. Can ya'all believe that? I mean, how can a gal relax during her massage if she is all peeved off at her masseuse beforehand for suggesting such craziness? lol

Well anyway...... she did mention the many benefits of lemon balm when I told her I bought some. I was informed you can buy lemon balm and plant it in your yard. I was also informed that even people who kill plants on a daily basis such as myself can keep these plants alive - they are very easy to grow. Methinks I may get some and purposely try to kill them just to prove her wrong.

Yes, I am very immature....

Lemon balm is supposed to relax ya tho, which is why it was brought up. Not sure why - I dont think I was blinking excessively from the energy drink I had before I got there. Maybe I was staring too much? Maybe I wasnt staring enuf? lol

Maybe I should quit typing this blog post when its obvious I am a little too buzzed from caffeine? =)

Farewell Dear Keds

2009-04-10T12:17:00.004-05:00

I have been neglecting this blog lately *Lisa looks ashamed of herself* Life has just been too hectic, and lil ole moi has been too lazy to do anything about it when she does have the free time. Not to mention, I have been out of sorts the last few days - partly cuz my husband and I just got back not long ago from Vegas and the time change seems to have really messed me up.

I know, I know..... mwaaa.... boo hooo.... sniffle..... is what ya'all are thinking right? Oh well, *I* feel sorry for myself. And that feeling sorry for myself can largely make up for ya'all for *not* feeling sorry for me lol

I do want to dedicate this blog post to my Ked tennis shoes that are about to depart me, tho. They have been thru all sorts of weather, moods of mine and just plain ole physical wear and tear. The latter is probably is a little more harsh since I am not very good about keeping clothes, shoes and such clean and/or free of impending doom. Shirts have stains - pants have bleach spots - and shoes?

Shoes lose their soles.....

Uh huh..... yes ya'all! My latest pair of Keds decided they had enuf the other day and the bottom of the shoe just came apart. Super glue did an amazing repair job (Lisa makes a mental note to email Super Glue manufacturer and commend them on making a product with unbelievable abilities to make ANYTHING stick together), BUT even Super Glue could not fend off the inevitable.

I was in the airport at Vegas, got to my gate, sat down, got out my laptop and my shoe gave way again. It did its best to get me back home and since then has remained inactive, waiting for me 'let go' and its preparing itself for shoe heaven.

Yes, I said shoe heaven...... and yes, I have had WAY too much energy drink today lol

Too Close to Call

2009-03-17T21:04:00.004-05:00

Being St Patrick's Day, one would assume there would be good luck floating about galore - and if any good luck was running low, Mr Leprechaun would send some more down to earth (just cuz he is so darn happy he found a pot of gold and all). Howwwevverrr, if you thought that, you would be wrong. Maybe there is alot of good luck dust floating around in the air, but lil ole moi is either not getting any of it or I melt it to smithereens with my body - since it eeks of bad luck obviously. The good luck dust melts away like a snowflake, and I am left with utter frustration. I am *not* being dramatic (ok, well maybe a little), but I am serious that this day has been a frustrating one. Let me give you all a few examples:

UNCOOL: Waking up at 8 A, when you have to be at work AT 8 AM. Not finding your purse, which has the cell phone that was supposed to wake your lame a$$ up, find said purse in vehicle after running outside in PJs with serious bed head.
COOL: Calling in to tell your supervisor you *just* woke up and that you would be late and have her laugh and say, 'ok, we will see when you get here dear'.

UNCOOL: Driving into work and having a minivan go the EXACT SAME SPEED in the fast lane as the truck in the slow lane was and making it impossible to get around and down the road.
COOL: Noticing said truck had a sign that asked 'How am I driving'? Which makes me think to myself, 'pretty good, altho the guy next to you is bein' a dumba$$' - which therefore manages to amuse me until I *can* get around them.

UNCOOL: Printing off 15 page case anaylises for my Business Law class (err, EACH - making a the total amount of trees I killed in the process enuf to make me ashamed). Only to find out when I got home that there was a synopsis for each case in my textbook all along.
COOL: Noticing the teacher has given me all my points on my last 2 case anaylses homework assignments.

UNCOOL: Going to Beauty Brands to get some cosmetic stuff. Husband comes into store from shopping at AT&T and I decide I better try out the 'Happy Heart' massager I was thinking about buying. Ask husband to come here, wanna try something and ask him to turn around. Bring hand up and promptly fling massager past my husband and onto the floor a few feet away.
COOL: Managed not to break massager and did end up buying it and also managed to get husband to give me a short massage with it tonight.

UNCOOL: Going to Legends area to go to the Irish place we thought was still there to eat - see that its called something really uncool like 'Grannies sumpin or da other'. Head somewhere else, husband gets work phone call which takes FOREVERRR. Head to Mexican place where husband asks to have us put in the 'fun' area. We are sat by the window (which is open), and are barely able to see the menus cuz of the glaring sun. Waiter is slow to take our orders, and then seems VERY anxious to clear our table once he finally does. Either he is trying to give us a hint, or he was previously cleaning tables and old habits die hard.
COOL: I did have a very yummy eroticolada drink that helped me not sweat so much - despite the glaring sun.

OK, I am done.....better start on that Business Law assignment and squeeze in some time for drawing, so that the trees didnt have to die for nothing lol

Moments Like This

2009-03-10T21:25:00.005-05:00

From: ME [mailto:xxxx@xxxxxx.xxx] Sent: Tuesday, March 10, 2009 6:59 PM
To: HUSBAND
Subject: RE: Stupid Laws of the week

In Florida:
• Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
• Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

Just thought you might like to know – especially the last one lol

From: HUSBAND [mailto:xxxx@xxxxxx.xxx] Sent: Tuesday, March 10, 2009 8:29 PM
To: ME
Subject: RE: Stupid Laws of the week

Um…. Thanks for sharing. I’ll limit my strapless gown wearing to the other 49 States. =)

From: ME [mailto:xxxx@xxxxxx.xxx] Sent: Tuesday, March 10, 2009 8:31 PM
To: HUSBAND
Subject: RE: Stupid Laws of the week

You can always wear gowns with poofy sleeves in Florida instead lol

Smurfette

2009-03-08T21:36:00.003-05:00

Have you ever wondered about Smurfette? Have you ever cared? lol Am I showing my age? =) As I was growing up, we only had about 3 channels on our TV to choose from for cartoons on a Saturday morning, and one of those had the Smurfs on them. I grew up admiring Smurfette's bravery - cuz what gal would want to be surrounded by a gadzillion guys? OK, scratch the floozy gals, I am talking about any 'normal' gal. Altho, make it duly noted that Smurfette wasnt 'normal', as her skin was colored blue and all.....

I did Wikipedia Smurfette, and have decided that Wikipedia is now my new best friend instead of Google - as I got LOTS of info on Smurfette =) I was a little insulted to learn Smurfette was initially created to cause trouble amongst the Smurfs, altho it makes us women seem quite powerful I guess. I honestly wonder how messed up on drugs someone would have to be to create little (not more than 3 apples tall according to Wikipedia lol) blue dudes with tails and white pointy hats who run around in an unnamed forest. I have never done drugs, altho I *have* gotten quite drunk a few times - but never do I see blue dudes.

Altho, I guess I barely see the sidewalk when I am walking down it drunk either lol

The Price of Looking Beautiful

2009-02-19T21:44:00.002-06:00

It seems that not everything I make a comment on at work is ignored - altho I sometimes think that maybe it would be better if it had been ignored. Like today..... I have had some issues with eyeliner lately and made the comment that I am thinking I should get it tattooed on my eyes so that I do not have to worry about it anymore. The first eyeliner smeared everywhere at the slightest touch & the second eyeliner would not smear, but I would have to rub my eyes raw before it came off. Not to mention the fact that that if it got on my eyelashes, there seemed to be no way to get it off except plucking my eyelashes out - whether by purpose or the 'oh sh*t' I didnt mean for that to happen sorta thing. Anyway, my comment promptly got the attention of one of my coworkers and she proceeded to tell me how BAD of an idea it was to tattoo it on me. It apparantly concerned her so much that she googled it and clicked past the 'do not view this during working hours warning box' to go to a page that had a BUNCH of people saying what all of the cons are (some sorta Yahoo page I think).

I told her Rosanne Barr had it done, which I realize is not a raging endorsement of any kind, but.... I do not seem to remember pictures of her eyes looking funky. Just the rest of her lol

Well, anyway.... back to eyeliner....

My coworker thought I should try other brands of eyeliner before I made such a rash decision. I acknowledged the rationale in this line of thought and made another comment about seeing what brand of eyeliner I did have. This comment also got me in trouble, as apparantly I am not carrying any sort of brand with me, its one of the cheapest eyeliners you can buy I guess (in my defense, with a name called Wet & Wild on the bottle, how was I supposed to know? lol).

Therefore, I was promptly embarassed by my ability to be cheap on something as critical as makeup to put on my face. So that was a mission tonight - I bought the most (err.... one of the most) expensive eyeliners at .....umm.... Target I could find.

So wish me luck ya'all! Otherwise I may be that friend you dont wanna invite out anywhere cuz I do not have eyelashes and red poofy eyes and look like I did too much meth or sumpin.

Not that I know what meth does to ya lol

A Trip to Home Depot

2009-02-06T21:06:00.002-06:00

Once upon a time at a Home Depot, a husband and wife head out to look at hardwood to redo their living room floor with. They stop at a local Mexican restaurant to eat a decent supper, despite how abnormally low the booths were that they had to sit in. They ignored the slow-ish service and the fact that their pants were cutting into their tummys cuz of the odd angle they were sitting and finished their supper and headed out to the car to go to Home Depot to look at the hardwoods.

Once there, they spend many minutes going back and forth between several different kinds of hardwoods in order to decide which one they liked the best. For some reason, Home Depot decides to seperate their choice of hardwoods to buy into two different sections of the store, so husband and wife get a workout making the treks back and forth.

Finally a decision was made and husband and wife were standing at the checkout counter waiting to sign their life away in order to get hardwood put in their house. The checkout gal had to go....err....checkout something....and left husband and wife at the counter waiting. This provided the wife with an opportunity to lean against the counter, stretch out her back that was cramping up from standing so long and take a good look at her husband.

The first thing she notices is that he has decided to start working on a 'soul' patch on his face. Wife comments on this new look, to which he replied:

"Well, I am surprised you would notice that and not my sideburns."

Wife takes another good look and starts laughing at the groovy sideburns her husband now has. These are not normal sideburns, these are sideburns that you would find on someone that is badly wanting to look like a redneck. They start from the ear area and go all the way down to his neck - kinda getting slightly wider as they get further down the neck.

And now the wife can not notice anything else BUT these friggin sideburns that her husband worked so hard on. She now spends her days planning ways to get him to either shave it off or find ways she can shave it off for him. She no longer looks at her husbands beautiful blue eyes when she looks at his face, but instead just sees a scrabbly mass of brownish sideburns that seem to overwhelm his face more every time she looks at him.

She has addressed this issue with her husband, only to have him retort:

"I have just three words for you. FRENCH SILK PIE."

French Silk Pie

2009-02-01T21:12:00.006-06:00

My day has been dominated by French Silk Pie. Not eating it..... but hearing about it. Over and over and over again.....

This morning, one of the first things I accomplished as soon as I got dressed and showered for the day was throwing the last piece of French Silk Pie down the garbage disposal. This was not the only thing to meet its demise in the garbage disposal, but it appears its the only thing that appeared to be important to my husband. Once he comes into the kitchen and helps out by starting dishes, he casually asks:

"Did you throw the pasta away?""

"Yeah" I reply, "Along with the last piece of French Silk Pie & some leftover mashed potatoes."

A once productive husband that was helping his wife out doing dishes suddenly stops washing the dish he is on, turns around with an incredulous look on his face and says:

"WHAT?? Please tell me you really ate the last piece of French Silk Pie."

Ummmm....... needless to say, I had to tell him that I had indeed threw it down the garbage disposal, which I have not heard the end of today. If I mentioned he looked flushed, he said it was because he was still upset about the French Silk Pie. If mentioned someone else looked happy, he would reply that they probably didnt have someone throw their French Silk Pie down the garbage disposal.

So on the way back home after our errands and such today, we were discussing French Silk Pie again for about the 10th time, when I made a mention that he could go to the store and BUY a friggin piece of French Silk Pie if it bothers him so much. He replies that it is very rare to see French Silk Pie sold by the slice at the store, and says that we are headed to the grocery store so he can show me just how right he is. I, of course, am in no mood to go to the store and stand in front of the bakery counter and have him sigh. But that *is* what happened, only with an "I told you so" attached to it.

However, we do not dwell on it (errrr, too much) and move on to other things we need while we are there and head to check out line. We are in the check out lane for a total of 1 minute before someone else is behind us. We both look back at the same time and notice the guy has stacked about 3-4 pies on the conveyer belt.

I look at my husband. He looks at me. We both about loose it - but my husband turns around and tells the guy that he can put the divider behind the pies and we will buy the pies, it would not be a problem at all for us to do so. The guy laughs and says something about us regretting it once all the calories hit our stomachs. My husband laughs also and says, nahh.... thats ok.... its kinda a long story between my wife and I. To which I pipe up and say:

"No, not really. Just a pretty short story repeated MANY times".

So anyway! We make it out of the store, get in the truck and I tell my husband that I have decided that God is taking his side on this French Silk Pie deal. Seriously, lets think about it..... it was the Super Bowl today. Anyone in the grocery store *should* be buying chicken wings, hamburger, steaks, chips, salsa, beer..... ANYTHING else but friggin PIE.

Even the simple lessons in life are really rubbed in my face I tell ya lol

New Technology

2009-01-31T13:03:00.003-06:00

I am not ready for new technology, my brain is just not capable of making so many changes at once. I am a little overwhelmed with my college classes, so my new laptop is stressing me out trying to get everything on it that was on my old one. PLUS figgerin' out where all my programs are, how hard to click, what to touch and not touch..... its just been all one big hassle. I truly have not had time to actually *enjoy* having a new laptop.

And on top of that, I decided that I was gonna make the leap from an iPhone to a Windows Mobile/HTC phone that enables me to look at word docs (for my college classes) and do all sorts of more grown up things that the iPhone never was capable of letting me do. However, that has also been a problem. From the start, my new phone has been a pain in the a$$. I got it while on our trip to FL, and it has went downhill ever since then.

First time I used it I could not even connect to the internet on it. My husband is sweet enuf to give customer service a call to find out whats wrong. He tells her that he does not think my iPhone internet package was switched to the HTC package. The gal argues with him on it, even tho what she had initially read off on the account was *exactly* what my husband says. And after she decides he needs to get off the phone to call him back on his cell to fix MY cell, she ends up calling my cell #, says sorry when my husband informs her of this, laughs and calls back on the right phone. MANY minutes later, MANY tries later, she decides its the SIM card and we need to go back to the store and swap it out. ONLY to find out at the store that it was the internet package after swapping out the phone, thinking it must be the phone cuz the old one did not work any better with a new SIM card.

Anyway! Fast forward to the drive home and on to yesterday......I tried to get my voicemail set up and it did not recognize the number. My husband tries calling and the 'help' line is closed already. I call the next day and find out that the voicemail feature was never switched either *arggh* So that got fixed..... and I was on to figgering out how to switch the background picture of a dude that I accidently put on it. I spent DAYS messing with it - I seriously was getting pissed, as its really uncool to have a friggin DUDE's silhouette for the background on my cell phone. It should be a women's/gal's silhouette at least for my phone - I am friggin female after all. My husband looks at my cell phone last night and 10 minutes later has it fixed. Soooo.... ya see..... I am not sure I am mentally capable of owning a Windows Mobile phone.

Altho, with the way my brain goes in stages from loosing it not not remembering a single friggin thing lately, I am not sure I am mentally capable of anything lately *sigh*

OK, am done griping..... sorry ya'all..... am in a funk, and figgered who better to understand than ya'all? =)

Yes Ma'am

2009-01-28T23:45:00.003-06:00

I have to say, I am getting tired of being called Ma'am. I am only 34 years old, it isnt time to be called Ma'am is it? My husband says its just being polite, but.... to have an employee at an Arby's drive thru and then another employee at a Walgreen's pharmacy call me Ma'am just the other afternoon was just a bit too much. And every time I go to a restaurant, I am called Ma'am also. I am no longer asked to show my ID in order to get an alcoholic beverage. When once upon a time I used to be peeved that I got carded for everything, now I am peeved they think I look old enuf not to be carded.

Why don't people call me Miss instead of Ma'am? Thats just as polite right? Or just use something to get your attention like - Excuse me? Or ..... here is your espinaca you ordered, would you like anything else with that?

See? No Ma'am needed..... no addressing my age at all for that matter. Just simple and right to the point. And everyone ends up happy..

=)

Blabbin' About Dawgz

2009-01-17T14:18:00.003-06:00

Well, its just me and the dogs so far this weekend! Husband is out of town for work and his daughter has better things to do then to hang out with me *sniffle* lol I don't blame her really, if I was her age again, I would think it would be more fun to hang out with my friends =)

'Sides, I *do* have Accounting homework to get caught up on & a house to clean - yay me huh? lol And I am teaching the dogs useful tricks to know, like the little one knows how to 'dance' now & the older one is on her way to knowing how to 'Hi-5'. Ya know, those sorts of tricks just might come in handy someday. Like when we move out to the country, a coyote may think the younger one looks mighty tasty. All the younger one has to do is twirl around a few times and the coyote will be momentarily distracted - at which point, the younger one can run away and/or hide lol

In other dog related news, my husband has managed to dub our dogs Duck (older one) and Tater (younger one). For some reason, they will not respond to me when I call them that, tho. They will listen to my husband and his daughter and not me *Lisa looks insulted*

Is it the tone of my voice? Do I not sound genuine - like I am really talking to them? Do they think I am just talking about food? What the heck am I doin' wrong? lol

Yesterday's Lunch Hour

2009-01-10T12:19:00.002-06:00

Yesterday I had quite the lunch hour - a young guy decided he was gonna try to mess with me while driving back to work from dropping off lunch for my husband who was at home not feeling well. I am right behind the guy trying to turn onto Shawnee Mission Parkway and he stops in the middle of the turn. I get pissed, but then he decides to go just in time for me to be able to safely make it through the light also. I don't think too much about it after that, as I was trying to enter my work's name into my new GPS unit to see if it would find it before I started speeding up too much. The guy is right in front of me and slows WAY down. So I quit concentrating on my GPS and decide I had had enough of the guy and speed up to get down the road.

However, the guy now decides to speed up as well, and is *right* on my bumper. I slow down, he slows down. I speed up, switch lanes..... he speeds up and switches lanes.... and STILL stays on my bumper.

I am really pissed off by now and pull off on the Lackman exit, and what do you know? He friggin does too! I pull up to the light at Lackman and flip him off. I then pull to the merge lane to get back on to Shawnee Mission Parkway and he follows me, so I decide to pull over and stop - hoping that he will go by and get back on Shawnee Mission Parkway. He stops right behind me....

So I speed up, get back on Shawnee Mission Parkway - all the meanwhile having him following RIGHT behind me no matter which lane I am in or what speed I am going. I make a big deal of holding my cell phone to my head and acting like I was calling 911. He starts hanging back a bit for a few minutes, and then starts speeding up again. I pull onto Quivira to go to the Police Station and take the wrong entrance, which is right beside the Police Station - where an old Hen House used to be I believe. He pulls in right behind me.....

I roll down my window and tell him: "Leave me the f*ck ALONE!".

He smiles, leans out his window and asks: "What??"

Frustrated, upset and pissed off, I turn my jeep around in the parking lot and start to head out to Shawnee Mission Parkway again. He squeels his tires on his black Honda Accord and follows me...

I call my husband and he tells me to go to the Police Station, which I told him I was just *kinda* at, but.... I head to Merriam's police station, all the while having him follow me. I turn into the parking lot of Merriam Police Station and park. He drives by slowly...... then I see him drive by the opposite way slowly. I wait a minute or so and take Johnson Drive the rest of the way to work.

Luckily, I managed to get rid of him - I never saw him after that. BUT I am still pissed about it. You do not friggin mess around with people on the road like that! And dont you think he has better things to do?

Ughhh.... anyway..... I need to get ready for the day and today's lunch. It should go better than yesterdays since my husband will be with me and people know better than to mess with him lol

If At First You Don't Succeed

2009-01-02T23:09:00.002-06:00

Well, I am not very happy with my socks I knitted. I decided to wear them today to work & was constantly annoyed by how they fit the whole day =/ I think I am the only person who can knit a pair of socks that are slightly too big, put them in hot water to wash them, and have them not friggin shrink, but get BIGGER! *uuggh* So there is an extra 1/2 inch at the toe area. Not only that, the heel is all funky - it does not lay down at all, but instead is all 'poochey' looking (for lack of better word). In addition, I wore big/clunky shoes to work today, so combining them with ill fitting socks did not make Lisa Marie happy.

MUST make better fitting socks for self during 2009!!

A BEE-autiful Day

2009-01-01T15:24:00.004-06:00

I was eating some sorbet made by Haagen-Daz the other day and noticed that they advertised 'help the honeybees' on the container. Not one to go 'hmmm, really"' and let it go, I decided to start to investigate - as I had never heard the honeybees were needing my help. Seriously, how do you know that its really not the bees fault that Haagen-Daz charges so much for their product? It could be that Haagen-Daz just has bad business practices and wants to blame it on the poor honeybees who bust their butts everyday to provide us with sorbet-goodness =)

So off I went to check out the website they provided (http://www.helpthehoneybees.com/) I found out that the honeybees are starting to leave their hive and die, and no one is really sure why. They are calling this trend CDD (Colony Collapse Disorder) - I know, I know, they are friggin geniuses huh? lol I am thinking there could be one of several things going on here:

#1 The honeybees are just getting plain lazy and need to be reminded that they need to work for a living. Running away from home does not solve their problems.

#2 The honeybees are pissed off that humans have interfered with where they make their home at, and have decided they are gonna go off and start their own homes where they can have more say-so.

#3 The honeybees are not happy that they have to be the 'guineapigs' for humans. An example is an article I found where they give honeybees cocaine and see how they react before, during and after they give them the cocaine in order to find out how to help humans who are addicted to cocaine. Am thinking when they are in withdrawal stage, they get depressed and decide they do not wanna live anymore, so they fly away and die *sniffle* And by the way, if you think I am making this up, check out this link - http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28418762/ =)

My point in this? I feel sorry for the honeybees..... dont you all? lol

Romance is Dead

2008-12-14T10:42:00.003-06:00

Yes ya'all, I am sorry to tell you this..... but it’s true. What guys define as romance and what gals determine it should be are two different things. Let me tell you a little story about a long drive home the other night that a husband and wife were taking in order to get home from vacation.

Husband pulls over at a gas station in order to fill up the gas tank and make the necessary pit stops (i.e. snacks, bathroom, etc.) Wife waits patiently in the passenger seat of the car while said husband gets out and starts putting gasoline in the car. Husband stays outside by the side of the car, waiting for the tank to fill up. Wife decides to show her love by enacting a scene out of the movie 'The Titanic'.

Do ya'all know where I am going? That scene where they 'get it on' in the car, its all steamy in the car, and one of their hands reach up to the window of the car and slide down - leaving a handprint cuz there is all sorts of condensation on the window.

So anyway!

Wife puts her hand on the window of their car and slowly slides it down, putting on her most love stricken look possible. Husband squints at her, shakes his head and returns his attention the gas pump. Wife decides husband did not understand her intentions and again puts her hand on the car window, slides it down slowly and looks love stricken. Husband then glares at her. Wife decides he needs to understand just how romantic she is being and decides to do it a third time.

Wife's hand slides slowly down window. Wife looks love stricken. Husband then has had enuf and says in a loud voice (mind you, the window is up, so wife can hear him inside the car despite the window being up):

"What the f*ck are you doing?"

So then wife has to explain that she is enacting a scene of the 'Titanic' on the way into the gas station, to which her husband laughs and says:

"I was just thinking, da*nit! I am gonna have to clean those windows now"

Wife rests her case....

Margaritas and Monkeys

2008-12-10T19:57:00.002-06:00

Vegas has been fun =) Inspired by our friends at the OJ party we had the other night, we decided to go to 'Margaritaville' for food and drinks. That was fairly interesting, as while we were eating, they stopped the music and put on a skit with 3 people on stilts and a blonde running around in a swimming suit holding a tray with margarita glasses on it. This skit was all done to the song 'Margaritaville' and ended with the blonde falling in a fake volcano (yes, that was built in the restaurant), only to climb out and slide down the volcano and splash into a blender full of fake margarita mix.

No wait! The blonde did get on some sort of swing and swing around above the bar after that. I believe THAT was the end.

Uhuh, yup.....wholesome family fun lol

Anywhooo .... one of the highlights of the trip so far for me is the other morning when I was in the shower. OK, stop it..... I am not going where you think I am going!

Anyway! I am in the shower, towards the shower head and then turn around to the other side - all the while closing my eyes in happiness from the burning hot water that I find so relaxing. I then open my eyes ...... and on the shower wall I see a picture and the words 'Death Monkey'.

And yes, the picture was of an evil looking monkey, fangs and all. This was left on the shower wall the previous night courtesy of my devoted, loving husband.

=)

On Da Road

2008-12-07T22:53:00.003-06:00

Alright, this anniversary vacation has not gotten off to a great start. Yesterday, everything worked against us, so we did not get on the road until 5 P ish. The initial game plan was to be on the road by noon.... but.....well, ya know....

We slept in the car yesterday night and got a room at a Days Inn about an hour away from Flagstaff, AZ tonight. We were hoping to be in Vegas by now, but we were both wanting to get out of the car pretty bad after spending the night in it.

Plus, we did not make as good of time today as we wouldve hoped - probably cuz we felt skanky, tired, sore and slightly grumpy lol Some of the places to stop along the way are less than satisfactory, especially if you have to use the facilities. One of our stops had clean restrooms, but the employee behind the counter and the ladies sitting at a table eating their goodies they just bought were a bit disconcerting to say the least. Of course, the husband decides he is gonna check on the car, says he will be right back and tells me to 'go shopping'. Well, he took foreverrrrrrr ....... which wouldnt have been as bad if I didnt feel a bit weird listening to the gal with the mullet behind the counter singing Tobey Keith's 'Who's your Daddy?' song. I finally couldnt take it anymore and went outside to tell him he was taking entirely too long =)

But other than that, life is good lol

A Knittin' Fool

2008-12-02T00:55:00.004-06:00

I can not feel my fingers .....

No, wait! I *can* feel my fingers. They friggin THROB - payment for the knitting I have been doin' lately I guess. My lower back kills me too *whine, whine* Knitting for charity shouldve been started a LONG time ago, but oh well.... am sure the kids in Haiti will appreciate the bears =) And I am sure the baby hats I am knitting also will look pretty stylin' on the baby's heads lol

My youngest pup keeps taking off with my yarn, tho, which doesnt help. Actually, it does help in a way, as it makes me stand up every so often and not make my back totally messed up. My youngest pup is usually not content to just take the yarn, tho. She must unravel it all the way out of the office, and then nose it down the stairs, so that it unwinds all the way down the stairs too *ughh*

Am getting to the point where I am tempted to let her have ALL my yarn - been knitting WAY too much =)

Panda Pez

2008-11-24T22:24:00.004-06:00

Once upon a time, I had one of my good friends give me a panda pez. I was pretty darn tickled by this, and have kept it in the cupboard - just in case I want to fill it full of pez candy-goodness someday. However, today it seems my panda pez has had enuf of being ignored and is crying out to be noticed. As this is what I found when I opened my cupboard door tonight.....

You Are Gonna Go Far Kid

2008-11-19T20:07:00.008-06:00

Well, not really - not at the rate I am going this week lol Monday began with a 'Healthier Me' appointment scheduled at work, which tested my cholesterol, glucose and other such related things. They have me scheduled at 8:42A for it - yeah, kinda odd that they didnt try the every 5 minute thing, like whats wrong with 8:45A? But anywhoooo...

Work began with me accidently clicking a file of mine and moving it somewhere else - and that somewhere else was a mystery to even me. I did not see where it went, it just disappeared. So off Lisa went to search her fussy computer for her lost file. Amazingly, this does not take too terribly long. What DOES take terribly long is figgerin' out how to move it back =/ My husband text messages me with the hint 'copy and paste is your friend'. I go to explorer, find my file and move it to the file it should go to - AND it starts a fairly lengthy process of copying the files. Feeling mighty proud of myself, I think' 'HA! I should text my husband and tell him Explorer is my friend and NOT copy and paste!' Altho, its a good thing I didnt, as once it was all done, there still was no file transfered to the correct spot.

The short story of this? Copy and Paste was INDEED my friend.

Anywhoooo! I fix the problem and head off to the other building for my 'Healthier Me' appointment. I am almost to the building and realize I forgot my Blue Cross/Blue Shield card I needed to show them to take the 'Healthier Me' appointment. Already running late, I run all the way back to the building I came from, got to my cubicle, grabbed my card and ran all the way back to the building I needed to go to. I get to where I need to check in and the guy asks me how I am doing. I breathlessly reply:

"Just great"

In probably the most sarcastic voice ever - which must have been detected by the guy, cuz he laughs and gives me the form I need to fill out. I stand and fill out the form - despite the 3 chairs that are available for me to sit down in. As I am doing so, another person walks up to check in and the guy asks him:

'Do you have your Blue Cross/Blue Shield card with you'?

'No, I forgot it', the guy replies.

'Thats ok', says the guy who is checking him in says, 'Just give me your last four digits of your social security #'.

I stop filling out the form and am almost tempted to give it back to the dude and say, 'SCREW YOU & YOUR HEALTHIER YOU CRAP - I almost had a heart attack running over here cuz I thought you needed the F'N card'

But I restain myself, fill out the rest of the form, hand it back to the guy and walk in. And guess what? When they take my pulse rate, its 92.....

Who wouldve friggin thought? lol

Anywhooo..... THAT was just the beginning of my week. I aint telling you the rest. Altho, I DO have to impart some other wisdom before I sign off on this blog post:

Do NOT use aluminum knitting needles as drum sticks when beating on your desk that has a glass top.

Just sayin'.....

=)

One of Those Days

2008-11-12T17:51:00.000-06:00

Sometimes a day is just not meant to be I think. Sometimes I think you should just go to bed and wake up a bit later, ready to start it all over again.

I think that I am having one of those days. Altho, I suppose there is no guarantee I am gonna wake up and everything fixes itself. I actually do not even have that option, as I am now at work on my lunch break. I guess I could take a nap and see if that helps, but after the endless hassles I have had already, I think I need more than just a nap.

After I found my Discover card I have been missing for the last couple of weeks this morning, I thought this was a sign – that the day was gonna be pretty darn good. And almost as if someone proves me wrong, everything else after that did not go right.

I feed the dogs, only to have the younger one do a #2 *immediately* afterwords. I, umm….catch her in the act and send her outside. I clean it up and go into the bedroom and back out in a matter of 5 minutes. ANOTHER friggin spot on the carpet *sigh* I try to grab her, but she must realize I am pissed (no pun intended), and starts moving away from me on the stairs. I finally get ahold of her, only to bonk her head against the stairs. To her credit, she did not utter a sound, and it had to hurt just a little. Trying not to feel guilty about it, I put her outside again, clean up the carpet and let her in. The guilt sets in and I spend several minutes holding her, consoling her, and having a ‘talk’ with her.

That done, I needed to head off to work – as I was already running late. I put my stuff in the jeep, knowing I need my coat, which I decide to go back inside to get. I go back inside, and friggin forget what I came in the house for. I pet the dogs, waiting to remember and almost head out without a coat – and then I remember it. I grab it from the washer/dryer area, as I had recently just washed it and notice that there is paper residue all over it. I think, what the heck (rather, more like he double L, but…) and grab it anyway and head out again. I get in the jeep and hit the garage door opener to close the door. I hit it again. Again, AGAIN. AND FRIGGIN AGAIN.

It finally closes and I am on my way to work! *feeble yay* I am running so late I do not have time to put my makeup on at home, so at a stop sign I apply my foundation. And yes, it F’N falls out of my hands and splatters all over the side of my jeep’s door. I take deep breaths, not trying to let this get the best of me and grab a napkin. There were two problems with this:

#1 It smears the foundation instead of taking it off.
#2 The foundation hit the vented area on my door, so it now spreads the foundation INSIDE the vented area.

Screw it! I think…..I will just clean it later. I make it the rest of the way to work and am in the parking lot at 8:02 A. I open the door, grab my purse, and then reach back for my coat. And as if to say that even IT thinks its too cold (or for all I know, maybe it was embarrassed to go inside with paper particles over it), it grabs onto my passenger seat and I have to tug hard to get it out.

Satisfied I won the battle with the coat, I go inside, sit at my desk and clock in at 8:04A. Looking for the small victories where I can, I sigh a happy sigh of relief. I then look down at my coat and see the buttons on the coat had taken a beating when washed and now are all scratched up…..

&*%*%$^#&^I^&$*#$^%##

F’N WEDNESDAY – I HATE YOU

Bein' Educated

2008-10-29T23:55:00.002-05:00

Most of my night has been spent doing three friggin' assignments for my Taxation college class. However, the beginning of my night started off with a different sort of education - at dinner I learned that people do eat dolphin. I was really starting to freak out when I thought I had been one of those people, as my husband casually informed me that Mahi Mahi is dolphin, WHILE we were at a seafood place. I automatically think he is kidding, cuz if anyone knows my husband, he loves to mess with people like that =)

Since I have a handy-dandy iPhone, with a spiffy-rific internet connection, I decide to investigate really quick before we order. At first glance, it did look like it was dolphin, but at second glance, I notice it said 'dolphin-like' fish. I breathe a sigh of relief, but yet..... I HAD to know whether people actually ate dolphin. So what do I google to find out?

DOLPHIN RECIPES.....

Uh huh.... there ARE dolphin recipes out on the internet. Take this one for instance:

GRILLED DOLPHIN

1 1/4 lb. thickly sliced dolphin
8 cloves fresh garlic, minced
1/2 c. olive oil
1/2 tsp. paprika
1/2 c. rice vinegar
Salt if desired
1/2 tsp. pepper, black lg. ground

Dinner for 4. Cut off any dark meat on dolphin. Marinate 4 even slices of dolphin in large bowl. All ingredients mixed for at least 6 hours. Grill 5-7 minutes on each side depending on thickness. Approximately 10 minutes total for 1 inch fillets. Baste with marinade mix while grilling.

Notice the thickly sliced dolphin?? *Lisa throws up a little in her mouth* How COULD people honestly feel good about themselves eating a dolphin? Did a trainer at the zoo just get really pissed off that a dolphin was not learning its tricks in a timely fashion and sent it off to be butchered? Ackkk... I weep for dolphins everywhere....

A Bunch of Toilet Paper

2008-10-25T23:32:00.002-05:00

Uhuh.....Yep! THATS exactly what I found when I came home this afternoon after a trip to Home Depot. My husband walks in the door as I am still trying to get my purse and a couple of other things out of the truck. He soon walks back out and says:

"Sadie left a present for you"

OHHHHHH REEAAAALLYY??? I promptly go inside and find toilet paper across the hallway and a small dachshund laying on her backside in an attempt to look utterly adorable so that her shenanigans would suddenly seem cute.....

And yes...it DID help! =) But..... that small dachshund that was previously looking adorable had been in a state of boredom earlier. AND in that state of boredom, she had found toilet paper a GREAT outlet....

AND that toilet paper had met its demise due to this puppy's boredom....

AND this is what I walked into =)

Needless to say, it was the WHOLE roll of toilet paper wound up on our floor. So there was no saving any of the toilet paper, altho I kept it as a momento of things to do.....

SUCH AS ....SHUT THE F'N BATHROOM DOOR!

=)

A Frustrating Week

2008-10-23T18:03:00.000-05:00

This week has not been a good one for me so far. Between getting to work *barely* in time to clock in without being late to spilling triple berry freezoni on my pants at lunch, this week has been a real winner so far.

I do not understand how I seem to have lots of time when I wake up, but as soon as I get in my jeep to head to work, I lose another 5 minutes. Not that I do not know that I am running short on time before I get to my jeep. I have no time to even put on my jewelry, and instead, stash them in my purse and pants before I head out the door. That way, I can put them on in the jeep, or when I first clock in. However, it makes me feel like some sort of ‘thief’ of sorts – stashing my loot in my pockets and all. Then I get to work and fight with my computer all day long, as it simply seems fussy at anything I want it to do. I *could* call our help desk, but I do not have enough faith in their abilities to fix my problem. Plus, I do not have the time for them to figure it out. I have work to do darnit lol

It’s amazing I didn’t have to go home during lunch to change my pants on Tuesday when I spilled triple berry freezoni on myself. It was not a lot of it, but enough to look REALLY bad considering it was on my crotch area. Needless to say, my husband could not look at me without laughing, and I have to admit, it was a bit humorous. I start laughing with him, drinking the rest of my freezoni, and ended up getting more of the drink on my hands. Do I have any napkins to use? Heck no…. that would be WAY too convenient. So, my husband being the every-helpful one says:

“Oh hell! Just wipe your hands on your pants!”

Oh yes, dear. THAT would be just lovely, dear, I sarcastically thought. But one look of his face and hearing his laughter somehow made his crass remark all better lol

A Happy Childhood

2008-10-11T12:02:00.002-05:00

I went by a school the other day in Lawrence that had a sign that read:

"It's never too late to have a happy childhood"

Ever since then, this statement has been bothering me - probably cuz I overanalyze things too much lol But I always think to myself that this statement is not true - once your childhood is over, its over. If you had a bad one, you are unable to go back and fix what went wrong. You are continually moving forward, and if your childhood was bad, the only thing you can do is to make your adulthood the best it can be.

I suppose this sign was just supposed to be inspirational to the kids who go to that school. They probably never figured an adult (who doesnt even live in Lawrence - yet!) would drive by and think to herself that the statement was misleading lol BUT you are unable to change the situation you are in when you are a kid, you are unable to get different parents - so I think they shouldve said:

"Make as many happy moments in your childhood as you can"

See? You are not misleading a kid, you are only giving them hope for something better - despite his/her circumstances.

I am so friggin wise lol

Offended Neighbors

2008-10-03T00:51:00.001-05:00

I figger any Friday should start off with a good laugh, so I am posting a link to an article that I found amusing =)

http://www2.ljworld.com/news/2008/oct/03/offended_neighbors_get_utah_park_statue_moved/

Panda Express Fortune

2008-09-22T22:42:00.002-05:00

Hmmmm .... I thought you would all like to know that 'Panda Express' gave me a fortune cookie tonight that said that I will soon be the center of attention. So, please...... if I am unable to email, call, text or snail mail very much in the months coming up, I just want ya'all to know that I am just overwhelmed with all the attention and still think ya'all are super cool =)

And yes, I am assuming that the attention they are refering to is *good* attention. I am sure its not that they find that I am a little odd and lock me up for observation, after which I spaz out and constantly stomp on imaginary ants, and.....

Errrr, uh.....wait! My husband typed that - not me lol

Why Me????

2008-09-08T22:21:00.007-05:00

I have decided that birds suck.

Yes, you read right. 'Lil ole me, the animal lover, said that birds s-u-c-k.

I have spent at least an hour chasing a sparrow around in the garage. At first, I was like:

"Awww, hi sweetie! How didya get in here? You poor thing!"

But needless to say, the initial 'awww' did not last long. I opened ALL three garage doors. I whistled and made noise outside, while I swear I saw our neighbors peeking out their windows with their phones to their head calling the cops. I banged away with the handle of a broom at things in the garage trying to scare it outside. It flew away from me on at least 2 occasions and hit itself in the head flying away, and then would sit on top of one of the cars. I grabbed a Folgers can and was hoping it would sit there dazed long enuf for me to trap it. But noooo..... this bird is friggin invincible! It flys away and tweets at me in disgust - like *I* had no right to be there.

Amazingly enuf, it finally flys into a car that is stripped out (husband wants it for a track car). It flys back to the hatch area into one of the rear fender areas. I think, what the heck! and in I go with my Folgers can to get the bird. I think I have it trapped and it flys out at me and I freak and back out. It then flys into the OTHER FRIGGIN fender area. I go back after it and trap it with my Folgers can. I hold it down with a piece of paper I found in the car, start backing out of the car, and....

THE CAN FALLS OUT OF MY HANDS

Yes, you read those capital letters right! At the same time it falls out of hands, it rolls underneath my jeep and I twist my arm and feel it 'pop'.

And yes, I said a multitude of cuss words at this point. Not only did I loose the friggin bird again, but my darn arm/shoulder hurts bad.

Not to let this get the best of me, I run to the other side of the jeep where the can rolled. I look under and see the bird glued to the bottom of it still. I grab the broom handle again, reach under the jeep, push the broom handle on the bird to make it stay put, yanked the can out and started running outside. I then deposit him as far away as possible and run back to the garage and close all three doors.

What really pisses me off is that I finally get inside the house, sit down at my desk in the office, and hear the rain hit.

Awwww! The friggin GUILT!! Visions of a brain damaged, rain soaked bird now fill my head *angry sigh*

On the positive side of things, I think it already quit lol

Is SOMEONE trying to tell me something?

2008-09-06T21:37:00.005-05:00

OK, I am disappointed in my food choices I have had tonight =/ Needless to say, I do not want to go out to get fast food or grocery shop, so I tried to 'make do' with what I had here at home. The food I have at home is not much either, sooo..... I start by going through canned goods.

Tomato soup? Hmmm..... may not be bad, altho I try to stay away from tomatoes, but what da heck! Why not? If I feel sick to my stomach afterwords, my husband will not be at home to be grossed out by my ability to stink up the whole house. I pick one can up and look at the bottom for the expiration date, which read 2007.

Ughhh. I pick up another can of tomato soup and it says 2007 on the bottom too. The last friggin can of tomato soup says the same thing, so off all three go to the trash can.

I check 2 other cans of food, and they both have expired dates. After they head off to trash can heaven, I decide to check the mixed nuts we have in the other cupboard. Yayyyy! They are good still, so I grab them and start heading to the living room to turn on the TV and snack away. However, catastrophe hits and all of the sudden I loose my grip on the can and nuts go flying everywhere =/ I look at whats left in the can and think to myself, 'its ok, I still have about half left' (note to the reader: there was only about a cup left of nuts left to begin with).

I look down and the dogs are diving in for the nuts, which I start spazzin out about cuz I am not sure its good for dogs to eat nuts period. So I manage to scoop them all up and throw them in the trash, only to find out the youngest dog grabbed a couple and was gnawing at them in the kitchen area *sigh* So I grab them from her, ignoring her bummed out look from me doing so, and throw them away as I head back to the living room to continue eating the rest of the nuts.

I sit down, kick back the recliner and started to eat as I turned on the TV. The TV comes alive with the Channel 57's "Animal Cops - Detroit show". It immediately shows a doberman they rescued that the owner put a rubber band on its tail to cut into it and make it 'fall off'. Needless to say, the rubber band was fairly well inbedded into the poor dog's tail - so the removal of it was a bit bloody. They then have the dog head off to get antibiotics and such, and the guy announcing the things for the show starts saying that, "unfortunetely, the dog is very friendly and can't help waggin her tail, which makes it bleed more'. They then show the floor and tail and there is blood everywhere - and I start reconsidering if I really want to eat anymore lol

I ate all of the mixed nuts tho, and now I have a funky taste in my mouth =/ I am thinking I may go to bed soon, as SOMEONE is trying to tell me I should not eat anything. I will try not to take offense to that lol

A Good Night

2008-09-04T22:31:00.003-05:00

What a spiffy evening I have had, despite the depressed mood I was in earlier this morning =) I left work and headed to 'The Studio' for some knitting stuff, to find out it is only about 15 minutes from my work place *woot* How darn handy is THAT? lol Anyway! Despite their loss of power and the darkness that greeted me inside cuz they had no lights, I was able to get some bamboo circular needles to start knitting my hat with. I then head off towards home and stop at A&W/Long John Silvers along the way to get some pieces of fish. I have to say, those deep fat fried pieces of fish tasted awesome! Maybe the greasiness of them aint so good for me, but they made me even happier darnit!

I then stopped at Office Max and found a magnetic board for my office - as I have some new M&M magnets I got in Vegas that I *must* put to good use! There is even a small cork board and a calender with my magnetic board. I have decided my M&M dudes will be placed on 'special' days on my calender =) Altho, I told my husband this and he told me I was a 'dork' =P Oh well.... maybe I am! But I am a happy dork at least lol

Tough Ole Guy

2008-08-31T15:12:00.003-05:00

Wow, there are some bad a$$ people in Lawrence I guess! This dude is 54 years old and still brave enuf to take on the police lol

http://www2.ljworld.com/news/2008/aug/30/lawrence_police_tase_and_arrest_54yearold_lawrence/

Who Needs a Fork?

2008-08-22T22:57:00.003-05:00

Or spoon? Or spatula? Or plate? I think I need none of the above when I am eating some yummy Boston Cream cake myself. However, I think my husband is shocked at my ability to eat a piece of cake with my bare hands. He was on the phone, when he stopped talking and said:

"Good gawd, leave some cake for me!"

If I had not had my hands full with some cake that needed to make its way into my mouth, I would have flipped him off, but..... instead I just glared at him lol Then I took myself and my piece of cake with me to another room to savor the last morsels of Boston Cream Cake-goodness =)

And Now For The Rest Of The Story

2008-08-14T17:31:00.004-05:00

Sometimes, it really is better to know the 'rest of the story' to things you hear. I am on the drive home from work and dealing with my Sirius radio cutting out. It may be the FM transmitter, but we are not sure yet. Whatever it is, you will be listening to someone talking or singing, and then silence. It is then back to talking or singing for a bit, then some more silence. Generally, these periods of silence do not last too terrribly long, but long enuf to really annoy you if you are trying to sing along to a song. Or trying to listen to the DJ talk about something, as in today. Despite the problems I was having, I finished listening to a song I liked. Then there was silence. Then the DJ all the sudden starts talking by saying:

'its like a shot in the a$$'

Then silence.

Then the DJ again:

'good times, good times'

Then silence.

Which prompts me to look at my Sirius radio in dismay and turn it off lol

Casinos, Broken Arms and More

2008-08-09T22:47:00.006-05:00

I know I have blogged about this before, but I swear some days have a 'theme' to them. For instance, on the day we were on our way home from Deadwood, SD, I saw at least two people with their arms in casts/slings. The first one was at the Hampton Hotel we stayed at. We took advantage of their 'continental' breakfast and noticed there was a a guy standing by the food line with his arm in a cast/sling. I kinda wondered why he was standing there watching us, altho I suppose what else can he do with only one good arm? However, it was a good diet reinforcement, as I felt guilty for grabbing two mini boxes of fruit loops versus one and a yogurt. A very small yogurt I might add *sniffle*

The other broken arm dude was seen somewhere on the way home to KC standing on a street corner. Needless to say, this made me wonder also - as we had to stop at the light so he had ample opportunity to cross the street at that time. However, he stayed put and stayed there looking rather forlorn. So I stared at him while we drove past and wondered what da heck was happening to people that I would see 2 people with broken arms in one day.

The day before this, I swear all I saw where billboards advertising for casinos. These casinos were not just plain ole casinos either. They included many other things like gas stations and restuarants. I began to wonder if there was *not* a place in South Dakota that they would not attach a casino to. I came up with a few more they could use (if they havent already!):

Coffee Shops
Rest Stops
Car Dealerships
Dave and Busters
Cabelas
Harley Dealerships

Ya never know, if someone wins a little on the slot machines, they may feel more likely to spend it in the store lol

I did know the 'vacation' was over when I made a couple of comments that made my husband say 'shut up cartman', cuz I sounded like a South Park character. While the reader may think this is just playful banter and not the end of the vacation, let me inform the reader that it was in regards to my 2nd degree sunburn acquired during our latest vacation trip to husband's destination of choice =)

So anyway! I have decided our destination in December for our 5 year anniversary is gonna be all about relaxin' and doting on me lol

Last Night In Deadwood, South Dakota

2008-08-06T22:27:00.003-05:00

Well, its been an eventful last few days here at the Sturgis Harley Ralley. For the most part, tho, I have done pretty well. Altho, it has not helped that the pain patches I took off before we left ripped off the first layer of my skin. The first day on the road was a 100 degree day, so that sunburnt off another layer of my skin *sniffle* So my neck and shoulder area looks absolutely fabulous - NOT.

Riding on the back of a Harley is pretty darn exhausting too. It did help the couple of times I took a 6 hour energy drink/shot. I am surprised my neck wasnt more sore after the first time, tho. When you are on a long stretch of highway, on the back of a Harley and an energy drink kicks in - well, you look left, then right, then left, then right, then left, then right - all in a matter of 5 minutes. You then realize what you are doing and decide to amuse yourself by looking at your reflection in your husband's helmet by sticking your tongue out and making faces. That then gets boring, so you decide to sing VERY loud - but despite singing the same chorus over and over again, the wind still manages to make your husband not hear your beautiful music.

Yes, I am refering to myself as 'You' - cuz I am ashamed to admit that it was ME being a goof lol

Eww, that Smell =/

2008-08-03T02:05:00.005-05:00

Uhuh, yup! Thats a Lynard Skynard song - altho the lyrics in it talk about an entirely different kinda smell than what I am thinkin' of right now! After just mowing the lawn pretty darn fast tonight, my body thinks I pretty much suck right about now lol So.... in an effort to remedy that situation, I made myself a cosmo and put 5 pain patches on me. These are oriental pain patches and smell terrible - altho I do have to say, they generally work. Whether they work cuz you pass out from the smell, or that your body inside is soaking in the smelly-ness and passes out itself - I am not sure. I suppose it could be the fact that they just plain work, but they still do smell!

Hopefully, I will wake up tomorrow morning feelin' like a brand new person and ready for our trip to Sturgis, SD on the back of the bike. Yup! My husband and I are headed to SD for their annual Harley rally. I am gonna be a Biker Chick for the next few days - woot! lol Anyone who knows me may be....... well, may be wishing me luck right about now. As I am probably way too prissy to be goin' on this trip. BUT they do have 'Bear Country USA' up there, and a store called 'Mostly Chocolates', so SD aint all that bad =)

Isn't That Called Cheating?

2008-07-27T21:16:00.005-05:00

I got a magazine the other day when my husband and I were at Home Depot getting some stuff that was titled 'Taste of Home: 5 Ingredient Recipes'. Naturally, I thought it was pretty spiffy to have a list of recipes only requiring 5 ingredients - until I opened the magazine. AFTER I bought it I might add.

I thought about not bloggin' atcha all about it, but the more I thought about it, the more I had to tell SOMEONE. After all, it has been awhile since my last blog post, so why not gripe about the contents of a magazine I bought? lol

Anyway! I was under the impression that the 5 ingrediants would still mean you would be actually making most of the entree/dessert/etc. However, it lists things you can buy at the store already friggin made, and tells you how you can put them together to create your mouth-watering masterpiece. Here is a list of some of the 'recipes' that made it into the magazine:

Onion crescent rolls - Guess what the main ingredient is in this? A tube of refrigerated crescent rolls. Genius I tell ya!

Ranch Style Pork Burgers - Yep. Uh huh. You make hamburger patties out of ground pork and put it on a bun with some ranch sauce. Seriously. I dunno why I never thought of that before lol

Ginger Iced Tea - They really outdid themselves on this one. It only took 3 ingredients - ginger ale, iced tea, water.

Creamy tomato soup - Some advice here. Instead of spending 4 bucks for a magazine that tells you that you can combine milk and tomato juice to make soup - spend at least 3 bucks less and buy the cans of tomato juice themselves. Am thinking the tomato juice makers *may* have thought of this one themselves already.

Inside Out Sandwiches - One word. GROSS. I ain't flippin' my sandwich inside out so that I touch the slimey sandwich meat inside. Altho, in their defense, they suggest wrapping them up tightly with plastic wrap lol

Honey Cinnamon Butter - OK, while I am a fan of this type of butter, how friggin stoopid do they think we are that we dunno what goes into this? And just to spell it out to us further, they suggest serving it with muffins, toast, bagels, etc. Dangit! And here I was thinking of having a pot of honey cinnamon butter all by its 'lil lonesome.

OK, OK..... I will hush lol I seriously go could go on and on a bit more, but I think ya'all have the idea =) I think I am just peeved I spent 4 bucks for the magazine, when I could cheat my way thru my scrumptious dinners I cook for my husband all on my own!

Five Things You Should Not Do, See or Hear on a Sunday

2008-07-13T22:38:00.004-05:00

1) Opening your puppy's mouth to see what to see what she is munchin' on, only to have a ladybug fly out of her mouth and freak ya out.

2) Sitting in a booth by the window at Eldridge House in the morning havin' brunch and seeing a tall, skinny guy with buzzed hair, wearing a hospital gown, knee high red socks, and pushing a stroller with a doll in it made of old socks.

3) Listening to your husband yell the 'Timmmmmyy!' line from South Park over, and over, and OVER, and.....

4) Walking up the stairs of your house, only to find dead June Bug carcasses on almost every step that then get picked up with a piece of toilet paper and flushed down the toilet.

5) Give your puppy her second bath for the day because you thought she had puked again in her pet taxi, only to find out the brown you saw, was just her.

Things That Make You Go Hmmmm

2008-07-06T22:31:00.004-05:00

There has been alot of things lately that make no sense to me it seems. Starting with buying towels at the store - why are 98 percent of the super fluffy (and most wanted towels) have a stripe of 'non fluffy-ness' at the ends? It seems they want to make a strip at each end to be decorative or something, but takes away inches of 'fluffy goodness'. I don't wanna grab a towel to dry myself off and be like, 'ohhh, awww..... so soft.....hey! what the F?' Do they put these strips on each end to warn you the you are nearing the end? Are they trying to save money by not putting in these extra few inches of fluffy-ness? The only ones that are purely fluffy towels are ones that seemed targeted to kids - with wild, wacky prints or colors. I guess its a sign of maturity if you graduate to the towels with the strips at the end. Hmmm - what does that say about me then? lol

Also, I am not sure why June Bugs were created. I find them extremely annoying, and they really do not serve much of a purpose. Heck, if I read right when I googled June Bugs, they only live a year. So whats the point? Why is it necessary for them to be born and fly around and buzz and be friggin annoying? And oh! Why da heck do my dogs think they are so friggin tasty? I do not need some June Bug swimming around in my dogs' tummys - altho I am sure they are probably off to June Bug Heaven before they even reach there, but.... I am seriously afraid to open up my door anymore. It reminds me of that Alfred Hitchcock movie about the birds - or the old scarey movie about the huge spiders - where there are WAY too many of them, invading the city - invading our homes - invading our lives.

OK, I better stop, I think the energy drink I had earlier is letting my imagination get the best of me lol